Besotted with History

My face, arms and feet are sunburned after four days of roaming in the hot sun of North Karnataka. Having filled my eyes and head with the magnificent carvings of Pattadakal, Badami, Aihole and Bijapur, I'm having trouble appreciating any structure which is less than four hundred years old.

There was just so much to see and I think we could've spent two more days without feeling enough of it. But I was worried about Anu and my parents, that they would be fatigued. I think I underestimated their capacity.

I wasn't sure how popular these monuments were but our experience was a little dampened by huge crowds everywhere we went; of school children. It seems they were on a Government scheme to promote Karnataka tourism and they came from far flung areas. And it felt like they followed us all through. Gol Gumbaz especially felt too noisy, given the dome's capability to enhance all sounds. The guide said the best time to visit it was at 6:30 in the morning, when there wasn't a crowd. We appreciated his words all the more after reaching the top through through the narrow flight of stairs, worried that a stampede might break out anytime.

But all these places, more so the areas around than the monuments themselves, can do with a good amount of facelift. I felt especially letdown by the approach roads to Badami and Bijapur monuments. I don't understand why the entry fees can't be hiked(in some places, there is no fee at all) and that money used to provide better facilities. There are museums with so many beautiful and ancient carvings and you want to know more about them but there is not even a word about them to see. It's disappointing. Like injustice to them.

Bijapur seemed far more syncretic than I've ever seen anywhere. In all the mosques and dargahs we visited, there were more Hindus, of all ages, than Muslims. But I'm miffed that they don't allow women inside any of them; not even into the tomb of a woman!

Brainwaves

My brain is playing tricks on me. There was a newspaper headline, "Art is About Looking Inwards" and I read it as, "Art is About Looking Awards". And worse, it was only the wrong grammar of my sentence that made me look twice and realize the mistake and not the intent. 

Hidden Lines

A friend of mine said I just had to colour my hair black and there would be a line for me. I laughed and asked her what the line was for. She blushed and laughed. I said I wasn't looking for one anyway.

But is that what we want? 

The Aftermath

Yeah, as usual, I'm in a highly excited and overwhelmed state. I met all except one of my mother's cousins and many of their children and it's too much feeling of bonhomie for one night. And not one snobbish person. Even the usual ones have turned extremely nice and put me to shame. Anyway, I can bet this is the last time I'm meeting most of them.

And V met a lady there who she sees in her office bus everyday. Turns out she's a distant relative. V is thrilled.

I wonder how many relatives, near and far, I must have in Bangalore. 

Celebratory Woes

Attending a wedding reception tonight. My mother's side this time. I rarely retain the enthusiasm by the time I reach the date but today there is a bonus. I'm going with V! I don't remember when we went out last. It took a lot of effort from both me and my mother to get her to agree. The girl gets annoying with her stubbornness sometimes. But her company is worth all that. So I'm looking forward to facing some snobbish people tonight, with a lot of cheer. 

The Learning Years

Eating Rajma and thinking of Sonia, our( Shab and I) neighbour in Hyderabad's Ameerpet. She was our companion and had given us Rajma one day. Shab and I weren't cooking those days and the homemade Rajma was very welcome and it was also the first time I'd ever tasted it. I of course liked it and wanted the recipe. She said it contained tomatoes. I was surprised because I couldn't find any traces. And Sonia had used the opportunity to show off, as if it was some magic. It was Shab who later enlightened me on pureeing. It had never occured to me that tomatoes could be used that way too.

Thinking of it, I knew next to nothing of cooking then. Except for using a cooker, heating things, making tea and rolling rotis. So I'm grateful to a host of people including N, Shab and her father for making me believe that cooking was easy and worth it. But because of my predominantly non-native learning, I sometimes feel handicapped when it comes to traditional cooking.

Rishi has had a great year so far. He has done exceedingly well in everything he's touched this year and there are so many watching his progress now. Gets me worried sometimes. 

Escape Route

If there is one thing I'm immensely grateful for right now, it's the Mute option on my softphone. It's particularly helpful when you are part of every long call that happens in the team. 

Misplaced Faith

It's amusing to know the kind of misconceptions born-and-brought-up-in-the-city people have about a small-town counterparts. I experienced it for the first time and a lot when I joined Engineering college. The expectation is that you are designed to preserve the so-called cultural purity. It's funny when they talk in that tone on your behalf to a third person. That you are not capable of certain 'transgressions', which are almost their birthright. As if you are a different species. And they do that even in today's times is more annoying. 

Shouldn't Blogger have an option to show me which of my posts have attachments? 

Mixed Flavours

Lesson of the day - It's okay to bring work home. It's nice to work from home. But when you are cooking, do not design the code. Not all palyas have the wherewithal to take ground sambar masala and remaining edible.

A very wishful wish - I should have two copies of myself. 

Magic Makers

Two things I'm very grateful for in my kitchen - coconut(and oil) and ghee. 

Travails

There is Kasaravalli Fest in Suchitra Film Society this weekend. Screening of Ghatashradhdha and Koormavatara today and a documentary and felicitation tomorrow. I read about it yesterday, was very excited but most of my plans don't bear fruit so kept myself under check. But you know what, I went to Suchitra today. I did. And guess what? I didn't watch anything. As usual, I tried to club it with another errand and I was late and the show was full. There were another 15-20 people like me but I came from the farthest so I hope I gave them all some solace. Waiting for the next show was impossible so I started back immediately. Of course I'm disappointed but not so much too. First, I love the place. It was love at first sight but also the only sight in the last eight years so my love didn't really translate into a serious engagement. Anyway, I love the concept, the environ and the locality and it's one of my dreams to live there some time. Second, I now know that I can do it; withstand the pressure from my family to stay put at home(Rishi was the only one who said I should go). And also, they know that I can do it so I hope it sets a precedence.

I would've also become a member of the Society today, had I carried my photo. The guy asked me thrice when I could come next to complete the enrollment but I had no answer. I wanted to tell him that the only way for me to come in the very near future was by becoming a member. Now I have the half-filled form with me. May be I should try in the middle of the week. 

Langzaam Progress

It's become a sort of masochistic pleasure of mine to watch movies in the languages I'm learning on Duolingo and realise that I'm no better at understanding them than I was three months ago. 

Calling Names

I get irritated when I hear people being called Abdul, even in movies. May be more so after I met my colleague Shabbir. I was handling a Support ticket from a Vietnamese Bank when I was told Abdul Shabbir was the guy onsite I could get more info from. I messaged him. He gave me the info and in the end, asked me how I knew his name. I asked him what he meant. He said I was the first colleague to call him Shabbir, everyone else only called him Abdul. I said I had had classmates with similar names. I mean, when you have to address multiple Mohammeds and Abduls, you figure that they've got a unique and many a times, nicer sounding names next to them. Anyway, Shabbir and I've had a great rapport since then. 

Tough Trek

Next two months are going to be a nightmare on the work front but I'm excited after a long time. I'm looking forward to the grind.

The last one month has been quite a bit of running around, what with my name change and all. But it's all too late for the Singapore trip. And now for no reason, P isn't interested in going at all. He says there is nothing there and I'm going just for the heck of it. He wants to go to Maldives. I don't care for Maldives! 

Gantumoote

Watched Gantumoote. It's set in my generation but I guess many of that era will wonder which utopia the movie belongs to; where high school students can make out with such freedom. Bangalore may have been, I don't know. I'll never forget that I was made to feel like a sinner for poking M's back and trying to catch his attention in 1st grade.

But Salman Khan was a heartthrob even in a place like mine. He was in many girls' notebooks those days, charming them with his sparkling eyes. I wasn't the type, though. Of course keeping heroes anywhere near me was disastrous at home but I was more interested in tennis and cricket players anyway. Sampras and Dravid ruled the roost in my study room.

