Voices from the Dark

It rained heavily in the early hours today and the sky produced the worst thunder sound I'd ever heard. It woke Anu up and she said, "Aayi, I had a bad dream. Someone shouted loudly in my ear!"

I don't know how to pay tribute to Irrfan Khan. The man who gave me so many joys, subtle like his acting. Tears seem too inadequate. It's a killing feeling, as if someone slashed my life expectancy and expectations, just like that.

I have this urge now to meet other people that I admire and request them to somehow live longer. 

Business as Usual

I was thinking these lockdown days must be one of the most leisurely times my mother has ever had. Otherwise she would've been busy slogging in her daughter's or in-laws' place in this season. I must ask her. I haven't had a decent conversation with her in ages, actually. I'm terribly busy till at least seven in the evening and after that she is. With Ramayana and Mahabharata. She's thrilled that she got a chance to watch them, which she couldn't when they were aired originally. Her grandchildren aren't able to watch it too is her only grouse. We discontinued our cable connection last year. Anyway, the kids aren't really upset about it. I don't know if they would've enjoyed it much. Especially Anu would've balked at Ramayana that it's a love story.

Another fifteen days to go for this project to finish. I'm desperate to see its back. For the last one and a half years, it's felt never-ending. I actually wanted to take the team out for a lunch once it got over but doesn't seem likely now. 

Day32

I ordered vegetables online for the first time ever. Doesn't feel right somehow. 

Night31

For whatever reason, crows have made a big comeback in my area. I heard them crow after ages.

There's a partial relaxation of the lockdown and I hear that there are disproportionate number of people on the streets. People like us, who can stay at home for months together without serious concern, are aghast, angry. 

Battered

A nightmarish day. In fact, I don't remember the last time my nightmare was this bad. Tomorrow is going to be worse.

I try to accommodate too many things. Too many people also. 

Night29

Bangalore didn't have a case for two days and Rishi was elated that we were doing something right. Today there were two cases again and he's sulking. But with so many of our cases being asymptomatic, how are we ever going to feel confident about the numbers? 

Anu seems to be growing taller by the hour. Soon I'll be the shortest in the family. 

Day29

I'm missing the summer hues. Bangalore is so decked up in these months. Lalbagh, Cubbon Park and even Bagmane must be bursting with vibrant colours...

Say they lift the lockdown on May 3rd and say we can go back to our offices, how many of us will do that? And how many more months will it take for me to jostle in the Metro crowds or the supermarket queues or the waiting line at school and not get worried? And when will cough stop feeling like a  terrible disease?

Night28

Day26

The daily numbers of Coronavirus deaths from all over the world are mind-numbing. As if a whole generation is getting wiped out.

"I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else"

Day25

Bangalore is seeing a surge in cases. I doubt if our offices will open from 20th. I'm longing to see faces. Anybody's. In person.

I don't know why I should be bent upon being happy in this situation. I want at least a part of me to remain coiled, angry, upset, suffocated so that when this thing ends I don't go back to being the same old person.I really don't care if people are seeing Himalayas from Jalandhar but when we go back to being smog-filled cities, I want to live my life differently, at least a little.

I spoke to my grandmother. She's of course upset that the wedding is indefinitely postponed and also worried for her grandchildren who are in different cities across the world. Her wish now is that we all(all her children and grandchildren with family) visit the family deity together when this is all over. I don't think any virus can do that much. 

By the End of the Day

RR wrote to me yesterday. He writes to me about twice or thrice a year now, when he wants some doubts w.r.t. his work clarified. And like every time, he tells me that upfront, as if he's warning me. As if. Anyway it was a silly doubt and I was a little upset with him that he was asking me such basic things, after all that work he'd done in the past. But then it was also nice to engage in such discussions because these days in our place it's only about tech. Functional aspect of the product has taken such a backseat that I feel rusted. I miss the daily discussions and arguments that RR and I used to have. It's been almost three years now. At one point of time yesterday, even RR said "They do it this way", then smiled and corrected himself as "We do it this way". Anyway, now he's moved to Australia, may be for good.

Oh yes, the kitchen tap is repaired, temporarily. And it was the plumber who repaired it, of course and not me.

I guess I'm in that phase of my life where both my son and I are a disappointment to each other. 

