Happy Never After

Watching Ottaal, I wonder when I last watched a movie with a bleak end. Must've been Court and Sairat before that. I guess pessimism is a taboo for commercial cinema and I know only Puttanna Kanagal who successfully merged both.

I wonder how much of Sairat's success is due to the ending. The story is not really new. To me, it appeals because it beats the expectations at every turn; the lovers beat the odds when you worry for them and meet the doom when you think the worst is over. In Ottal, the end bites me hard even when I sit in anticipation of tragedy, while in Court, I hardly notice it because the tragedy there is the all-pervasive, business-as-usual kind.

Hit Hard

It's like all of late night Bhootada Kola, campus roaming, beach frolicks and forest walks are hitting me together now, I feel so drained out. And I have Anu's birthday celebrations today, which we postponed from yesterday. I just want to sleep, forgetting the messy house.

I suppose Anu's threshold for pain is higher after that burn incident in 2013. She fell and had a bad cut yesterday evening but she seemed hardly troubled by it.

I went to college and yet didn't meet Sir. College was closed for holidays and he might not have been there but had I told him that I was visiting, we would've surely met somewhere. Feeling very guilty.

Summoned by the God

Roopa was my classmate and friend in Primary school. She was born with both hands small and weak, with palms turned inwards. She managed her affairs, including writing, fairly well and if somebody troubled her, used her hands to emotionally blackmail them(her fiery elder sister must've been the other deterrent). Our houses were not too far apart so we walked home together most times with Asha, another friend. Roopa's family wasn't well-to-do to begin with but things changed. Her mother started going into a trance and we heard it was the Goddess Durga who was speaking through her while she was in a trance. Before we knew, there was a temple constructed nearby, Roopa and family had moved into a comfortable house next to the temple and she now had a powerful defense up her sleeve.

I continued accompanying Roopa to school but things had altered somewhat; Roopa was not so timid anymore, she was proud of her mother and I was wary of her. I did encounter her occasionally when I called out to Roopa in the afternoons and she seemed normal enough except for the open hair but I always prayed that I didn't have to see her. I was a little scared of Roopa too.

I must've been around 10 year old then and Roopa's temple was celebrating anniversary. Roopa said they wanted me to sing the prayer at the programme. I remember my parents getting uncomfortable at the prospect and I myself had a feeling that I was somehow being part of a scam(opinion of my immediate neighborhood too). But soon enough we came to know that Pappa was invited to be one of the guests at the function! Pappa hardly believed in God those days but he couldn't say no to anybody. Anyway I felt comforted more than one way by his presence.

The day arrived and I had butterflies in my stomach as Asha, Roopa and I sang the prayer. Pappa's speech got over too. It was a school day and I was anxious to get to school, looking to say bye to Pappa when Roopa's mother got into her trance state. It was scary and I was trying desperately to catch Pappa's eye when the 'goddess' caught mine. She ordered me to join the worshippers who were chanting something and moving in circles around her. At first I pretended I didn't see it but there was no escape; someone conveyed her wishes to me and I had to join the gang. I wished the earth had swallowed me and even today I'm pretty sure that I saw sadistic pleasure in Roopa's mother's eyes.

I finished a couple of rounds before Pappa rescued me and I bolted towards the school, still smarting from my embarrassment. I was half way through when I realised that I was barefoot and I had left my shoes back there! This was a terrible dilemma; to return and risk being spotted by the dreaded eye or to lose my footwear. Monetary consideration won in the end and I did return to recover my shoes. But happily for me, I escaped unseen. I don't recollect talking about the incident in school.

The Moving Population

As it happens usually, we are already dreaming of our next long journey. If things go according to plan, which is a big if, we'll have a family vacation around Pune. Rishi is keen to take his little cousins along but it requires multiple levels of approval so keeping our fingers crossed.

V and my brother-in-law are planning a trip to Jordan. My mother is upset that they gave native place a miss. But I'm happy that it's in character.

Now that we took AT to our college, L has told him that it's his turn to take us to Kumaon. Hope it happens some day.

I feel so content and happy when I go home, I wonder myself that I don't go there often. I travelled by bus most of the time locally and didn't spot any familiar face, which is a strange experience. Yet, I have the constant feeling at the back of my mind that I'm among familiar faces. And Bangalore, where I've spent the most of my adult life, offers me that sense of anonymity.

While clicking the wooden fruits hanging from the ceiling of this traditional house in PilikuLa, I spotted the cashew fruit missing. Couldn't tell if the caretaker was impressed with my discovery or annoyed.

There and Back

One of my shortest trips home I guess. Different in other ways too. I visited only one family to begin with. Then L and family were here and we went around the alma mater and rejoiced at the relics from our times. Took the kids to PilikuLa and planetarium was fun. But didn't like the zoo much, though. I guess I won't like any zoo where tigers walk along the fence pensively, looking like us walking around our building complexes. It's a sad sight.

We rounded it up with a visit to Panambur beach today morning. It was nice but I think Suratkal beach is the best. It's cleaner and quieter and of course, I still feel that I own it, along with hundreds of my fellow-students.

The Night Worships

I watched Bhootada Kola yesterday night, my first time ever. It's a good experience but I had expected a little more dramatic performance, may be just because Bhoota is involved. The noise of the accompanying drums is deafening and rousing and I may have just mapped it to Yakshagana, where such beating brings on a spirited dance. As the performer moved back and forth, he looked at people in the eye and the first few times I almost dreaded that he would summon me to dance along. It was weird but I remembered the reason for the fear and soon got used to it.

Journey Time!

Home after an unexpectedly and unnecessarily long journey and as usual the buck stops with me for the mess. Hope to be wiser every time.

It was all fine till Hassan, actually. For long I've been travelling home by train and with train you tend to miss the real picture because it's after all one vehicle. But when you are on a bus and you look around waiting for the enormous line in front of the toll booth to clear, you kind of get some idea of the numbers leaving Bangalore. All sorts of vehicles carrying a promise of deliverance...Anyway,the red bus that we got was full with mostly IT-like crowd, silent and minding their nap or mobiles. Except for the lady next to me who was incessantly on calls and almost taught me MalayaLam in the process. Her 5 year-old son was an angel though, putting to shame Rishi and P, who couldn't sigh and curse enough, especially after we hit the rough patch.

Hassan started off with a nightmarish traffic snarl, as if we were those sinners who even a river couldn't swallow. The river Hemavati in fact looked impoverished and even in the ghats, there are signs of yet another year of diminished rainfall; browned and thirsty-looking fauna, dried up rivulets and waterfalls. The brown dust is also added by the road-widening work happening all along the coast, the hillside carved up and looking like the claw marks of a giant tiger. I wonder how long it will be for it to grow green again.

Going Silent

If a SRK movie is being altered 'not to hurt sentiments', I don't know what the future of theatrical productions is going to be. How much more can one be publicly correct? There won't be a need to have censor board anymore; all you need are community boards who will review and satisfy themselves that they are not being shown in 'bad light'. Nobody wants any mirror to society anymore. All we want is to forget the society for 3 hours, eat popcorn and come out to get into a fight because somebody stepped on your toes. With every petition like this, you may have already killed a few interesting characters right before they were born in a story and all you end up getting is songs and dances and some unbelievable characters like those in Padmavat. 