But then, why is it that the girl is always considered a guy's weekness? The hero feels that way when things go wrong. I mean, that feeling is everywhere. Look at Kohli Or Nadal recently; nobody asks them if they are doing better because they got married. The wife or the partner is only a burden that their talent should manage and do well despite.

And yeah, the boy(hero) stops the girl from biting her nails, saying it's a bad habit, early on in their encounters. But after that, goes on a biting spree himself. May be it was indicative of something but I couldn't figure that. 

Lesson of the Day

Whether it's true or not, you should keep asserting to your family that you are deeply passionate about something. At least one thing. Else, in all probability, you'll end up feeling like the victim of everybody else's. 

Accidental Discoveries

Pappa, Anu and I attended a wedding over the weekend. Anu is thrilled having befriended some cousins she didn't know existed. Actually I myself was surprised to find that I had so many relatives in Bangalore. But the best part of it was PGM was there and I brought him home. He and his wife have been my favorite people since childhood and it felt good spending time with him. Anyway, he didn't stay overnight because he's got a son in Bangalore so I just made a simple dinner. And he's been going gaga over it ever since, saying he didn't know I was such a good cook. This is terrifying me now. What did I put in it! How am I supposed to replicate the success?

I wished SB happy birthday. He was surprised, of course and asked me if I managed to remember all birthdays like that - the last time I wished him must be 2001. I told him some birthdays just stick in memory and that's the truth. I mean, unfortunately I've forgotten birthdays of people who are closer to me and I don't know how to explain it. 

Bitter-mouthed

Jyeshta Madhu is probably the yuckiest home remedy I've used. You know, the kind that makes you curse under your breath and think it'd better be worth it. 

Sweet Sacrifice

There goes my beloved plum cake! I've finally succumbed to the pressure, more precisely Anu's howling. And much to others' satisfaction, I've extracted the return promise that she would study hard. So one of the few pleasures of life is gone too and I don't look forward to Christmas season anymore. 

Helping Hands

What's it with the domestic helps and the mothers-in-law? With the employer lady's mother-in-law, that is. The way my help was cursing the MIL, I thought it was her own till she finally said, "Thankfully she's going back to Kerala next week". Kerala!? Then I realized she was talking about my neighbour's. It's as if they mean, " I know you are missing your mom. Don't worry, I'm there to help you!". 

Harbinger

Winter is here. I tried to offload the coconut oil from the can to the dispenser and not a drop dropped. It's solidified inside, looking more like tender coconut ice cream.

And yes, it's raining and gloomy again. 

Uncomfortable Alliances

One of my problems with Patanjali brand, apart from some quality issues, is that it has the tacit support of the establishment. And if there are any serious issues with their process/products, we may never hear of it. 

Never before have I wanted to quit the job so badly as now and never before has it seemed more difficult. 

Lighting the Midnight Lamp

I'm getting annoyed when I see 'Work is Worship' these days. Basically I'm worshipping a little too hard. 

Speaking to the Gallery

Nehru's birthday yesterday and V and I were reminiscing about the school days. I don't remember a year from first to seventh grade, when I didn't speak about Nehru. Not that I was particularly fond of him. But Pappa was and he was my speech writer. All I had to do was to mug it up overnight and reproduce it on the stage the next day. Mugging was no problem. But when you have a stage fright, it's no easy task to modulate your voice. All you know is that your legs are shaking and you wonder if your voice is shaking too. I did it every year nevertheless. There was a prize to be won but I guess more than that it was an opportunity for me to be seen by M. I wasn't sure if he knew or cared that I existed otherwise but when I was up there, I knew he would be somewhere in the audience, watching or at least hearing me. It was quite an incentive.

Anyway, I doubt if Pappa likes Nehru so much anymore but after all those speeches, I ended up a an admirer. 

Hackneyed

Nadal should stop saying "It's been a good year, considering the injury worries I had at the beginning of the season... ". When was the last time he didn't have those worries? And anyway they seem to be making him stronger mentally. Of course I'm not complaining about that! 

Wrong Notions

Razia asked me how the Ayodhya verdict panned out. I am sure she knew about it already but just wanted to know what I thought. So I told her. Then we philosophized about it. Then she said these days anywhere any bombing happened, a clamour would ensue that Muslims were bad. This was a different turn and I said of course it was wrong and unfair to target the community as a whole. She said her community was given to hot-headedness(Berki is the word she used) but there were people like her who just minded their business and for who that itself was a struggle. Next she went off-track again and said while only Muslims ate meat before, now everyone was copying them. I don't know if she meant it had something to do with the Berki behavior. I was puzzled by this piece of information and asked what she meant. She said animals like chicken,goat etc. were created in this world only so that Muslims could eat them but now others were eating them too. I said meat eating preceded religion. I had to assert it again before I could get a "Oh really? I had learnt it otherwise... " from her.

I must've been a harmonium in my previous birth. 

Silent Figures

I think frequently about my grandfather these days, when the dinner table more often than not resembles war front. My paternal grandfather never spoke a word during lunch or dinner, it was a vow he had taken. He hardly even looked up while he ate. My mother or grandmother served him food and they understood what he wanted by the signs or grunts he produced. It was a marvel to me but since he was also quite short-tempered at that time, there was always a worry at the back of my mind that somebody would misunderstand what he indicated and it would be disastrous. It never happened but it kind of killed my happiness during dinner.

Conclusions

Girl 1: Hey, did you draw this sheep? It's so good!
Girl 2 : That's a pony!
Girl 1 : Ah, okay! Hmm, the tail is too big for a sheep... Nice!

Ayodhya verdict is out. Is this the end or the beginning? 

The Conversationalists

I'm not a talker when I'm on the road. I prefer to look around. The cab drivers usually keep to themselves until you draw them out. But with auto drivers it's 50-50. Some of them start from the word go and go non-stop. But you typically end up having disjointed conversations either because it's tough to catch the words in the traffic or the driver is not really interested in your answer. All he wants is to be heard, so to say. So you oblige with, "Houdu Sir" etc. or blame everything on the politicians.

But yesteeday's driver was different. He started with a crib on traffic violators. I was a little anxious that I was already late so I just gave him my customary smile. But he asked me what I thought. I told him. Then we ended up having quite a bit of conversation through the mirror on the roads, population, people's reluctance to use public transport (sitting inside an auto, ironically) and their reluctance to walk even a small distance etc. To top it, he even returned 3 Rupees, which is almost unheard of in my part of the world. And his look almost chastised me that I should insist on it. I returned a sheepish look.

Sometimes I wonder how I seem to strangers; do I come across as wide-eyed helplessness(I AM NOT)? I went to this notary's office yesterday - 'office' is flattering to that place, which was just the underbelly of the staircase leading upstairs. I appreciated the usage of space but not for long. The place could only seat three people and a computer and the only way an extra person could enter/exit was by squeezing others. Anyway, they spared me of it and made as much space for me as they could. But the guy who was ahead of me inspected me for a minute and decided that I needed to repay him for that. He started talking. He gave me a list of dos and don'ts, even telling me how to behave with the notary guy. All in that guy's presence. I don't know if I should blame myself or the man. 

The Hunter

Who says it's only the big cat hunting which needs strategy and execution? Mosquito hunting requires no less. Makes me feel quite in the league of Jim Corbett and Kenneth Anderson, my childhood marvels. 

The Souplicker

Anu : Aayi, where is the vessel in which you made the soup?
Me : I washed it.
Anu : Oh! (Groaning)  wanted to lick it clean!
Me : Come on, there was nothing to lick there.
Anu : You know, you should let me decide that. From now on, please... Okay?
Me : Okay!