Day23

Apart from the sense of taste and smell, does Coronavirus also make you lose your sense of humour? I don't know, I'm finding it very difficult to laugh these days. 

Day21

Anu : Aayi, sometimes you sing a song so much in a day that you make me hate it by the end of it!

That's true. Today it's been 'Rutu Aa Gayi Re... " that my brain is singing in a loop and my mouth just repeats it occasionally. I don't know why this song has surfaced now.

We are going to be locked up till May 3rd now. 

Day20

Today evening I convinced the kids that things were going to be better soon; the number of cases was coming down and the lockdown effect was showing. And it turns out that today sees the highest jump in numbers. I think I need some convincing now.

I watched Shoplifters today. Affected me much more than Roma or Parasite. Much more endearing too.

Sometimes I wonder why I watch these movies. I'm dead-tired and I sit watching these stories that are nothing like mine. It's like living two lives; one in the night and the other in the day.

How must my old friends, the autowalas, be getting by? If this lockdown continues for another couple of months, what will happen to them? Do they have a place to go back to? 

We may recover from Coronavirus in some months but what about the hatred, the mistrust? Delhi's Jamaat event has put many friendships in jeopardy and I don't know how long and possible is the road to recovery.

I'm not feeling so upbeat about spotting animals on the roads in these days of lockdown. We're going to run over them as soon as we can and the poor animals should be warned. 

Day19

Rishi had an in-house haircut today. I can only say that his hair has never looked this way before. One good thing is that Rishi is never satisfied even with his barber haircuts so he doesn't know what to think of this one.

So the lockdown has been extended, as expected. 

Day18

I heard the faint droning of an airplane and it felt as exciting as if I was in the era of Wright Brothers. I wonder where it was going. 

Day17

Commonplace activities and neighborhood places are attaining a revered status now. I'm longing to stroll through Indiranagar, visit the few places I frequent. The more I think about it, the more romantic the whole place seems. Sigh!

A colleague of mine was saying her regular life itself was like quarantine except for going to workplace. Her family rarely went out and she said she was feeling sorry for people who ate out often. But she missed the workplace terribly because that's where she met people and she was always surrounded by them and now she's struggling in the confines of home. 

I am struggling with what seems like endless work. Both workplace and home are keeping me extraordinarily busy and there seems no respite. But I've stopped thinking about it, though. Days pass like a whirl and my only worries are when supplies dwindle and that I'm not taking care of Jayalakshmi Auntie as much as I should. But sometimes, when someone says a kind word(the usual suspects L and my mother, and SB!)  it feels like I could burst into tears. I don't. 

I wrote to J after long. He said Japan had been quite relaxed so far but slowly more companies were asking people to work from home. His project starts WFH from today. 

Losing the Count

Suddenly 50 feels like old age and not 75.

Day13

V's birthday today. Anu said it was a terrible time to have a birthday so we should celebrate it later. As an afterthought, she asked me if things would be better by her birthday in December. I said definitely.

Yesterday I dreamt that I went to More supermarket. I was pleased to find lots of things but strangely, they were shifted to train coaches. One coach for snacks, one for groceries etc. So my dreams are finally upgrading themselves to some sort of contemporary reality.

Day11

Netflix is getting boring. It's filled with their own productions and the quality is very uneven. You never know what you'll get. Prime, the other subscription I have, seems better. 

Day10

If there is one skill that I deeply regret not having right now, it's plumbing. My kitchen tap stopped working tonight and I have no idea if I can get it repaired within this month. 

Supporters of this disposition are quick to call the Nizamuddin event a communal conspiracy only because they don't want to subject the administration to any accountability or scrutiny. This is not new but it continues to baffle and disappoint me. 

Day9

Jayalakshmi Auntie's younger sister passed away today. It seems she was admitted with heart ailments eight days ago and Auntie was advised against visiting her because of the virus. She died of multiple organ failure today and Auntie is struggling to get to Banashankari, to see her for one last time.

I've begun to hate it when I read Coronavirus reports like "One person died today, 56-year old with underlying complications". May be they are trying to cheer up younger people with no obvious 'underlying complications' but that 56-year old had survived those complications and with whatever medication would've possibly gone on to live a decade or two more. To think that someone came such a long way and then succumbed to this virus doesn't give me any solace. 

Day8

Just too tired. Too many calls in the day. I hate Jamboree calls.