Colours of the Class

When did bright colours get associated with the working class and the dull, 'sober' colours with the elite? This is so much nonsense! Not that I care, though. I love colours. 

Just Another Tranquil Tuesday

The gang which has been dissecting a problem for a month gets into a call to conclude on the issue. High-pitched, confident, this-is-the-only-way arguments happen for some time and then a hesitant I'm-new-to-the-issue-but-shouldn't-it-rather-be-this-way interrupts them. The loud voices fall silent for a while and soon it turns out that we don't need to do anything at all! It feels lovely.

The sick note today - "I'm feeling unwell and will not be able to come to the office. Please regret the inconvenience.". No problem!

Tabu is a gem of an actor. Makes even crappy roles so much watchable. Unlike many others who rely a lot on their eyes to emote, she makes her mouth act so much more!

Upset at Congress' choice of CMs for Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh. A wasted opportunity and I can't help feeling terrible for a grimacing Sachin Pilot.

The Lone Eater

Plum cakes have mushroomed everywhere. I've been longing for them yet buying them has never been this difficult, because people at home have gone eggless! I tried hard to get the eggless types and when I couldn't, bought the egg cake thinking that at least kids wouldn't be able resist it anyway, just like me. Turns out that it was a myth and I've ended up eating the whole cake all alone. I don't know when I last ate anything all by myself but plum cake?! It's a surreal feeling. A sad one too, I may add. I don't know how many more I can eat like that.

Bitter Pills and Sweeteners

L went to Kerala to listen to some Guru this week and I am dismayed. I'm prejudiced against anybody who dishes out discourses like that and I somehow can't imagine L benefitting from such things. She is charmed by the theory of past births and rebirths now and I find it difficult to swallow. I guess I'm just too mired in my worldly worries right now but I would definitely prefer to be this way than any other.

Yesterday Anu mentioned that she had some sort of ailment in her foot sometime ago and I asked her why she hadn't told me when it happened. She said she didn't want me to fuss about it. Ha! Is this the same girl who not so long ago would get upset if I didn't express enough worries about her getting hurt? Alright!

My dreams are weird and wonderful. I'm sure it's for the best that I can't recollect most of them.

Mumbai Life

My Mumbai-born-and-bread boss and I were discussing something the other day and he mentioned his previous job and SEEPZ. I told him I was in Mumbai and SEEPZ too, for about six months. His tone immediately became apologetic and he started, "I know Mumbai can..." and I cut him short hurriedly. I told him I loved my time there and it was wonderful. I could sense that he was relieved and happy and the next few minutes we spent talking about every nook and corner of SEEPZ that we could recollect. Actually we worked at the same time there and who knows, I may have seen him in at least one of the ICHs!

I truly had a great time in Mumbai, that of a bird free and confident of roaming on its own. Mumbai office was supposed to be full of people who were snobbish and terrors(which mercifully I came to know only after returning!) but I found them all extremely nice, friendly and caring. The guesthouse was cosy and I felt so much at home that I hated to come back to Hyderabad. I haven't visited it after that and sometimes I wonder if I should at all, you know, just to keep it that happy place...like Manto.

Mumbai was also the place I witnessed for the first time two women quarreling in public. I was in the crowded local train and I guess it's common knowledge that they are famous for their crowds. If you want to get down at the station, you've got to put yourself into the eye of the crowd that's forming near the door and you automatically get pushed down. So there was this woman trying to do that and I guess she stepped on the other woman's foot(only a guess). And before long it had resulted in a war of words which were supposed to be Hindi by their texture but I had loads of trouble comprehending. I had heard a few of those expletives near the boys hostel during Engineering and whoever uttered those words never used to show their faces and over the time I had deduced their meaning. So I couldn't believe what I was hearing at first and I looked around incredulously. But the other women were as immune to it as if it was a beggar singing.  Anyway, soon one of the women fell silent and stood there like a stone while the other went on ranting, possibly annoyed at the other party's lack of response and trying her best to rile her up again. It felt terribly funny and if I was not afraid of becoming a target myself, I would've laughed. 

The Mumbai Connections

This makes me think of Mumbai. 

The Baby Blues

If there is one community which lives in paranoia, it is of first-time mothers. Especially the first year. I really think there should be a course on how to cope. You don't know what to say when even the most rational ones struggle when it comes to their child. You try your best to help because you've gone through that yourself. I had my worst fights with my mother when my son was small.

The Missing Link

P's fellow-villager who visited us the other day said he was missing Hyderabad, where he stayed for a while. He said Bangalore's food(he stays in one of the PG accommodations) was terrible and Hyderabad was like a piece of heaven in that regard. I have heard this from many people, from North and South alike and I find that I'm not qualified enough to ratify those claims. Andhra cuisine is too spicy for me by default and I missed Hyderabad for the easier access to food rather than the food itself.

P thinks people from his side find food the safest ice-breaker, that's all. He says they may not really mean it, except for missing the spice-quotient. 

Saturday Night Live!

There is hardly anything pretty about Mowgli except for the Cristian Bale lookalike Bagheera, the eyesore Freida Pinto and the carrot of a conflict that Serkis promises but mercilessly throws away in the second half. I didn't find myself excited about anything.

I think Manto left Bombay in a hurry because he was scared he would end up hating his beloved place, his utopia. He wanted to make sure it remained that way in his imagination.

If you love paneer, eat it home-made! There is nothing easier to make.

Memory Loss

Sometimes I forget that I have two aunts. After my mother it's been aunt G for me and it's as if the other one doesn't exist. The one who's my aunt G's twin, the one I remember as the silent as opposed to the talkative G, the one who took it badly that G got married but my uncles couldn't find a good match for her in time, who couldn't get along well with her resident sister-in-law and attempted suicide at least twice and had to be fished out of the well(I have dreamy memories of that), then got married into a torturous family(I remember her big-mustached) brother-in-law coming to my grandmother's place and Manjanna telling me that it was to extract money from my uncles), couldn't have children and that became the centrepiece of her existence...innumerable trips to fertility centres first and then to psychiatrists, apathy and even cruelty of her husband who is still well received in my native place because he's a cook and helps during functions, her demand she would adopt aunt G's daughter....but my defining memory of her is her standing in knee deep water in the canal hurling abuses at her parents, siblings and sisters-in-law one-by-one and me watching her from the banks, unsure if I should run home to fetch someone or stay put and watch over her...I think she is one memory all of us push to the bottom of our brains and it is strange and not so strange that I think of her much less than I think of my dead uncles. She's a living apparition.

Annoyed!

One thing I hate in workplace is people(that too my team!) sending huge attachments without zipping them! People who've been in the industry since the dinosaurs!  

Channelling the Prejudices

I watched cable TV after a long time and switched to news. The first channel had cow vigilante mob killing a cop who was trying to control them. In the second one, Prannoy was asking Raje if she felt sad when mob lynched somebody in her state and before she answered it, I was thinking such a non-question it was. But she said he was putting words into her mouth. When he insisted, she replied nonchalantly yet warily that mob lynching was like murder and it was a bad thing. It reminded of our movie stars when they are quizzed about one of their own caught in an offense. Anyway, I moved onto the third channel expecting to shut my eyes and mind to the depressing cow developments and I wasn't disappointed. It felt like I was in the euphoric days of 2014 again!