Covered in the Past

I went to buy Anu's slippers from a nearby shop. The shop owner is from South Kanara and I had spoken to him once before. Today his wife was managing it, along with another lady and 4-5 children. Among the children were two girls, not more than 8 I think, both covered from head to toe, except for their faces. Their attire was just like the older women, except that the women's burkha was black and the children's with some colour. This was the first time I was seeing such small girls covered like that and I felt sorry for them, especially seeing the boys run around freely. The lady was friendly enough and I should've asked I guess. 

Past and the Present

'Fucking' as a swear word seems to have had patronage right from Henry IV. That's what Chalamet's The King makes me believe.

A gloriously sunny day after a very very very long time. I didn't know how much I missed it till I saw the blue sky with white clouds. 

Old Feelings

Swimming in nostalgia today.

Choosing the Right Kind

What is the average age for a man to know the difference between Chiroti Rava and Bombay Rava?

Reminds me that there are so many things I'm yet to teach Rishi! 

The Influencers

If two people are being assessed on a scale of 1(L) to 5(H) and both of them are at 4, and if the first one assesses himself as 5 and the second one as 3, what are the chances that their boss will rate the second one better than the first? And do men and women both see it the same way? I mean, is there a chance that a man would vote the first guy better?

I don't know why a Christian should seek validation from a Brahmin for the fact that she's stopped eating chicken, the only non-veg food she consumed. Further, it only elicits a "Oh, is it?" from the Brahmin lady, which sounds like "So what? It's not like now you can enter my born-vegetarians-only club! And as if you can keep away from chicken for long!"

Jumping the Pattern

I love Rangoli. And I've been conditioned from childhood to consider them sacred. That means I avoid stepping on a Rangoli and feel terrible if I happen to. But it's troublesome in Bangalore. Unlike in my native where houses typically have a compound, here houses are right next to the footpath or the road itself, as the case may be. So when I'm walking in a hurry and there is hardly any space to manoeuvre, a Rangoli is the last thing I want to encounter. I typically curse the creator, hop, skip and jump to avoid stepping on it and if no way out, harden my heart and well, move on.

Another strict no-no is stepping on any piece of paper, it being associated with Goddess Saraswati. It's hardwired now. I was watching Sense and Sensibility once and there is this scene where Hugh Grant's character pushes a map under the table using his feet. I flinched badly and it took me a while to get back to the happenings on screen.

But there was an exception to this paper rule in my house and it was Pappa. My mother who would be very severe on us, would just mutter her displeasure when Pappa tossed a paper aside with his foot. He didn't believe much in gods those days so I guess she couldn't reason with him on that. Now he's a believer but I doubt if he's given up the practice.

Baby Pains

My cousin's wife is at my parents' place, undergoing IVF treatment nearby. It's her second attempt and my mother has been accompanying her to the hospital. From what I hear, it's a really painful process in every possible way. She sometimes falls sick just by the fatigue and pain of it. I wonder if she really wants it so badly even now or it's her family. I don't think I would've gone through it. I would've remained childless. No, I wouldn't have adopted either.

There was a time in my teenage years, when I thought I wouldn't be able to bear a child. I didn't know anyone who didn't want a child, so I thought I would refuse marriage. 

Ground Realities

I bought shoes for rainy season today. And it's the end of October. Felt weird but one's got to walk!

But the walk to Bata showroom itself was a tough task. They've dug up the roads everywhere, it was wet and muddy and suddenly it looked like the pavements had vanished. That's quite routine in Bangalore, though; pavements are either absent by design or are usurped by petty shops and houses. So we adjust and substitute main roads for pavements when we can't find them. But today there was a deluge of vehicles too. I was determined to walk so I kept my eyes firmly on what was coming under my feet, miraculously escaped brushing against any vehicle and marched on. It was a feeling of elation when I hit a decent patch of tarred road.

But footpaths are vanishing everywhere, even in small towns. As vehicular density increases, administration is happy to widen the roads at the cost of footpaths. The effects are already being felt in terms of accidents. 

Longfall

It's raining rather indiscriminately and I regret that I ever asked for more rain in the past. What happened to the October rains of my childhood? Dahlias, gentle showers, smell of earth, rainbow and watching them through the wooden grilled long window of my grandmother's place...

What's the future going to be like, if seasons go rogue like this? What are we - humans, flora and fauna -going to do? I always think of mango trees, how confused they must be.

I'm taking off tomorrow, just to catch up with sleep. 

Burden of Expectations

How should I explain to my daughter that it's not God's fault that she took a pen to show off in school and lost it? It makes me believe that the tendency to shift the blame on others is hereditary.

And yes, I'm supposed to pray that she retrieves it tomorrow. As if I have some influence on that scheming God of hers!

Feeling Hunted

I go to Twitter and read the tweets under Indian Politics and feel like I'm surrounded by a pack of hyenas.

Ayodhya verdict is in a few weeks and it's both anticipation and dread.

Swapna stared at the phone once more in disbelief. Was this a dream? No, there was her mother being her busy self and chattering. But Swapna's senses weren't responding to the gossip her mother was gleefully sharing. The photo, the photo...All she wanted was to be back home right then and strangle Bhaskar, her husband, whose happy face in the photo dared her to do it.

She had left him in his usual busy state to visit her parents barely a week ago. She was happy to get away from the routine till a friend had dropped a bomb. She forced herself to look at it again; a jubilant Bhaskar with a young smiling girl with her hands on his shoulders. Swapna looked away again in disgust. How could he do this! She thought she wanted to cry but she couldn't summon any tears. It was as if she knew in her heart that he would do it one day. But how many times had they both talked about it and pitied other couples who went through it? Bhaskar was always vehement about it; it was wrong to subject one's partner to such an agony. And now? Agreed that they hardly talked to each other these days much less anything else but he should've at least said something! Was there a hint anytime? She struggled to recollect. May be he was a bit moodier than usual but she was tired of his moods  after dealing with them for so long. Was he doing it just to get her attention back? She couldn't imagine herself standing next to him again. She suddenly felt old and left out.

Her eyes wandered to the photo again. That girl...couldn't she have stopped him? Put some sense into that old head of his? Couldn't she figure that he would have children of her age and a wife who...now tears of self-pity rolled down her cheeks and disappeared into her mass of grey hair, which she had opened to oil . A sob escaped from her, startling her mother who was still talking. "What happened, tell me!", she shook Swapna's shoulders, as her tears became a stream. "Oh, it's terrible, Amma...Bhaskar has gone and dyed his hair black!I don't know what to do....."

Late Hopes

P has started keeping the broom erect - instead of lying on the floor as usual - when he finishes sweeping in the night. I watched it for a couple of days and then asked him about the new trend. He paused and sheepishly said his mother had mentioned long ago that if you kept the broom on the floor it led to husband and wife fighting. I couldn't help laughing. But I wonder why he thought of that now, after all these years, especially when our fights are at an all-time low. Better late than never?

I should tell my mother about it I guess. It may help her.

Mark Hurd is no more. It was only last month that he'd gone on leave. 

On Deaf Ears

I don't know why we should have Employee Surveys. Nobody publishes any sort of statistics based on them and nothing seems to change. And since nothing changes, why should the employee feel enthused about giving an honest feedback? It's very silly when all your leadership wants is to make sure they have 100% compliance and nothing else.

Anu has become the latest in the family to keep an alarm and not wake up to it. P is the only exception now.

And before I forget, we flew ths time from Bangalore to Hyderabad, the first flight experience for Anu. She's always been upset that her brother had flown numerous times by her age. If I tell her that he hardly remembers any of it, she says, "That's not the point, I would've remembered! ". So yeah, she enjoyed the hour long flight very much.

