No Excuses

Is it so difficult to believe that Nana Patekar can be a creep, just because he's good to farmers in distress? It cannot be used as an excuse. Like Salman Khan these days is only BeingHuman.

The J & K Guy

When I read about J and K, I invariably think of OT because he remains the only person from there who I had any close contact with. But I didn't talk a word about Kashmir with him, for unfathomable reasons. May be because he was the final year student and was on campus only for 4-5 months after we met and he had other things on mind like exams and going away and all that. But I do wish now that I had asked him something. Anything at all.

We first met as part of Office Committee during my first college fest. Pal, L and I were the freshers in it and while all the senior boys were very nice to us and it was a great 3 days, OT was something more. Library was second home to L and me those days and I remember OT joining us on many of the evenings. He looked quite typical of the place he came from and had a girlfriend who we were in awe of for her looks. But when he came and sat with us in the library after seeing her off, we maintained a respectful silence on the subject. I think he once made an oblique reference to it mentioning the North-South divide but L and I couldn't offer any solution anyway.

He was very affectionate to me and treated me almost like a kid. Not in so many words but may be the way he patted my head and how comfortable he made me feel. Of course we hardly talked in library and if he took us out for a coffee and snacks, he would tell us stories from the day and past. Except for my cousin R, no boy had ever been like that before and to come to a new place and find such kinship in a stranger was not what I had expected. I accepted his kindness simply, was naturally fond of him and was anxious to see him happy; I could sense that he had some worries in his romantic life, further studies and his would-be job. I remember one night during the exam season where he came to library in a bad mood, the paper hadn't gone well. I wanted to make him feel better but didn't know how and finally asked him desperately if there was anything I could do. He looked up at me with knitted brows and said sarcastically, "can you dance?". Well, I couldn't. Thankfully he recovered soon without it.

It was the year after he left that I finally found the answer to a nagging question. OT's state junior and friend VK, who would come along with him till library, hardly ever joined us there. Not only that, if I bumped into him in the corridor or stairs or anywhere else, he behaved as if he just didn't know me and worse, his look was as if he meant, "be away from me!". I thought well of him and he seemed sociable enough otherwise, so it was baffling. Then Pal met OT in Bangalore and it seems he told her that VK thought OT was jeopardising his romantic life because of me. He had asked OT to stop hobnobbing so much with me! What the hell! I wish we could all get together and have a laugh about it but it didn't happen. VK continued to give me bad stares till he left the college.

Easy Excuses

I like long-distance calls, especially the cross-border ones. There is so much scope to misinterpret.

Whenever I crib with L that I'm hardly doing anything, she just says, "Come on dearie, you have kids!" which most of the times is just the placebo I need. But I guess both of us know that I can do better than that. I do.

Many of us seem to feel happy that Manto was persecuted in Pakistan and was unhappy there. I think we should also ask why he didn't feel secure enough to stay on in India.

Midnight Songs

All I ask of the drunken singers in my neighbourhood who wake me up in the middle of the night is not to sing Marathi or old Kannada songs. Old Kannada songs are my childhood and I feel like lending my voice to the drunken soul and Marathi, well, I believe that I'm fairly well-to-do in the language now and I have this urge to validate that belief at every possible opportunity. So I find it very difficult to go back to sleep. 

Acting the Balance

Brain sometimes equates A with B based on aberrations like  - "Of course A is a good guy. But not always you know, there was this one time he was..." and "B is an ingrate. But I don't know, last time he was very nice somehow...". It's very unfair. If I am a clever B, all I have to do is throw an occasional nicety which will be picked up and cherished forever!

There was an odd shower the other day and brought some temporary relief. Anu got so thrilled that she went into the balcony and started singing "There shall be showers of blessing" loudly with hands and feelings and everything. She was so earnest about it that I couldn't even laugh.

RR called up, after a long time. Shucks, I realised that I missed talking to him and laughing. Every time he calls he says "when are you coming here!" and I think a couple of times more and I may just do it. I guess not, actually. Those impulsive days are over. I'm a very 'rooted' person these days. It's a loss. 

Finding Matches

This TJ Caruso in The Good Cop reminds me of Rishi. They are similar; principled, earnest and yeah, spectacled too. I don't know...since I'm the first one to boast of not having any principles in life, P must take all the blame for it, I guess. And Tony Sr. reminds me of my uncle G, mostly looks-wise.

All at home now are 'pure' vegetarians, except me. I continue to eat egg-cakes when I can. I mean, I've been eating Christmas cakes all my life so there is no point in saying no to it now, I love it! I guess I can convert Anu to my side if I try, she seems not so convinced about denying herself the egg-cakes either.

Humourless

My parents are still depressed and I can understand that. But Aayi didn't have to tell me, "I'll call you tomorrow evening if I come back alive from the wedding"!! I too am in no mood to generate some joke out of such statements right now, she should know that.

Anu has begun to like her mother tongue now, she's even proud of it and that of course has got me sort of relieved. Of course it's only half the battle because Marathi is a long way to go. And then she is missing her grandparents after their recent visit. She was vocally happy when they left after 5 years of staying with us, especially my mother and I didn't know what to say. I could understand that to some extent because of the friction they had on almost a daily basis but yet I had hoped she would be at least a little sad at their leaving. So this time I'm secretly rejoicing when she sheds tears that she wants them here forever. And also, she is finally at home with her music classes and the notes. She wants more of them, hums them day and night and has added singer to her list of professions.