Why is it bullshit and not cowshit? Are they too different?

The Upward and Downward

I found Anu's horoscope while cleaning up and it says her husband will come from the northern direction. That's such an open statement! What, north of Bangalore, North Karnataka, North India, North of the continent, Northern pole? I've got to be patient.

Rishi is becoming difficult. There is nothing he can say yes to, except when he hasn't done so well in exams. That's the only time he's vulnerable and nods to anything I say. But that doesn't last.

Is there a way to find how many people have watched a movie on Netflix? I'm hoping enough people watched Tamhane's movie Court because the box office numbers are unbelievably abysmal.

We had a guest today. After a long time. A youngster from my in-laws' place, who's working here. Even P was meeting him for the first time.

Standing Together

Sandstorm reminded me of Sairat. In the way the daughter is her father's pride, till she crosses a line. And once she does that, she's an embarrassment, a burden and a threat. Layla and Tasnim's treatment of their mother vis-à-vis their father was also very familiar.

I'm going to renew my library membership tomorrow. This is the fourth time this year that I'm renewing it after ad-hoc suspensions. It always happens that as school tests come by and Anu starts throwing tantrums, we discover that the root cause is the library and me, the bad one. I get frustrated and go and cancel the membership only to renew it when I feel sorry for Anu. Anyway, I've had it now and tomorrow it's going to be for a good one year. If I can't stand by a seven year-old who wants to read story books, I don't think I can count on myself for much else.

A Good Day!

In more ways than one. And I'm sleeping at 11 after God knows how long. It's wonderful!

Change is Here!

Anu : Aayi, what's our most important festival?
Me : We celebrate DeepavaLi and Ganesha Chaturthi on a big scale.
Anu : But I think for people living in Karnataka, Kannada Rajyotsava should be the most important one. It celebrates the whole state!

The girl continues to surprise me. From someone who disliked Kannada, she's transformed into something of a brand ambassador. For DeepavaLi, her teacher asked them all to bring some traditional food to share with the class. Anu was very keen to carry raagi mudde, because she'd read it's one of our staple foods and she wanted everybody to taste it. And when she sees any combination of red and yellow, she gets excited thinking of Karnataka flag and now she's determined to read and write Kannada. It's all too much to digest for me right now and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed. Of course on the other hand, she's taken up Marathi equally wholeheartedly. She speaks to herself in Marathi occasionally and to anybody else she can, too. My in-laws are thrilled.

Missing Ambareesh, just like that.

Been There Done That

This article definitely opened up some old stink. I know every word of it firsthand, having experienced it in at least one of my grandparents' place till I was a teenager. Even when I look back through the coloured glass of nostalgia, it's no pretty sight. It was a torture to endure, whether in the day or night, because the fear of being discovered by somebody in the daylight played no less on one's mind. Night of course was a different ball game; even the moonlight wouldn't penetrate the trees which seem suddenly full of ominous sounds, torches that die suddenly and returning is not an option, sit in those trenches praying that nothing bites you and even if something does, it's only an ant and nothing worse, keep calling Aayi just to feel secure....and don't even talk about when it rained. Oh, shit! Just because there was so much unused land all around, people thought there was no need of a toilet! My son hates to go into the toilet when we go to my grandmother's place because he thinks it's not 'nice'. But he doesn't know what relief it was for me to see it the first time! If there is one thing I am upset with my father about, it's that he too didn't get it done sooner.

Sometimes I think I wrongly romanticize about my childhood. Yes, I grew up in a pretty little place which I loved and I don't find that place anymore. But I had many insecurities and complexes of my own, some unwanted and serious burdens and fears, I shared them with nobody and I seem to have been good at keeping them hidden. May be I just force my mind to believe that one thing is another. 

Enchanted

Goa government is asking its farmers to experiment with cosmic farming. Chant the vedic mantras for 20 days for better results. My first thought was Goa!!? Of course it's the fault of my prejudiced and ignorant brain which thinks Goa is made only of beaches and tourists(excluding me). But yes, Goa has farmlands and politicians too. Nevertheless, I wish they had rather experimented this on the endangered farmlands of Punjab. May be they'll soon also market it as some sort of disaster tourism or something.

Such news makes me angry. Angry that no distopian novel predicted such absurdity and that doomsday predictions couldn't be more specific. But I must admit that the idea is rather novel; I would've thought they were more useful with people, like the warring chiefs of CBI or the dirty-linen-washing RBI governors...

Endangered

John Chau's death comes hardly a month after this article in The Hindu. Why do we find it so hard to tolerate and understand diversity?

Waste Worries

One and may be the only problem I have with Amazon so far, is the amount of plastic it generates with each delivery. The way our civic body collects and disposes it, I end up worrying that half the stray plastic lying on the road may be from our house. 

Line of Duty

First they downsize us saying the attrition numbers are not up to the mark and now we have people leaving in numbers. And we don't even have a whiff of anything to come, I mean, not even rumours!

I was just wondering how many people I would miss if they went out of this place, apart from P of course. With Rajani half the world away, it's only three people - my boss, A and SK. All other people I would cry for are gone already.

It may be that I'm too much into Line of Duty, but Nidhi Razdan interviewing Aatish Taseer on his latest book was like AC-12 interrogating one of those coppers. If he was guilty of anything, he would've confessed in two seconds so he must be really innocent.

Work has picked up a little and I'm so damn grateful!

Golden Stakes

Our long-service mails are like obituaries. You may hate the guy, you may think he's the most useless in the world but when the HR comes calling for your comments, you end up writing all flowery tributes to him.

Saving the Day

Only thing that can save today is the possibility that tomorrow I may think of it as having been a better day.

The Convenient Charity

When my friend Prashant was working here and I was in Hyderabad, I had visited him once. While on the way to some place else, he had stopped at this orphanage and school for the blind. He was giving away his old jeans and he was grateful that he could dispose them off there. I don't recollect where we went after that but this address stuck in my head. So now I go there regularly too, to give away old clothes, equally grateful. Somehow it had never struck me that they could do with regular donations too and was embarrassed last time when the girl at the counter thrust a pamphlet in my hand. I think most people use that place to dump things only.

I guess Hamilton won't be forgiven by the 'rich' Indians soon. He has no business bringing it up when we are already rolling in guilt about it and on top of that, when he has the chance to make amends, he does not stop at the standard "India has great culture" and goes on to a "but"! Now that's not something to be forgotten easily!

Drowsy

P is like a dream these days. You know, the kind that you see after midnight and spoil your sleep...

That Lonely Feeling

I think behind at least some of those super-womanly feelings, there is a super help-less feeling. Frustrated, angry, tired, worried, misused...

The Wrong(ed) Face

Our water filter stopped working in the evening and I had to rush out to get some water. I went to a nearby shop and did not have the change. The MalayaLi(it was easy to figure that) owner sent his son to get the change from outside and meanwhile struck a conversation with me. I spoke in Kannada and he followed suit in his broken one. He talked about the dishonest dealers and I was sympathetic. Then the boy returned and I took the money, thanked him and was leaving, when the owner asked me if I was from Tamil Nadu. Why the hell did he think that! I regret not asking him.