Raincoated

Society doesn't take kindly to a woman wearing a raincoat. The one not riding a two-wheeler, I mean. Never mind. The fact is that I love the feeling of  raindrops pattering against my raincoat. Next best thing to getting wet in the rain. 

Tongue-twisting

Spanish, Italian, French, Dutch, Russian, Irish... So many languages juggling in my head and struggling for space... 

I hate the word 'track record', even when I use it.

Reliving the Past

Back from my in-laws' place and I guess it was a success as far as P was concerned. Of course he's still unhappy, but they were able to discuss it without making noise.

I feel as if I've returned to my childhood whenever I'm there. Not in a good way, though. I'm forced to relive some of those embarrassing memories and small fears which I had thought were behind me.

The primary and secondary education in that place has been pathetic for some time and kids study almost entirely through tuition classes, starting right from class I. It's sad to see them mired in school books till they sleep but I don't know if that'll change anytime soon. In our family there are four school-going girls now, aged between 7 and 10, two each of my younger brothers-in-law. For long now, there have been subtle suggestions that we bring the youngest one to Bangalore and raise her here. The kid already lives away from her parents for schooling so they don't see the separation as an issue. But I really don't know if I'll be able to raise another child, unless I leave my job. And P thinks it's unfair to bring only one brother's child and not other's and having four children, we won't be able to do justice to them. The years are just running this way, kids are growing up and I'll surely end up feeling guilty on this one.

The untimely rains are causing all sorts of troubles with the harvest. I was hoping that P would give up on his claims on the land after seeing how hard his brothers have to work for what they earn. But he only said the situation was far better now with all the machinery involved. 

Reeling

One of the most shocking things in life is to see worms inside a tomato. I mean, the sheer impossibility of it! And the fact that for at least some months you cannot afford to close your eyes and cut them! It's terrible!

Sent Packing

We are going to my in-laws' place next week and I'm doing all the running around. Listing, ordering, shopping, packing, giving pep talk on behavior to children...Nothing new but just that I got only about a week's notice this time. Before that P was quite clear we weren't seeing his folks this time. He's been miffed with them since our last visit and has hardly spoken to them decently. Then last weekend my sister-in-law gave us a surprise visit. It wasn't to be a surprise but she had no choice because P wasn't picking up her calls anyway. Her agenda was clear; to make P show himself back home. They argued the whole of afternoon but by the end of it she got what she wanted. But how it'll all turn out once we go there is anybody's guess. Rishi and I are keeping our fingers crossed. 

High Hopes

I had asked VK how US was. He said India was much better now. I asked in what way. He said you know, in general. That was nothing and I said I wasn't sure. Then I asked him when he was returning. I was a little sarcastic but I doubt if he caught that. He said he wasn't returning till Trump sent him back. I said okay.

I think when it comes to India Shining story, I'm a blind and deaf person. I wish I wasn't, sometimes. 

Mismatches

Razia is getting on my nerves. Since she's joined, there have not been two consecutive days where she came to work in the same time slot. But I've not bothered much because I know she's trying to juggle many things herself. Last Sunday she told me she would come early, by 9, this week. I said OK. But for the next four days she didn't appear before 11:30, with some excuse for each day. Then yesterday I was taking bath at 8:45 when the bell rang. I had taken this test package at the hospital and I was in a hurry so I got annoyed. I said she could've at least given me a call. She seemed surprised; "I had told you I would be early!", she said shamelessly. Grinding my teeth, I muttered that was ages ago. It didn't make any difference to her anyway.

I had booked an auto and after asking Razia to finish only with sweeping, I hurried towards the hospital. Half way through and not before that, I realized I had worn mismatched clothes. The kameez was brown and the bottom green, old pants that I had worn in a hurry to open the door for Razia. And a black dupatta. It was a tough call; I pictured how odd I would look in this ensemble but I didn't want to return either. I removed the dupatta to make it only a two-way mismatch and walked into the hospital fortifying myself against the glares. I didn't give anyone a second look but it seemed that ladies smiled at me a lot more than usual.

Anyway, this kind of dressing mishap is becoming frequent and I don't know what's more worrisome; that I'm getting absent-minded or that I don't care to correct the mismatch even when I realize it. 

Still Thinking About It

It's amazing that more people in the world right now seem worried about the threat of Muslims ruling the world than from a warmer planet or a superbug.

Actually L sent me a couple of posts and then stopped. Don't know if my balancing act irritated or bothered her. She should know I'm having a hard time with it and right now my only worry is this topic playing any part in our friendship. 

L(R)eading from the Front

I'm trying hard to get Rishi to get back to some casual reading. But he studies most of the day and says he's tired of reading. So his typical pastime is poking his sister, occasional Duolingo, Sudoku and watching movies. Current favorite is Harry Potter, which we decided to take to only recently. I'm his movie guide and one of my few pleasures these days is to show him some of my favorite old movies. It's a nice feeling when your children love what you love too.

But Rishi has set firm rules for himself since he was a child and and being just the opposite, I mostly feel sorry about it. But occasionally there is envy; if only I could stop myself from sitting in front of nonsensical serials! But somehow after a long day's work, preceded by endlessly similar days, it's hard to read anything meaningful. But I so wish to go back to reading, really. May be I should start reading nonsensical.

Politically Incorrect

I hate to proofread my emails ten times and be nicer than I already am. I wish we were a less political workplace.

Is there anything a public figure can say or do these days without rubbing someone or the other the wrong way? It's like our diversity is finally showing and not for a good cause. 

Frustrated

Working from home is a not an easy job. Nobody around you takes the 'Working' part seriously. It's only 'Home' that they understand. 

Bickering Babies

The current running problem in our home is that Rishi, who is 15 years old and Anu, who is nine years old, behave like two twelve year olds. Nobody willing to back down on even the smallest point. So much so that I habitually reprimand them even on the odd occasions they are in agreement.

Past, Present, Future...

Singing the Old Tune

P is the boss of Hindi songs of eighties and nineties. There is not a song of that era that he doesn't have info on. By contrast, they hardly existed as far as I was concerned. The only Hindi songs I heard were played in buses or public programmes or rarely on Vividh Bharti, when my father was late to come home(I remember the excitement). I compensated to a degree in college but my collection is very selective and my favourites are more from the seventies and before.

But if there is one song that both of us remember vividly, it is Hawa Hawa by Hasan Jahangir. Late eighties and early nineties must've been some of the most divisive in India but if there was one thing that united us, it must've been this song by a Pakistani. It was everywhere irrespective of the occasion. And though now I wonder why it was so popular, I can't think of the song without remembering the fanfare around it those days. 

Kill-joy

Some people have such a huge sense of entitlement that they kill all the self-gratification that you may have derived out of helping.

Choosing the Faith

It seems that Razia has lost faith in Gods after her husband's death. But curiously, her faith in Allah seems fairly intact and it's the Hindu Gods who she used to regularly worship, that she's miffed with. I wonder what duties she'd assigned to each. 

Cheap Thrills

I like people who are careful with their money. But it's disgusting when they do it at others' expense. 

Old Habits

Something reminded me of my second serious hobby in childhood - collecting the matchbox covers. The first one was collecting feathers, which died an untimely death after an outbreak of brain fever. My mother, who never appreciated my interest in a non-vegetarian object like a feather, seized the occasion to make me throw the entire collection. I thought it was okay; when things returned to normal I could pick them back. But my mother was cleverer; she made me promise that I would never collect them again. I sigh thinking of those bright and shiny and soft things. .