Just too much work. Not that I'm complaining. I want more. 

Selling a Mirage

We are getting sillier by the day. What we are saying is like okay, I know what you want and I have the perfect fit for you. But I won't give you that because I want to sell you something much more expensive. But you'd better know that this expensive thing doesn't fit you yet, so you can come after a year and try your luck !!! Bloody nonsense! Anyway, this is beyond me and I don't want to spoil my relationships because of it.

Broken-hearted

LS passed away today, after succumbing to complications arising out of childbirth. Must have been 30. She wanted that baby so badly and what's happened is so damn cruel on one of the nicest girls we knew and also very hard on the people remaining, very dear people. Just terrible. 

Unfamiliar Territory

It had been some time since I took the 1st Main and today when I went I saw that there was this empty space at the corner, obviously the previous structure demolished recently. I must've walked past that building everyday twice for at least five years of my life but it still took me a long time to recollect what that was. Some things you just don't see I guess.

I have always believed that V and I don't look similar. Eyes, nose, teeth, height, build...not even eyebrows, I must say. But yesterday a lady in my building asked me if we were sisters, she had seen her exiting the building. She is the third stranger to ask me that question and now I'm forced to think what it is. May be the way we laugh. But who's seen that!

Some days are unbelievably harassing types.

Het Up

Bangalore is burning. Combine that with the noise and dust of construction happening outside and it's an unpleasant mixture.

I don't understand my mother. She goes at least 5 times a year to her in-laws' place, never happily(justified) but yet she goes there like with a vengeance. And when I tell her that we are planning to visit my in-laws' place soon, she asks me why. Why!! We go there once a year and there are people who are looking forward to my coming and I too am eager to meet them and she asks me why.

I love Emma Thompson.

Caricatured

I think irrespective of the looks of the cartoon, what Serena Williams did was wrong and racism and sexism are easy words to divert attention from that. She made it look like some fiefdom! So much of what she shouted there made me cringe and that would've been the case even if it was a white Nadal. 

Light-headed

One of those days where it felt like I was the only studious kid and others were all having fun because the teacher was on leave. Almost an impulse to tell on them....But yet, by the end of the day, it felt like I was the happiest one too and they didn't know that what I do is so much more fun...

My parents are here and I was telling V that we have more sweets at home today than we had at her wedding. I can never be my mother and I don't even aspire to be, though Rishi would very much like me to....

Weekend Revelation

Rishi is turning out to be a very good mimic. I have a feeling he'll get into trouble at school. But he says he can't mimic me; there is nothing peculiar about me!

Hope to finish my list today.

Hairy Tale

My hair is one of the most misleading things about me. Just because it's long or because I always simply plait it, people seem to get hopeful that I'm a very religious or in general, a lady conforming to all traditions. Sometimes I can just plainly see these opinions forming in their eyes and I so wish to tell them that I'm none of those things and that they will be sorely disappointed if they rely on me.

I keep my hair long because well, I was like born with it. I know there are many who would love to have it, people young and old, men and women, known and unknown stop me and ask about it and talk about their own and it feels good.People predicted its fall at different stages of my life based on their own experiences; when I joined the hostel, when I lived in Hyderabad, when my children were born and when it remained strong after childbirth, someone even said it would surely fall when the kid started smiling! So it's defied so many odds and I'm pretty proud of it. Of course I have frustations with it, like not being able to go out on the days I wash it, being left out of all the group activities of different hairdos, having trouble with my neck etc.And as I said I want to cut it short someday just to see myself differently but I'm sure that it'll grow back. It always has.

Faith Quotient

Right now all I want is to regain the faith in myself; faith that I will be able to do the small daily things that I set out to do in the morning, which mostly end up pending. It's important to me, as it is to P and the kids.

Workplace is gloomy. All one can do is pretend that things are as usual.

P has been coming home late for the past few days. Though when he's on time, his contribution towards chores seems hardly a fraction of what I do(it's a subject of constant debate in our house), when he's late it feels that I end up doing so much more and I feel exhausted. May be it's more about frustration; that he can afford to forget home when he needs to which I can never.

Aayi is complaining that Pappa is becoming very temperamental. She says he's becoming more and more like my grandmother. That is not a pleasant thought.

One of the favourite one-liners - only one line of tune/lyrics remaining in memory.

A Day Well Done

Felt like a festival after a long time. Tired.

Let there be Light!

Shivamogga Subbanna's rendition of this song had been my favourite in Primary days and when I heard that it was sung daily as a prayer in the High School I was going to, I was quite thrilled. And to top it, my gang was chosen to sing it for the whole school. But when we began practicing, it was a huge letdown; the tune was an entirely different one and even some words were unfamiliar. I remember singing it with a total sense of detachment all throughout those three years and now I realise that I can't even recall that tune.

Rajani is returning to US after a week's break and is as usual unhappy. There was a time I would've fretted over that unhappiness but now I suddenly realise that I just don't care anymore. I feel light.