Bad Stories

I reached this piece of news late and it's like a little nightmare. Just days after I wrote excitedly about Balekempa, its director has been named in a case of sexual misconduct. It's disheartening and ironical that the guy who said all he wanted was dignity for the place and the people he came from, did not consider that the girl in front of him expected nothing less. 

The Boy-girl Thing

Anu: Aayi, I know boys get annoyed if they are called girls but I think girls wouldn't mind being called boys.
Me: I minded it when my grandmother said I was behaving like a boy!
Anu: I wouldn't have minded. I would've loved to have been a boy.
Me: Why?
Anu: I think boys are luckier.
Me: What do you mean?
Anu: For example, I get scolded more in this house.
The girl drives us all up the wall messing up the whole house with her creations, can never keep a thing in its place, makes me anxious every morning wondering what she would bring up to skip school and she says I scold her more than her brother. I gave her a piece of my mind.

I've finally got some work. I'm an external consultant to another team. It may not last long but I'll do for now.

Familiar History

Mary Beard says in SPQR, "Electioneering at Rome could be a costly business. By the first century BCE it required the kind of lavish generosity that is not always easy to distinguish from bribery. The stakes were high. The men who were successful in the elections had the chance to recoup their outlay, legally or illegally, with some of the perks of the office. The failures - and, like military defeats, there were many more of those in Rome than is usually acknowledged - fell ever more deeply into debt."

There is no comfort in knowing that we still carry that legacy.

The Sky is Pink

And my mobile camera is just too inadequate to bring out the shades. Just wonderful!

Finding Patterns in the Sky

I thought DeepavaLi for Bangalore got over yesterday with minimal crackers but hold on, today it's been non-stop raining of smoky stars! What does that mean?

The Exalted One

Rahul Dravid is on everyone's tongue these days. People cutting across classes are using his name to mean commitment, sincerity, integrity and so much more. It's as if he'll become a dictionary word soon. But I just miss his game. I miss watching him on the field more than ever, when cricket enthuses or entertains me no more.

New Learnings

"I've been a total cow" is a very confusing sentence. I mean, if you look at the person saying it and in your head the image of a desi cow pops up. You start looking for sarcasm where it's not there. But then you think of the annoying Jersey cows which rule the roads and terrorise everybody and you kind of understand the meaning.

I could kill for some good work. I'm tired of pretending it's just round the corner. J has been very kind, knowing how frustrated I have been but it's not going to sustain me for long.

Nudges and Pushes

Anu is still not in complete rhythm with her music class and I'm resisting the urge to say to hell with it and give it up myself. It starts with her reluctance to come out of bed and proceeds to showcasing various ailments that have suddenly appeared - itching, pain in the hands, legs etc. I don't budge and she says mothers are supposed to understand their children's problems. I say I do but mothers can also see a bit of future through their own past and she shouts that I'm the worst mother in the world. I think of Parth, the 13-year old who used to learn flute when I was learning music in 2006(my third unsuccessful attempt). He had said that he hated his mother when she pushed him young into music because that was the last thing he wanted to do then. But he was now glad that she did it despite his heavy protests. Then I think of V who reminisced how I used to mercilessly dump library books on her in High School(now grateful for it, of course). So I just hold my tongue and push ourselves out.

But once on the road, things definitely get better. We discuss neutral things like dialects and sing as we walk along. We are five minutes late in reaching the class but I think it was a good bargain in the end. And hopefully, tomorrow's classes will be easier.

A Pressing Matter

MS was my classmate in Primary school. One of the easiest boys to talk to, friendly, balanced, lots of banter and sometimes serious too and we got along well. There were odd moments of discord. In 4th standard, he called V by some obnoxious name and when I threatened to tell the teacher about it, jeered me with "go and tell your father". Father was a no-no word and I was forced to escalate the matter. It finally ended with our teacher reminding him that my father was most likely to teach him in High School. This was an unfair advantage that I often enjoyed. Anyway, it was a rare blip and we patched up soon enough. But I don't remember much of him after 6th standard like most others and next I met him was like a decade later.

It was 2002 and I had gone home on leave. Going to Mangalore was customary; I love the journey, I was proud of my money then and I did most of my shopping there. So I was on my way in a shared taxi when suddenly I discovered that MS was my co-passenger. I doubt if I recognized him first; he had a small beard, looked fairer than ever and even had a headgear of some sort. Anyway, he was in the front seat, I was directly behind him and the taxi was crowded so conversation was difficult and we just exchanged general details. He reached his destination first and proceeded to pay for both of us. I was protesting when he turned back, said it was okay, smiled, pressed my hand and walked away. I hate it when someone else pays my bill but that had taken the backseat now. Why did he press my hand like that? Was it just a normal, friendly gesture? But this was a new precedent, even for me. Would he do that to others too? By then enough people around me had made me feel like a sinner on account of N and I wondered if it was MS's way of telling me that he knew about it too. That he thought I didn't mind these things. Answer was hard to come by and it troubled me.

Today if MS meets me again, he may hardly remember that day in taxi, much less the hand. And here I am, still wondering about it.

The Small Universe

P has joined his Engg. whatsapp group recently and it's time for calls and messages and boisterous laughs. It's an odd feeling. I don't know if we have a group like that but the thing is even if there is one, I don't look forward to joining it. I won't have anything to reminisce about with most of them because my memories from those days have only two people in them - L and N...I guess I can include Pal too. That's all.

Semblance of a Memory

Maria Mozhdah reminds me of Renu...eyebrows, nose, fingers...

Getting Over

I wish we can build this Ram Mandir in Ayodhya as soon as we can. I mean, for how long are we going to postpone the one thing that is going to make us all, I mean Hindus, happy for ever after? The only problem may be the sudden unemployment issue for some,whose only job has been urging the bhakts to do it. I guess they can gun for some other Mughal monument next. Now that we have the Statue of Unity and soon a statue of Shivaji, who needs Mughal monuments anyway! Some tombs! So against our culture, really. We don't even care to visit our ancestral samadhis in our own backyard but we want to go and gape at those Mughal samadhis! 

Anti-conversion Laws

L has spent at least 30 years of her life in Bangalore and now she's living in Hyderabad for a little more than a year and she's finding all sorts of problems with Bangalore, out of nowhere. Her latest are the kirana shops, which she believes have vanished from Bangalore but are thriving in her new home. I do miss seeing More Supermarket board in Hyderabad but there are also some five kirana shops in the 200 meters between my house and the busstop. I had to count them and some more shops nearby and then she unhappily agreed that her fears may be unfounded. I am a recent convert to Bangalore after having been in love with Hyderabad for long and it's unbelievable that she gives me unfinished sentences like, "Bangalore has become....somehow....you know..."! What!!

Stuck with the Choices

On the way to my in-laws' place, we stayed with L for a day in Hyderabad. She stays alone, waiting for her husband to join her from Singapore and for the first time her loneliness was telling in what she spoke and did. She doesn't have children and while I don't think back in 2003 that's what she wanted, somewhere down the line she made that choice with the turn life took. It didn't feature in our subsequent discussions and she's been fond of my kids, more so of Rishi, in a sort of detached way. This time she seemed agitated, more than once mentioned that it was a big place for her to live alone and the night before we started, wanted to give money as gift to the kids. I protested and she said, "You should not say no. You know I don't have kids of my own" and proceeded to shed tears. I froze, said a little of what struck my mind  but it just wrung my heart. Oh, the last thing I want is for L to start feeling sorry for her life!