Anyway, soon I turned to matchbox covers. I don't recollect what really started it but soon I was hooked to it. There were diverse themes and variations and I was fascinated. I learnt the art of scanning the ground I walked on. Of course this too didn't please my mother. I hardly walked straight, it was like I had unearthed a hidden treasure, they were everywhere on the road! And I didn't care if they were dirty, as long as they weren't torn and useless. But unlike before, I welcomed the opportunity to visit a shop, which was a hotspot. I particularly remember going to my aunt's place in Dharwad and the whole new bunch of covers I gathered there. I don't remember doing anything else but I was so happy!

The thing is, I just can't recollect why I abandoned the hobby. When did I move to the cleaner and more common hobby of stamp collection? 

Premature Celebration

Just when I was gloating over the fact that our medicine cabinet was almost empty, it's brimming with bottles again. Half the people are down with fever and the rest are awaiting their turn.

New Destination

Spoke to L. Her life is all set to take yet another turn. When I think about it, our lives are so different and if I hadn't met her in college, I guess we would've never crossed paths, even if we lived within a mile of each other.

My promise to L of visiting her in Singapore has become all the more urgent now.

Fragrant Death

Standing in the Metro jammed between two heavily perfumed people is one hell of an experience.

Awake

Bangalore is not the city for someone in need of peaceful sleep. Crackers start bursting in the midnight, out of the blue, making you wonder if you missed a big event. They don't need one, actually.

Days and Nights

I make a list everyday and I break it too. It's a struggle to keep up with the schedule, every single day. I know quitting the job will make my life easier. But this job has been a convenient excuse for the many inadequacies of mine and I'm afraid that when I lose that excuse, I'll be forced to stare at all my flaws and I'll like myself even less.

Outbound

I'm glad we went to Shivanasamudra on Sunday. The weather looked ominous and forecast had rain but we took a chance. Mostly because of Rishi. He's been bitten by the travel bug now. Actually not so much of travel as of doing 'something' over every holiday. He even wanted to bunk Friday and see more places over the long weekend but we weren't prepared. The boy wrote a tough exam recently and did fairly well. It seems to have set him free. Augurs well.

Shivanasamudra falls were good. Kaveri is full and the water falls down in amazing quantity. But you can't go near the falls like before and there is total lack of any kind of facility to view them to your heart's content. It almost felt like our temples, where you jostle to get a short glimpse of God. There is so much of litter all around, you feel sorry for the beautiful nature. It's like the only beautiful places in Karnataka are the ones not visited by tourists.

Binge Season 2

Two season twos in three days. Sacred Games and Mindhunter. Actually I watched Mindhunter Season 1 only two days before. I don't think that's an influencer but it wins hands down. On the other hand, Sacred Games is a terrible letdown. The storyline is as nonsensical as it can be. Pankaj Tripathi is wasted and Nawaz doesn't seem like he knows what he's doing. And the first few episodes pack in so much of profanity that even I wanted to shout back some of them. What the hell! If not for the optimistic P, I wouldn't have completed the series.

I'm hooked to Mindhunter now. And I hate the thought that Season 2 will finish soon. 

Silent Truth

I don't know how a man can tell his wife, "All this arrogance of yours is only because you are earning your own money! ". I mean, what does it say about the man's arrogance, considering that he's the by-default earner?

The Weekend

We went for a magic show today and I can't say it was magical. Varying degrees of success, actually; P and Rishi liked it, I found it boring and Anu was upset that the magician didn't throw the chocolates to the balcony, where we sat. Our seating troubled her otherwise too; when he asked for volunteers, she wanted to go. I said he wanted only adults and she asked me to go. I disappointed her saying we were too far. Anyway. I don't think I'll try magic shows anymore. But yeah, we showed the kids what balcony seats meant.

Hopeless hope. 

Agonising

Few movies pack hope, triumph, agony and hopelessness in that order like Million Dollar Baby. All in quite equal measures. It feels like Maggie left so much unfinished, contrary to what she says.

But I thought Clint Eastwood was more compelling than Morgan Freeman in the moviemovie.

It's scary rain all over the place and Bangalore has been depressingly gloomy for a week or so, except for yesterday.  Worth doing a sun dance when he appears. 

New Season

The first Monsoon rain in our area today. It was beautiful and I got caught in it.

Ani and I have started on Italian too and it's messing up our Spanish scores. 

The Insufferables

Some people, just being the way they are, bring disproportionate goodwill to their peers. 

Hidden Figures

When an article says about 90% of a state's farming households have an average debt of about a lakh, it looks like a bleak picture. But I don't think all of these are distressed. It's quite routine for many to borrow at the beginning of the season. And it would've been interesting to know if these numbers have spiked in the last few years where there has been a slew of loan waivers. 

The Untouchables

Somebody told me,  quite proudly,  that her 7 year old daughter washed her hand when a Muslim woman touched it. It seems the kid just couldn't stand Muslims. It didn't matter what I said. I mean,  she got my point but it was of no use.

I hope the people who've sown these seeds know what they will reap. I'm unwilling to imagine. 

Hard Pressed

It feels like life has never been harder than now. But I have a feeling it'll only get harder.

Combined Study

Anu has been giving me company in Duolingo. It's been a lot of fun so far. 

Lost Contacts

My phone fell into water yesterday night. It's gone for repair and I haven't missed it much in the meanwhile. But having not backed up my WhatsApp history, I stand to lose it if
the phone doesn't come up. Rishi is incensed with my lack of feeling on such a loss. My phone had been serving as his contact number all this while but I think now it's time to change it.



Went to Indian Music Experience today. Should leave impatient kids at home if one is serious about it. 

New

Current obsession : Duolingo. Language : Spanish.

Feeling like a nursery student. Don't really mind it.

Same Boat

I used to think I was the only one not in touch with my collegemates but I guess I was wrong. Now that I'm getting linked with people, I realise that L and I may be one of the very few people to have been friends for so long. That's kind of heartening.

High Standards

Anu : ANNa, you are the Mount Everest in our family.
Rishi : Then Baba is K2 and Aayi is Kangchenjunga.
Anu : What about me? What's next?
Rishi : You are Bedrugudde!

Our government has finally fallen. Nothing left to say.

Killing Them

"Dhoni knows when he should retire", "Tendulkar alone can take a call on when he should go"...Just how demotivating can these statements be to a cricketer waiting in the sidelines? 

Only Bhupinder.

Boxed

I went out shopping alone yesterday and bumped into a senior colleague of ours on the way. His first question was to ask why I was alone and where my husband was. I said he was at home. He didn't leave it at that, he asked me where the kids were. I said they were busy and I had to do some shopping. It left me so annoyed and I wanted to ask him if he would've subjected my husband to such interrogation too. But I didn't and I was just defensive, as if he had all the right to ask me such idiotic questions. What gives him the right to ask anybody that, anyway? You know, the day I give back to such people, I will consider myself something. 

Bitter Chocolate

I walked about one and a half kilometres today to French Loaf, braving all the pits that BBMP has dug up so casually. I mean, there is hardly any footpath left on 80 ft. Road now, killed half my happiness. But the real killer was different. I reached there, all eager to take home some chocolate croissants, when I saw a small cockroach moving in the tray. I took a while to collect myself. I haven't had even nightmares like this! I took a deep breath, pointed it to the guy sitting behind the counter and headed out. Killed my appetite for eateries for some time at least.

Does BBMP really work with any ETA? It seems that they have a very short one for opening anything but an indefinite one for closing it. And we're not doing anything about it.

Wounded

Insensitivity from your own child hits you really hard. You may do a lot of soul-searching but it's difficult to write down the answer.