Cooking for Compliments

It seems my cooking is attracting a fair deal of attention among Rishi's friends, with some even asking for recipes. This is a new crisis in my life. I've not been famous for my culinary skills(nothing else either actually) and it's been smooth sailing for me because P has been very tolerant and considerate when it comes to food and I've learnt to swallow Rishi's criticism. Now the last thing I want at 7:30 in the morning is to take more pressure on myself thinking there is some fan club of mine out there!

It takes all my energy to send Anu back to music classes after a month's break. Her enthusiasm is a wave that ebbs for no apparent reason and the girl can manufacture anything to bunk a class. I terminated my music classes in 4th standard just to watch a serial and I hope she doesn't end up regretting it like me.

Earning Some Respect

Rishi has landed his first paying job! His drawing teacher asked him to assist her for a month in return for a salary. But given his schedule, I doubt if he can take it up. He's very excited, nevertheless.

Razia is upset that whenever she talks about her workload, all her husband can say is that she should quit working and stay at home. Men have long got used to undermining their wives' efforts as inferior to their own. Women brave guilt, internal and external pressures both at workplace and home, they take pride in being good and responsible workers, they are respected and loved at their workplace and to dismiss all of it with statements like "Oh, what are you going to achieve anyway, you are not serious about your work!", "I earn more than enough for us, your salary can't even cover this and that...", "You don't have to pretend that you are working to help me or anything. You can sit at home from this very second for all I care!" is so insensitive, disheartening and smacks of ego. Just because a woman is the first one to care for a sick child or she puts her family ahead of all her plans? It's Mr. Kramers everywhere.

Re-adaptation

In the last one week, my throat was terrible because of an infection and now I've started to get back to my daily singing and my voice feels like a radio station when it's not tuned in properly. Still doesn't feel like coming from my own throat, somehow. I'm still trying.

When the hell will somebody make a decent adaptation of The Mill on the Floss!! The entire novel is a long shot, they can't even do justice to Maggie! It's very very frustrating. Maggie's character is so clear in my head, why can't they do it?

Humsafars

I'm good at making short-term connections. Like the ones on train journeys.

One week of no internet, hardly any whatsapp and much less calls, not to speak of work. And the most surprising part is that I didn't miss any of it at all! This surely must be some malady?

Sound Worships

The silence of the afternoons is much at odds with the relentless cacophony of the mornings and evenings. It is not new, though the festival season gives a phillip to it. Many popular tunes are parodied to praise the goddess and my ears also detect some "Jai Hind" by the end of some songs; this part is definitely new. The local voice is mostly pleasant on the ears except when it goes off-pitch and gets magnified by the mike. Then like in typical rural community-celebrations, you hear sundry conversations happening around the temple; men urging the 'mahiLa mandaLi' to hasten with their offerings, women's delighted giggles, which they obviously know are being heard by the village, children taking turn to sing songs in a loop...beyond a point, all the noises merge and slowly fade away from the brain....I only wish they hadn't started as early as 4 in the morning.

Contrasts

After enduring many months of construction noise in Bangalore, what struck me first in my in-laws' place is its silence, especially in the afternoons.

Loosening Up

Going through the accounts of #MeToo in India and what surprises me is how confident the abusers seemed to have been that they wouldn't be called out or that they would get away with it. It holds a mirror to all of us, the culture we have hammered into ourselves, of not making a big deal out of almost anything. It's all about society and its feelings. No, not feelings I guess but its muscle.

Panic is when you take a dear person for granted and don't respond to her whatsapp promptly, thinking you would call her up at leisure.Then finally that time comes and you call her up, all ready to talk to her in your most cheery mood and her phone rings out. You are feeling sheepish now and you write to her on whatsapp and she sees those messages but doesn't respond.

Shops near me were selling only very short chemises so I asked my mother to stitch one for me. She did and it's more like a toga and I can't feel any curve of my body. It's me in 9th standard, all over again.

Presumptuous

A new bride writes on her facebook page, "I finally found a star who shines only in front of me". Not very flattering either.

Answer?

Read this news yesterday. May be my bird was drunk too! What did it eat!

Sisterly Concerns

It's highly annoying when people presume that I have a brother. A lady asked me yesterday if my parents stayed with my brother and sister-in-law and was surprised when I said I had only a sister. All my life I've been asked this kind of questions and it's been a sadistic pleasure to see them get worried on my behalf.

Digressing

P is so busy these days, it's like he's on one of his foreign trips. It's draining me further and my enthusiasm for the impending trip is draining out too. Of course I can't say that. Holy cow.

By the way, I hate the word holy these days. Cringeworthy!

I didn't add cumin to my sambar masala because it was out-of-stock. It made so much difference, surprisingly! Not bad but just different. But really? I'll have to try it once more to confirm, though it's against my ingrained rule.

Rishi says his friends think I'm a very kind and nice mother. There must be something wrong with me.

The only way to get some people to pay attention to kitchen is to burn something. I mean figuratively.

Expectant

I'm excited to hear about Balekempa movie. I hope Ere Gowda can not only inspire many more like him to come out with their stories but can also help them to do that, knowing as he does that it's not easy. I don't know when I'll get to watch it, though. I've booked V for it already and incidentally the last movie I watched with her was Tithi.

Anu singing "Kali Ghata Chhaye Mora..." is a little bit surreal and assuring, in a strange way. But I don't want to expect too much out of kids. Sometimes it feels like we want them to be what we were, what we were not and what we could never be.

I feel like a species about to go extinct; the ones who know my module inside out. There is only one more like me. When the numbers come down to this, it's no more satisfying to be an expert. 

Five Yards of Disappointment

I'm a little depressed. I saw an ad of Vastrabharana on Saturday and was enthused. I have a difficult equation with sarees. I love the various kinds of cotton sarees, they look so good on others! And though I hardly get to wear them outside, it's a small-scale fantasy of mine to hoard them and wear them some day. Vastrabharana's location was Chitrakala Parishat which is pretty far but we've never been there before so I took everyone along. I hardly stepped in and saw the crowd and I chickened out. I glanced at some sample price tags and I just couldn't proceed. It was me in 10th standard, that ghost from the past. I hated myself at the moment. Of course since then I've made myself feel better by saying that they are simply overpriced and I could get them elsewhere cheaper. But the thing is that I spend my yearly increments only on inflation and nothing else. Affordability is in my brain than in my purse and I'd rather be a miserable saving-for-my-hundredth-year lady than a happy live-now person.

Anyway, we also went to the art gallery upstairs which calmed me because it was almost empty, so much in contrast with the number downstairs. There are some nice landscapes and portraits by the Roerichs and curious info sheets on old-time European and Asian cultures. The security personnel far outnumbered us and seemed glad to see anybody. One of them accompanied us and she asked me if Rishi was my son. I said yes and she said he's just so tall. Then she looked wistfully at me and said if only I could colour my hair, nobody could say he was my son. It didn't make me happy, for a change.

No Excuses

Is it so difficult to believe that Nana Patekar can be a creep, just because he's good to farmers in distress? It cannot be used as an excuse. Like Salman Khan these days is only BeingHuman.

The J & K Guy

When I read about J and K, I invariably think of OT because he remains the only person from there who I had any close contact with. But I didn't talk a word about Kashmir with him, for unfathomable reasons. May be because he was the final year student and was on campus only for 4-5 months after we met and he had other things on mind like exams and going away and all that. But I do wish now that I had asked him something. Anything at all.

We first met as part of Office Committee during my first college fest. Pal, L and I were the freshers in it and while all the senior boys were very nice to us and it was a great 3 days, OT was something more. Library was second home to L and me those days and I remember OT joining us on many of the evenings. He looked quite typical of the place he came from and had a girlfriend who we were in awe of for her looks. But when he came and sat with us in the library after seeing her off, we maintained a respectful silence on the subject. I think he once made an oblique reference to it mentioning the North-South divide but L and I couldn't offer any solution anyway.

He was very affectionate to me and treated me almost like a kid. Not in so many words but may be the way he patted my head and how comfortable he made me feel. Of course we hardly talked in library and if he took us out for a coffee and snacks, he would tell us stories from the day and past. Except for my cousin R, no boy had ever been like that before and to come to a new place and find such kinship in a stranger was not what I had expected. I accepted his kindness simply, was naturally fond of him and was anxious to see him happy; I could sense that he had some worries in his romantic life, further studies and his would-be job. I remember one night during the exam season where he came to library in a bad mood, the paper hadn't gone well. I wanted to make him feel better but didn't know how and finally asked him desperately if there was anything I could do. He looked up at me with knitted brows and said sarcastically, "can you dance?". Well, I couldn't. Thankfully he recovered soon without it.

It was the year after he left that I finally found the answer to a nagging question. OT's state junior and friend VK, who would come along with him till library, hardly ever joined us there. Not only that, if I bumped into him in the corridor or stairs or anywhere else, he behaved as if he just didn't know me and worse, his look was as if he meant, "be away from me!". I thought well of him and he seemed sociable enough otherwise, so it was baffling. Then Pal met OT in Bangalore and it seems he told her that VK thought OT was jeopardising his romantic life because of me. He had asked OT to stop hobnobbing so much with me! What the hell! I wish we could all get together and have a laugh about it but it didn't happen. VK continued to give me bad stares till he left the college.

Easy Excuses

I like long-distance calls, especially the cross-border ones. There is so much scope to misinterpret.

Whenever I crib with L that I'm hardly doing anything, she just says, "Come on dearie, you have kids!" which most of the times is just the placebo I need. But I guess both of us know that I can do better than that. I do.

Many of us seem to feel happy that Manto was persecuted in Pakistan and was unhappy there. I think we should also ask why he didn't feel secure enough to stay on in India.

Midnight Songs

All I ask of the drunken singers in my neighbourhood who wake me up in the middle of the night is not to sing Marathi or old Kannada songs. Old Kannada songs are my childhood and I feel like lending my voice to the drunken soul and Marathi, well, I believe that I'm fairly well-to-do in the language now and I have this urge to validate that belief at every possible opportunity. So I find it very difficult to go back to sleep. 

Acting the Balance

Brain sometimes equates A with B based on aberrations like  - "Of course A is a good guy. But not always you know, there was this one time he was..." and "B is an ingrate. But I don't know, last time he was very nice somehow...". It's very unfair. If I am a clever B, all I have to do is throw an occasional nicety which will be picked up and cherished forever!

There was an odd shower the other day and brought some temporary relief. Anu got so thrilled that she went into the balcony and started singing "There shall be showers of blessing" loudly with hands and feelings and everything. She was so earnest about it that I couldn't even laugh.

RR called up, after a long time. Shucks, I realised that I missed talking to him and laughing. Every time he calls he says "when are you coming here!" and I think a couple of times more and I may just do it. I guess not, actually. Those impulsive days are over. I'm a very 'rooted' person these days. It's a loss. 

Finding Matches

This TJ Caruso in The Good Cop reminds me of Rishi. They are similar; principled, earnest and yeah, spectacled too. I don't know...since I'm the first one to boast of not having any principles in life, P must take all the blame for it, I guess. And Tony Sr. reminds me of my uncle G, mostly looks-wise.

All at home now are 'pure' vegetarians, except me. I continue to eat egg-cakes when I can. I mean, I've been eating Christmas cakes all my life so there is no point in saying no to it now, I love it! I guess I can convert Anu to my side if I try, she seems not so convinced about denying herself the egg-cakes either.

Humourless

My parents are still depressed and I can understand that. But Aayi didn't have to tell me, "I'll call you tomorrow evening if I come back alive from the wedding"!! I too am in no mood to generate some joke out of such statements right now, she should know that.

Anu has begun to like her mother tongue now, she's even proud of it and that of course has got me sort of relieved. Of course it's only half the battle because Marathi is a long way to go. And then she is missing her grandparents after their recent visit. She was vocally happy when they left after 5 years of staying with us, especially my mother and I didn't know what to say. I could understand that to some extent because of the friction they had on almost a daily basis but yet I had hoped she would be at least a little sad at their leaving. So this time I'm secretly rejoicing when she sheds tears that she wants them here forever. And also, she is finally at home with her music classes and the notes. She wants more of them, hums them day and night and has added singer to her list of professions.

Just too much work. Not that I'm complaining. I want more. 

Selling a Mirage

We are getting sillier by the day. What we are saying is like okay, I know what you want and I have the perfect fit for you. But I won't give you that because I want to sell you something much more expensive. But you'd better know that this expensive thing doesn't fit you yet, so you can come after a year and try your luck !!! Bloody nonsense! Anyway, this is beyond me and I don't want to spoil my relationships because of it.

Broken-hearted

LS passed away today, after succumbing to complications arising out of childbirth. Must have been 30. She wanted that baby so badly and what's happened is so damn cruel on one of the nicest girls we knew and also very hard on the people remaining, very dear people. Just terrible. 

Unfamiliar Territory

It had been some time since I took the 1st Main and today when I went I saw that there was this empty space at the corner, obviously the previous structure demolished recently. I must've walked past that building everyday twice for at least five years of my life but it still took me a long time to recollect what that was. Some things you just don't see I guess.

I have always believed that V and I don't look similar. Eyes, nose, teeth, height, build...not even eyebrows, I must say. But yesterday a lady in my building asked me if we were sisters, she had seen her exiting the building. She is the third stranger to ask me that question and now I'm forced to think what it is. May be the way we laugh. But who's seen that!

Some days are unbelievably harassing types.

Het Up

Bangalore is burning. Combine that with the noise and dust of construction happening outside and it's an unpleasant mixture.

I don't understand my mother. She goes at least 5 times a year to her in-laws' place, never happily(justified) but yet she goes there like with a vengeance. And when I tell her that we are planning to visit my in-laws' place soon, she asks me why. Why!! We go there once a year and there are people who are looking forward to my coming and I too am eager to meet them and she asks me why.

I love Emma Thompson.