Chasing the Past

I connected with MK today. We were good friends for most of the four years of college. She considered me her close friend, L was my best friend and MK and L didn't get along sometimes and they were roommates. MK may have rightly felt betrayed by me when L and I tried being roommates in the final year. Anyway, didn't happen.

I'm surprised at myself, this eagerness to connect with the past. I mean, now that we've spoken, I want to meet Pal and now MK. I'm trying hard not to look at recommendations in LinkedIn. All these years I hardly felt the need to connect with anyone. It's a scary thought that by the time I get through this phase, I may end up knowing so many people all over again.

Just Asking

The way babies have stranger anxiety, do older people have stranger affinity? May be, at some point.

Unfortunate

It's embarrassing to have to ask someone in a lift whose parent he is, when he is saying all good things about your child. But I did that. I had no choice because I had all along taken him to be the father of one of Anu's friends and he mentions that he doesn't have a girl child! I had to set the record straight. After living in the same building for ten years. 

Mothering Apprehensions

The daughter of one of our friends is getting a seat in my alma mater and he called me to check on some details. We talked and I joked that we had a beach bang opposite which should clinch the deal. He gave a nervous laugh and said he just hoped the kid would come out wiser after four years. I could understand the apprehension. I have a couple of years more to be in that place but I'm nervous already. Even Rishi is. He used to want to study in Delhi but this year he says he wants to study either in Bangalore or around Mangalore. He can't think of being too far away from home. And may be I should make him see the bigger picture but I'm not able to. But both P and I want him to live the hostel life. Anyway, we'll see when it comes to that.

Overshadowed

Rishi and I had gone to shop for groceries the other day and we had almost reached the billing counter when this 20-something girl accosted us. She was trying to sell something, I said sorry and moved on. We were in the billing queue when I heard "Excuse me, Ma'am!" behind me. It was the same girl again. She wanted to know if I was from Kerala. I've encountered this myth all through my life but I've not seen a single Malayali with hair thicker or longer than mine actually. Anyway, I said I wasn't and she predictably said it was my hair. I said okay. Next predictable question was how I managed to have such a hair(despite not being a Keralite?). I blamed it on heredity(that may be half true but it generally saves me from further half-truths). She was sad and showed me her hair which she said was falling(it was, right there) because of some health issues. I nodded my head. I thought we were almost done when she jumped, wrung her hands and said I should give her at least one tip, one clue as to what I did. I sighed and said it was coconut oil. She brightened up as if I had offered her a lifeline.Was I getting it from some village? Yes, it was from my native place. Did I get it directly from...? We got it from the oil mill. Wonderful! Did I use that oil for anything else too? She almost said yes on my behalf so I gave it to her. Yes, I did use coconut oil for some of my cooking. She was satisfied now. She shook my hand and said it was surreal that even in today's times there were people like me who followed such lifestyle. What!! I had no answer to this so I said I had no choice. What!!! Left me feeling like a near-extinct tribe or something.

All this while Rishi was standing there, fidgeting and rolling his eyes.

Wishful

I wish somebody made a movie on Lise Meitner. May be with Alicia Vikander.

"Oh, not again!", Swara groaned as she glanced at the laptop clock. She was going to be late again, picking up her daughter Sandhya from school. She'd hoped for a better start to the week. These damned calls! But she knew they weren't the ones to blame, really. She had looked at the clock only ten minutes ago and she should've started then. But she'd ignored it, as if saving these five-ten minutes would make her feel less guilty about working from home.

Anyway don't think about it now, she hurried on the road, ten minutes' run to the school. But there was something else bothering her too. What now! Yes, it was that kid Geeta, Sandhya's classmate the previous year. Sandhya was excited to befriend her initially and even Swara was taken in by the friendly, exuberant girl who could talk to anybody. Swara and Geeta's mother Surabhi had formed a bond too. Surabhi had started working as a teacher and the common struggles were the typical conversation.

Over the course of the year, Sandhya's enthusiasm towards Geeta had evaporated. Geeta was careless, she was a bully, she hit everybody in the class...and now Sandhya hardly cared to smile at her, even when they weren't classmates anymore. But Swara had retained her soft spot for the girl; she reminded her of someone from her own school days, may be more than one. She knew Geeta meant well. So she'd continued having little chats with the kid, even as Sandhya scowled at her. Silly girl!

Over the past few days, Swara had noticed that Geeta was going home on her own, no Surabhi to pick her up. She'd felt a little jealous that Surabhi could take that step. I mean, she wasn't even sure when she could let Sandhya come home alone, even if Sandhya wanted to. There were reports of a kidnapping nearby a couple of years ago and now even older boys were being escorted by their mothers. May be some of the nearby kids could come together but nobody was taking the first step.

Anyway, last Monday Geeta had walked home with Swara and Sandhya and she seemed worried when their paths forked. Swara had offered to accompany her and the girl had jumped gladly. Swara had never seen that area before and she realized the girl may have some genuine grounds for her misgivings, walking on that lonely road. There was a group of unkempt youth round a corner, some sleeping and some staring at them. Had anybody done or said anything to Geeta? The girl was evasive and only said she was just scared of people like that. They'd walked on in the sun and at the end of the road there was another group of older men talking and Geeta was again jittery. Swara didn't know what to think. May be somebody had put some fear into the kid's head.

This had repeated for a couple of more days. But on Thursday when Swara had learnt that Surabhi wasn't working anymore, she was angry. Why couldn't Surabhi pick up her daughter then? Why traumatize the kid! As if it was easy on Swara! Sandhya had begun to complain that she had toilet emergencies and that she was exhausted walking that extra half a kilometer in the sun. And it was taking 20 minutes more and leaving Swara very hungry by the time she reached home, not to mention guilty.

So on Friday she'd decided that she'd had enough. Right after Geeta had come smiling calling out to her, she'd said she couldn't drop her today. She had a call to attend to. The smile had vanished from the girl's face and she'd just nodded quietly. Swara had hurried back with Sandhya, suppressing her urge to look back.

Swara's thoughts were broken by the din of the waiting crowd and she craned her neck to spot Sandhya in the sea of children. What chaos! She couldn't see Sandhya yet. Geeta was not to be seen too. She stood on tiptoe to scan the crowd when she felt Sandhya's tug on her hand. "Who are you looking for?". Nobody, Swara said throwing one more glance back for Geeta. Where was she! On the way, a sudden fear gripped her; what if something bad happened! It couldn't be, she consoled herself. It would be too much of a coincidence.

On Tuesday Geeta had occupied her thoughts fully as Swara reached the school. She was hoping more to see her than her own daughter. But she wasn't there again. Swara began to panic now. What was happening? She looked around to see if she could spot anybody who went in their route. Nobody. She asked Sandhya if she had seen Geeta or had heard anyone talking about her. No. Swara could hardly concentrate on anything that day.

Wednesday came and Swara dragged herself depressed towards the school. What was she going to do! If indeed something had happened, how was she going to forgive herself! May be she should go to her house to check on her, strange as it may seem if things were alright. Or should she check with her teacher once? Swara was still grappling with the thoughts when the familiar "Auntie!" reached her ears. She'd not heard anything more musical! She gripped Geeta's hand eagerly, patted her head and didn't know what to say. The girl helped; it seems her family had gone to attend a wedding back home. Oh! Wonderful! Life was normal again. Swara exhaled with relief as she took both the girls and started walking home. She was going to take Surabhi's number and speak to her today.