Caricatured

I think irrespective of the looks of the cartoon, what Serena Williams did was wrong and racism and sexism are easy words to divert attention from that. She made it look like some fiefdom! So much of what she shouted there made me cringe and that would've been the case even if it was a white Nadal. 

Light-headed

One of those days where it felt like I was the only studious kid and others were all having fun because the teacher was on leave. Almost an impulse to tell on them....But yet, by the end of the day, it felt like I was the happiest one too and they didn't know that what I do is so much more fun...

My parents are here and I was telling V that we have more sweets at home today than we had at her wedding. I can never be my mother and I don't even aspire to be, though Rishi would very much like me to....

Weekend Revelation

Rishi is turning out to be a very good mimic. I have a feeling he'll get into trouble at school. But he says he can't mimic me; there is nothing peculiar about me!

Hope to finish my list today.

Hairy Tale

My hair is one of the most misleading things about me. Just because it's long or because I always simply plait it, people seem to get hopeful that I'm a very religious or in general, a lady conforming to all traditions. Sometimes I can just plainly see these opinions forming in their eyes and I so wish to tell them that I'm none of those things and that they will be sorely disappointed if they rely on me.

I keep my hair long because well, I was like born with it. I know there are many who would love to have it, people young and old, men and women, known and unknown stop me and ask about it and talk about their own and it feels good.People predicted its fall at different stages of my life based on their own experiences; when I joined the hostel, when I lived in Hyderabad, when my children were born and when it remained strong after childbirth, someone even said it would surely fall when the kid started smiling! So it's defied so many odds and I'm pretty proud of it. Of course I have frustations with it, like not being able to go out on the days I wash it, being left out of all the group activities of different hairdos, having trouble with my neck etc.And as I said I want to cut it short someday just to see myself differently but I'm sure that it'll grow back. It always has.

Faith Quotient

Right now all I want is to regain the faith in myself; faith that I will be able to do the small daily things that I set out to do in the morning, which mostly end up pending. It's important to me, as it is to P and the kids.

Workplace is gloomy. All one can do is pretend that things are as usual.

P has been coming home late for the past few days. Though when he's on time, his contribution towards chores seems hardly a fraction of what I do(it's a subject of constant debate in our house), when he's late it feels that I end up doing so much more and I feel exhausted. May be it's more about frustration; that he can afford to forget home when he needs to which I can never.

Aayi is complaining that Pappa is becoming very temperamental. She says he's becoming more and more like my grandmother. That is not a pleasant thought.

One of the favourite one-liners - only one line of tune/lyrics remaining in memory.

A Day Well Done

Felt like a festival after a long time. Tired.

Let there be Light!

Shivamogga Subbanna's rendition of this song had been my favourite in Primary days and when I heard that it was sung daily as a prayer in the High School I was going to, I was quite thrilled. And to top it, my gang was chosen to sing it for the whole school. But when we began practicing, it was a huge letdown; the tune was an entirely different one and even some words were unfamiliar. I remember singing it with a total sense of detachment all throughout those three years and now I realise that I can't even recall that tune.

Rajani is returning to US after a week's break and is as usual unhappy. There was a time I would've fretted over that unhappiness but now I suddenly realise that I just don't care anymore. I feel light.

Uneasy

How to shake off this feeling? That you couldn't do it any other way but it's still unfair? 

The Hidden Lives

My boss is frustrated. This silly nonsensical nothing-on-email policy has finally got to him. I know how it feels because he has been preaching it to me for some time now. We are just making ourselves a target for ridicule, that's all. Anyway, before finishing the call he still said, "Be very careful when you deal with these people!" and frustrated me. I can't! And though he used plural I know he meant J specifically because he's the one I'm 'dealing with' these days. I don't want to be careful of J and treat him like a thug. All he's doing is working hard to get new business for us and he needs help and I need work. And I don't mind going an extra mile for that.

Today I kept getting the error "The trust relationship between this workstation and the primary domain failed". Seemed pretty apt.

I sometimes feel abandoned by Netflix. It's like all they are interested in are teenagers and old-agers. I mean, people beyond 70. What about women my age? Too uninteresting? Actually no, they seem pretty busy solving crimes - Paranoid, Marcella, Broadchurch, Deadwind, Ultraviolet...

I liked Deadwind. 

School Days

We watched Sa.Hi.Pra.Shale...over the weekend. It's actually a joyride around the beautiful place with the language issue thrown in. I would've preferred to have some songs removed to add some meat to it and the characters of Anant Nag and Ramesh Bhat totally eliminated from the story. Why couldn't it be the village's story end-to-end? Children are cute and Anu, who had declared that she was coming with us only to eat popcorn was hooked throughout. 

Truth or Dare

At the kids' corner, ages between 6 and 8 -

Girl1 : Hey, you lied to Didi!
Girl2 : It's none of your problem. Anyway, lying is much better for us than telling the truth.
Girl1: But all mothers say lying is bad!
Girl2: I don't believe that. My friend liked this boy in her class and when she told her mother about it, her mother slapped her. Then when she lied about it, she said okay okay. You see?

Looking to Age

I love Kalki's new hairstyle and when I reach fifty I'm going to have mine like that. Actually I seem to have pinned a lot of hopes on fifty which is pretty far right now and I really can't say why I can't do some things today. I guess I'm expecting some magic to happen by then.

The thing is, a few years ago it was 45 and I don't know when I automatically shifted the goalpost to 50...

The Learning Curve

We have suddenly woken up to the fact that Anu needs to learn Maths too and it's not been very easy to convince her. She said she would be either a singer or an artist or a writer so she didn't need to learn Maths whatsoever. Then we told her about the money part and she grudgingly sat to do the divisions. But it's been a bumpy ride so far and at one point she got so annoyed that she shouted at us all in general, "I know nobody understands Maths, everybody just tries to explain it to others that's all!". P hasn't given up though, even at the cost of losing his 'favourite' position.

Just when I thought my work life had become dull and monotonous, the higher-ups have made it very eventful, too eventful to my liking. 

Mirrors

It's still surprising, though not entirely unexpected, how our prejudices, jealousies, hatreds towards a community can express themselves during a disaster. How we can immediately bring up a past unkindness of a person and make him or her the representative of the entire community to justify ourselves in saying, "Of course it had to happen", "These people..." and an excuse to do nothing of help. And it also makes you wonder what kind of representative you may have been for the many slots you may represent, when someone sits in judgement some day. 

Missed Hits

On whatsapp you can relay a lot of words but it's still difficult to send the thoughts across. My ex-boss who forwards me political cartoons or photos has never been able to understand my responses so far. In reply to my responses when he begins, "No, but the point is...", I can hear the hidden "Oh no, I have to make this lady understand the basics now..." and after that it feels sad to explain to him that I was being sarcastic. I give up. I'm going to stick to plain smileys now. 

The Straight-talker

Among all my co-sisters, S is the only one from a wealthy family. My father-in-law looked up to her father who was a self-made man and had five daughters and no son. So when her father wanted his second son who was getting slightly out of hand as the resident son-in-law, I suppose my father-in-law was relieved. My husband's impression of S as a child is that of a girl who was very well aware of the economic positions of both the families but then her husband was a good looking guy in his younger days, has retained a very good sense of humour and has the best temper among six brothers so I guess that worked in his favour. They seem to have been a very happy couple all these years too.

But what she has never been happy about is the family she got through her husband and she's never made any bones about it. The circumstances of her marriage seem to have given her a strong sense of detachment but she retained the feeling of entitlement nevertheless. My in-laws' place provided enough opportunities for a critic; the muddy approach road was and to some extent is, a terrible mess most times, the house itself had nightmarish facilities, if at all, especially so for anybody who believed in least amount of privacy. To boot, the firewood kitchen would spew ample smoke and if it rained, the hall and the rest of the house would be like two islands. S visited the place on occasions and she says she spent the first few years sitting on the steps of the door opening to the alley with tears in her eyes; from smoke or otherwise. But I've wondered often that she visited so many times at all; may be it was because she had running feuds with her sisters and parents both and she wanted to show them that she had someplace else to go to.

When I got married in 2003, things hadn't really changed except for the construction of a toilet and a better-designed bathroom. S visited my in-laws' place whenever I did and for me, who was struggling to find my feet there, she was support, a comfort and a relief. She gave expression to many of my frustrations, which I could never do myself because I thought it wasn't appropriate. S never seemed to have any such qualms; I remember her in the old house with a perpetual frown on her face, a picture of oddity sitting on a chair fanning herself furiously with a newspaper roll and when tired, requesting some child to do it for her, criticizing the men for being stingy in not having a generator. She was a marvel to me, a refreshing one; I had never seen anybody who was so outspoken, least of all a lady, a daughter-in-law. I was proud of her, of her ability to pinpoint the reasons for the current state of affairs and that she wouldn't even spare my father-in-law, who was and still is the holy cow of the household. And she did it all as if there was an invisible protective layer around her; a shield of sheer contempt emanating from her which kept other people from counter-attacking her often-sharp-and-harsh comments. My mother-in-law would mutter some defenses, my third co-sister would silently sulk and my brothers-in-law would laugh and move on.

But over the years, as I gelled more with the family, the novelty began to wear off for me. I began to realise that her brutal assessment was not always right and that she rarely acknowledged merit in anyone or anything that the family did. Yet, people tried hard to please her and it seemed nothing was good enough until she approved of it. We moved to a new house, facilities improved, new co-sisters joined us but S remained the same. May be I developed a thick skin or I could just see that people were earnest about bringing about changes, may not be overnight but very much visible to someone who wanted to see it, S lost me somewhere along the way. It seemed as if she had become a compulsive critic and she was afraid that if she said a good word they would appropriate her for good and she couldn't allow that. Anyway, I started contradicting her when I could, respectfully but firmly. Then a lot of things happened in the family and now she's strictly not on talking terms with them, putting me in a quandary. I call her up once in a few months but it's not easy for me. But I do feel sorry for her at times.

Razed

What seemed like would be there forever is done and dusted now and it's still unbelievable. So now there is this bigger club a little farther which is also much more expensive and that's where I'll be going to swim and play badminton some day, of course, surely.

Do we really root for the underdogs in real life? I mean, as much as we want them to do well in the movies and shed tears over their troubles...why do we do a u-turn or avert our eyes when we see them around us?

I had a fleeting glance at the Test match and before I winced and moved on, Anu caught a glimpse too. She wanted to know where the pom-pom girls were, having seen them in IPL before. May not be a bad idea when India plays in England because this Jimmy Anderson kind of entertainment gets on your nerves after a while.

The Odd One Out

I realise there are so many parasites in the workplace. People who would've spent years in the system but never want to invest their time in it either due to lack of aptitude or of energy. They instead take shortcuts, go to people who think they need to own up everything and get their work done. The worst part about them is that they give you a false or elevated sense of your own capabilities.

One of my peers is moving out. He was my punching bag for long; silent punching, that is. He took great pleasure in telling me that I joined the module before him, as if it was an excuse to do nothing. There are occasions I've felt frustrated with my boss on account of this guy and whenever I felt guilty about working from home, I thought of him and felt better. So there is now going to be an odd sense of loss.

Coping

The cake came out alright after all and Anu in fact likes it more than the oven one. But my mind is playing all sorts of tricks with me now. Like I want to make pizza and bread now, the things I've rarely made at home when the oven was working! How sadistic!

Eating the Humble Cake

The last thing you would wish even for your enemy is to set the cake batter only to see that the OTG has stopped heating. That too at 10:30 in the night when you are hopeful of turning in early. And you've never tried baking the cake in the cooker before, having dismissed the thing as only for people without an oven. And you don't know what you'll end up eating once it's all finally done. What I would give for a predictable life right now!

At it Again

I'm obsessed with British Crime serials. Marcella being the latest. Now it's done and what next?

Unwelcome

Yesterday's lesson, which I was too irritated to write about yesterday - when someone says 'thank you', don't reply 'mention not!' unless you know that that person understands what you mean. Otherwise, there is every chance that you'll spend your precious time explaining its meaning, feeling stupid, frustrated and depressed. And in the end, it will be you who'll say 'thank you' and the other person will say 'welcome', possibly not having understood what you meant at all.

But tell me, is it so bad as that? I mean, suppose, suppose that mention and not are really so difficult to be understood together but I thought this whole welcome thing came into vogue only some fifteen years or so and I'm talking about 30-35 year olds here! And quite a few of that kind too. Anyway, it discourages me a little from helping them next time because I hate saying welcome when they thank me. May be I'll leave a smiley or say ok or something.

Science test question : What happens if animals stop reproducing?
Anu : If animals stop reproducing, their popularity reduces.

Walks of Life

My first visit to Gandhi Bazaar and some more things...was it on expected lines? I can't say. A long walk and a soda, which was also a first in 25-30 years. I'm still not a fan of it, I figured. SA makes me feel inadequate in some ways, I guess especially in the way she seems to have got her priorities and life in general sorted out. I guess she overwhelms some of others too. I somehow still missed Cubbon Park. Like if we had a bench to sit on, M might have spoken more.

Rode the Metro at such a late hour for the first time too. It didn't really seem unsafe despite very low number of women. Nevertheless some butterflies.

Hungry now.

Hopeful

There has been a new lease of life to our team, in fact three lifelines, out of the blue. Yesterday I helped a guy set up his case and after three hours of hard work he thanked me and said his boss had told him the only hope to get it closed was to get me to help them. He said "I wish she was right about it, thanks a lot!". For a second I thought what the hell but then I could make out he was not English and I took it as "I know she was right" and made myself happy.

There are many around me who use 'hope' for 'guess/think' and it got me a while to get the actual meaning out of it.  Like in the below conversation, -

A-  "Do you know if C is in the office today?"
B - "I hope he has left for home just now"

Among the new generation of actors, I like Rajkumar Rao and Vicky Kaushal. The vulnerability that they bring to their characters is endearing and most welcome.

Notional Losses

The club's roofs are coming down and I realise I'm seeing the inside for the first time now. This 'tomorrow is another day' thing that has become my staple is so damn detrimental to today's potential while it serves up all excuses of tomorrow's possibilities...

Anu was humming a semi-prose poetry and I asked her where she had learnt it. It seems she wrote it herself and it's all about how growing up means giving up all pleasures of life. I don't think I'm being a good example.