Those Days of Life

Sunday is PN's birthday. He was my self-appointed, doting younger brother in college(he's annulled that relationship since). He was a very soft-spoken(is even now) and shy guy, friends with some noisy girls(L, SN and I). On one of SN's birthdays he'd gifted her a soft toy and when I met him the next day, he seemed like he wanted to say something. He hesitated for a while and then said he had a much bigger teddy bear in his room and he loved it. He looked embarrassed and said I'd better keep the thing a secret. This whole aspect was new to me; I was just waking up to the fact that soft toys were supposed to be a girl's best friend. They weren't mine, I was least interested in them and kept them at arm's length. And here was PN, acting as if he was committing a crime for cuddling them! He must have congratulated himself about binding me to secrecy because it took me some time to understand the stereotype.

I think it was also around this time that I learnt the word lesbian. L and I were walking in the campus one day, pally as usual. Another girl walking past us laughed and said it was good we were in India; in US we would be thought lesbians. I had to ask L to enlighten me on the meaning.

First year of Engineering was full of learning. It was also the time I thought boys were really nice people. Insecure, sensitive, friendly and helpful, just like any of us. 

Insensitive

"Priyanka Chopra has beef with Kevin Jonas' daughter" I read this somewhere and my blood went cold for a second. Pictures of mobs running behind Priyanka swam before my eyes, before I figured what it was trying to say. How can Americans use a holy word like beef so trivially!

Singin' in the Rain

Fourth sitting with the dentist and the first painless session. I felt like singing on the way home. I sang.

And then I met my downstairs neighbour while waiting for the lift. My first thought on seeing her was to wish that I became invisible or at least the lift came down quickly and swallowed me up. Actually she used to run a boutique and she'd twice asked me in the past to visit it. And of course I couldn't. And worse, the second time around she'd even mentioned that there was a discount sale and annoyed me. Anyway, the lift didn't come in time and we got in together. But gladly she no longer runs that boutique. And better, she even told me that grey hair looks good on me and I carry it well. It's the first anyone has ever said it actually; most others talk as if I've forced them to watch an ugly sight. I must tell about it to my mother, who is collectively conscious of mine and her own grey hair.

While on the topic, I must mention this new irritating habit my mother has developed. Anytime someone admires my hair for its enduring thickness and if she's anywhere in the earshot, my mother tells them that it's because I don't remove the knots properly. The first time I laughed but after repeated offenses, it's no more funny. What the hell! As if I can challenge her to do that and see! It's like some kind of defense mechanism she's putting up on my behalf. But I usually don't have to respond; the admirers take up the cudgel on my behalf.

Days in a Blur

Squeezed from all sides and days are becoming weeks and months in no time. And it's not going to get any better in the foreseeable future.

P tells me that the biggest trouble in our house is that I'm working. He usually says that when we're fighting and he wants to hurt me. I'm slowly losing the will to refute the statement. May be it is. 

Sick and Tired

How some seniors use their position to browbeat others is just disgusting. 

The Unexpected

Yeah, the second thing is that I got an award yesterday. Totally uncalled for and embarrassing. Thankfully I had no inkling and so was absent. My boss collected it on my behalf. They would've saved me a lot of inner turmoil by making it a team award, which we deserved. 

The Woman in Pain

Bad day in more ways than one. First thing, I had my third sitting of Root Canal Treatment today and the lady gave me no anaesthesia at all! May be she gave up on me. I sure did. I'm sure you don't know that helpless, uncertain, terrified and painful feeling.

Second thing will have to wait till tomorrow. All I want to do now is to get a decent one-sided sleep.

Earning the Pleasantries

Auto drivers are some of the friendliest lot. They remember you and one fine day, when you are feeling all alone in the middle of a traffic jam and looking out despondent, they flash a bright smile and ask you how you are doing. Makes you feel so much better. Oh, there may be a small price to pay, I don't know. Twenty Rupees above the meter.

Thinking of it, doctors seem to feel that "How are you?" is only a one-way traffic. I was sitting on the sofa and the dentist guy came out and said, "How are you?", all smiles. The smile was infectious, I was feeling pretty well and I said, "I'm fine! How are you?" The guy was taken aback and it took him some seconds to reply that he was fine too. Then I realized he actually meant how my teeth were doing. That's pretty disappointing actually. When will they stop seeing us as organs instead of a whole body?

My tooth hurts. Anaesthesia didn't do much today either. I'm beginning to get seriously worried. 

The Age of Innocence

I met Razia's son in our lane yesterday. He's ten years old and as I saw him from a distance, he seemed immersed in thoughts. I imagined he would still be sad and troubled and I wondered how I would meet his gaze. Then he neared, looked at me and his face lit up. He asked, "Auntie, are there any more pigeons laying eggs in your balcony?" I wasn't expecting this at all. I said none in a long time. He smiled, said okay and went on. 

Show Me the Meaning of...

It's beginning to feel like I'm a miserable single mother who occasionally hosts a man. Complicated relationship with the man. Now who can blame him!

Dentist Diaries

This week has been,well, a change. Toothache, fear of sitting in the dentist's chair once more, living with an open dental hole bigger than before and now, sort of numbness.

Talking of numbness, on my first sitting, the dentist settled me in the chair, did some cleanup and said she was going to inject me with local anesthetic. I remembered the sensation from before and I was prepared. But nothing like that happened! The dentist drilled and whatever, it pained, she soothed me as if I was a kid and I got out of the chair shaking. The dentist gave me the dos and the don'ts, prescribed the painkiller and said, "You know, in some time the anesthetic will...". I said, "Start kicking in?" She said, "No, wear off!". I said I hadn't felt any effect in the first place. She was surprised and going against her own previous advice, patted my affected cheek. I felt everything. She gave up and said it was a mild dosage. I said okay. I mean, what would I do!

It turns out that the dentist couple are from my native place.

Peacekeeping

I'm annoyed with the way Hollywood movies treat India(especially Kolkata) as the place to do some sort of penance. It must be happening for long but I discovered some references back to back recently. You go "Hey, India!", only to sulk when you rewind and realize what they are talking about. Is there a movie about how that penance turned out to be?

Tooth Troubles

Went to a dentist, after a long time(I know it's sounding cliched now, that there is hardly anything that I haven't haven't-done-in-a-long-time). It rained just as I reached the clinic and I knew it would make for a delay in the dentist's arrival. It did. Actually in Bangalore I've never had any doctor arrive in time, they are always stuck in the traffic. And they are not even apologetic about it, no matter how much the delay! Anyway, Douglas Adams humour kept me company and if I didn't have two children waiting for my company back home, I wouldn't have minded waiting another hour on that sofa.

It's going be RCT and the first of my three sittings starts tomorrow. I have forgotten how it feels but I vaguely remember that it's painful.

Unsaid

Sometimes it feels that of all the things said and written, of all the movies made in this world, nothing reflects your life, your thoughts, what you are going through. Others don't know about it and you are not capable of expressing it.

Unseen Future

I have an oily skin and I sweat a lot. The combination is not very pleasant, especially in the coastal region.It didn't bother me much, except for the necessity of always carrying a big hanky. My mother on the other hand was very worried about my rundown looks and one of her constant cribs was that I didn't want to use face powder, which I hated. Anyway, one day I told Renu about my troubles, saying I was envious of her dry skin. She said in the long run it was better to have an oily skin and that if we met after a couple of decades, I would look much younger than her. I felt better.

Today is her birthday and I'll never have the chance to compare our skins. It feels like she broke a promise.

Spelling the Times

These days when a mail comes about some Korporate initiative, I'm not sure if it's a spelling mistake or just some kool way of spelling it, which I'm the last one to adapt. It feels like the world is conspiring to undo my years of hard work learning the language.

New Realities

Razia said it was strange that in the two months since her husband passed away, he'd never appeared once in her dreams. I said anxiety must be playing on her mind. She said then it was all the more reason for him to appear and ask her how she was managing all alone. I said we hardly remember most of our dreams. She said if he had appeared, she would remember.

Razia is illiterate. She was cursing her mother that she gave birth to children one after the other and didn't let her study. I said it's time she started learning the alphabets. She didn't give me any assurance. But she wants me to take her to the bank and show her what to do. She said her husband, though he loved her, never taught her any of these things; he was worried that she would run away with someone. She said it was unfair on his part to leave her halfway and go off like that.

No Love Lost

P is angry with me that none of my many relatives in Bangalore is helping him. I understand his frustration over the past few months, working against seasoned crooks and trying to extract help from an unfriendly system. But while I seriously doubt if any of my kin would've been of help in this matter, I have a problem with the very expectation itself. Because P doesn't like any of them by default. He'd rather avoid meeting them even once in few years. To think of them as something useful now seems rather unfair.

The list of people I'm overdue calling is only growing. And none of them is obligatory. It's quite a frustratingly long list of people I love, to think of it.

Burning Question

Anu : Aayi, are you sure you burn incense sticks to worship God? Because the way you move it in front of the gods, it feels you are threatening them!

Wondering

If marriage kills more friendships than anything else.

The Day Past

A lot of laughter today and many people to thank for it.

Birthday Blues

Pal called me up today. I have been thinking of her of late but something unknown had held me back from connecting. But I was glad to hear from her, sounding as exuberant as ever. L and her are poles apart but I know I'm fond of her too. It's a bit complicated.

And yeah, she stays not very far so I can foresee a meeting in the near future.

I think with L I'm not worried about being judged but with everyone else, I am. That's the difference. I don't know why I should care, though.

When I went to sleep yesterday, I'd decided I was going to be a more disciplined and active person. It seems so hard already. No giving up yet. 

New Season

May be.

Touchy

All these action hero movies make the desk jobs look boring and worse, like the easiest thing to get. I wish they could try and pass a job interview!

Helping Myself

I'm one of those women(I'm not sure if there are more of this kind but I'm hoping I'm not unique) who spend fifty minutes of an hour doing things that aren't the need of the hour and ten minutes making up for it(Yes, I'm good at this part). Some wiring seriously gone wrong.

While Nadal does all the hard work and lifts 12 French Opens, defying age(Actually he's got to thank Federer some more; he's bearing the brunt of most of the age talk) and hopes of a new face, it feels like wasting his efforts if I don't get inspired somehow. I've got to think how.

Federer said in his post-match interview that Nadal being a leftie was a disadvantage to opponents because most others were not. Not much practice playing lefties. Nadal made that conscious decision but I'm surprised that more haven't.

Razia is back in town and she called up to say that she would return to work from Monday. She sounded better. Asked me if I had employed anyone else in her absence and I said no. She said she knew I wouldn't. The thing is I don't mind not having a help. I sometimes like the fact that it gives me the freedom to do things at my leisure(allows me to be lazy), to be dressed a little more carelessly etc.

Obituary

Girish Karnad passed away today. A rare man and I guess the kind we'll never have again.

Falling Like Seeds

It would be better if women stop being seeded in Grand Slams. They are so erratic and inconsistent, they make the numbering look ridiculous. It's so damn hard to remember the previous year's winner! I miss the Serena/Henin/Clijsters days.

To Get Away

I want to go on a long night journey. It's a pity the night doesn't last longer.

Different Shoes

"Nobody wants to work in the villages now, you know. All they want is to laze around because they don't have to struggle to make a living anymore! They get money easily anyway...". I hear this quite often these days. Mostly from people with landowning relatives back home with a shortage of personnel in recent times or people who were used to getting waited on by these 'lazy' villagers some years ago. The easy money is a reference to the MGNREGA(Rural Employment Guarantee) scheme, which has a poor implementation record to begin with. I listen to such conversation incredulously. First, if MGNREGA, which is 100 days of minimum work, is making them so content with their financial situation, how bad must it have been before? Are they to live such lives forever, just surviving and subservient? And also, I guess we should all learn the secret to their perceived happy, lazy and contented lives! I mean, here I am, much better off than them financially and struggling with juggling my career and home but no nearer to hanging my boots than I was last year. So many insecurities, so many aspirations...

Morning Surprises

My mother called me up early in the morning today and put my heart on edge for a while. With so many near and dear ones on the wrong side of sixty, I had reasons to be pessimistic. But thankfully she'd called only to inform me that my father was giving us a surprise visit. A visit necessitated by the fact that my aunt G had sent them loads of eatables, with instruction that some be delivered to us. My heart which had calmed hearing her cheerful voice, went crazy again at the incredibility of the reason. What's wrong with Aunt G!? How can she behave as if Dharwad, Mangalore and Bangalore were some nearby gullies! Don't we get food here? But now after tasting her Atirasa, Jackfruit chips, Vade, Aapoos mangoes, ELLunde and murabba, my heart is full of gratitude and guilt. I don't know what these people are made up of, really.

Unexplained

The Delhi Government wants to make Metro and bus rides free for women. I can't find the logic. The need of the hour is better safety.

Food for Thought

https://www.thehindu.com/society/why-are-karnatakas-schoolchildren-unhappy-with-the-mid-day-meal/article27378176.ece

The government school in my neighbourhood also gets catered to by Akshaya Patra for the midday meal. I've seen children carrying their plates outside the school to throw large quantities of food and it's not a pretty sight. I think it's an open secret that Akshaya Patra's food does not taste great. I've heard it tastes the same everyday. So instead of saying "Hey, I give you free food and that itself is a great favour. Now don't be greedy and just shut up and eat!", we should just look at our own homes to know what kids want - taste and variety. I don't think they really care if you put onion or garlic in it, as long as the food makes them want to eat it. Midday meal helps both children and their parents and it would be a pity if a small obvious thing undermines the scheme. Akshaya Patra does a great job in the matters of food hygiene and also relieving the schools of logistical headache. I hope they can just go a step further.

Exposed Past

I met L before she left for Singapore. Just before we parted, she touched this scar on my upper forehead and asked if it was recent. I said I had got it when I was five and she was surprised she'd never noticed it before. I said I must've balded. I wasn't serious but seeing this old photo of mine it does seem that there has been considerable loss of hair cover in the recent years.

Self-doubts

Some days you go out and so many people stare at you intently that you want to touch your face and see if anything is stuck there or if you've worn your bindi on the nose or something.

Abhay Deol is so effortless, he almost looks lazy. But I wish directors could give him more intense roles. I would watch.

Attrition is booming. Just when we needed more eyes and hands. It's going to be a struggle at least till the year end.

If Congress party cannot bring in some changes now, when else? I thought 2014 itself was a great opportunity but they missed it. Life has given them another unfortunate chance so they should grab at least this one.

Photograph

I watched Ritesh Batra's Photograph some days ago. It's been maligned by some for its slowness but I enjoyed the very fact. He has to develop two worlds disparate in so many ways that it would take time. I could've watched another hour of it. I guess some would also hate the fact that the movie doesn't conclude one way or the other(P swore badly when the end credits rolled) or that it doesn't even feel like having begun in the traditional sense. But having watched a couple of his previous movies, I'm getting used to Batra's modus operandi. He just gives you the premise and lets you fill in the rest, optimistically or otherwise. He doesn't believe in letting you go with just a happy or a sad sigh. It takes some getting used to, surely. And given the fact that the characters hardly speak in words, it's some bit of hard work for the viewer. Much as I enjoyed that process, I couldn't help cursing Batra at times for his stinginess. Like the scene where the hero discovers the girl's favourite and now supposedly-extinct Campa Cola. You prepare yourself for the impending romantic moment but no, it turns out that you have to conjure it up only in your head! Sadistic, no?