Prized Possessions

A hand towel is really valued only in a coastal area. It feels like I'll melt away totally, drop by drop. 

For Cleaner Pastures

Nothing blots a scenery more than stray plastic. They are everywhere. Everywhere! But despite our coexistence for quite a while and despite its track record, we mercilessly throw it just where we please. I don't understand the continued apathy.

On Track

Reached home. I find it cooler than Bangalore this time, which is unexpected. Another journey to my father's place tomorrow. There are other local places on the itinerary but my mother's place is not among them. I'm unsure if I should bring it up. All I want is to see the dear place, show all my old haunts to the children and avoid meeting any of the relatives. The combination seems impossible at the moment. So I'll give it a miss this time too.

When I was small, we had two ways to reach it from my father's place, which is about 8 Km away. One involved boat ride on Sharavati and then walking a short distance through plantations. The other had 2-3 Km of walk on rocky terrain, baked by the summer sun. I obviously preferred the first one but my mother for some reason opted mostly for the second. It was really a test of character which I typically failed, despite a bribe of cookies or candies. I cursed every inch of that winding path. But once I grew up and I started going alone to my mother's place, the same route transformed itself into one of my favorites. I now love the very thought of taking that roller coaster of a walk.

Discounted Truths

If you watch the Police dramas on Netflix, you would feel very proud about how the women are the shining stars in the force. And there are so many of them. I don't know if I instinctively watch only those. But reality doesn't seem to corroborate with it. Even in best case countries, women's participation in the police force is low and I'm not sure if their work life is as smooth as the serials present it to be.

It always happens that when an expensive place is having a discount sale, I never go there. I get excited seeing the message but I don't know how, I never make it.

Guru is coming back! It feels like only yesterday that I wrote his farewell.

Knotty

Rishi and I plan so many journeys in a year. Many don't work out. We console ourselves with our annual journeys to both the native places. Our summer trip begins this Sunday and as the day nears, I'm consumed by a terrible lethargy. The house is in a mess, I leave behind loads of work in the workplace, P is not in a good frame of mind(we leave him behind), I'm tired both physically and mentally and I just want to stay put in Bangalore. Want to go nowhere. But I know once I drag myself out I'll make myself alright so I guess it's another two days of this phase.

But also, when was the last time I was truly upbeat about starting on a journey? Must've been long long ago, when I was single. I used to have an overnight train journey and then eight hours by bus to reach home but I remember how happy I used to be. 

Revelation

There it is, L is a supporter of Right Wing politics. All these years politics had never been a topic of discussion for us. May be fortunately so, I don't know. Even now it happened by accident, because she urged me to watch a movie. I told her I was not a RW supporter and she said, "Why? Why?" Her tone was petulant and it scared me a bit so I told her only the least of my worries. She calmed down but she wanted to know the affiliation of others in my family, including Rishi. After I told her, she concluded she was like my mother. I laughed and said my mother frustrated me. Then we moved on to other regular topics.

But seriously, if at all I make a mess of our friendship because of this damn thing, I'll just go crazy and join some ashram, that's all. I pray I don't get to see that day.

Rude Shock

It seems Razia's husband passed away last week. They had gone to meet their folks back home and right after they landed he had a heart failure. He must've just crossed forty. She has three young children. Things were looking up for them and this is a terrible loss. I hope she can return.

Losing Faith

Every time a bomb goes off somewhere, community leaders say religion doesn't preach violence and political leaders say we are united against hatred. But there are different kind of leaders out there who teach the youth the exact opposite and they seem to be good at what they are doing. How are we going to counter them? It's like we are all part of this never-ending giant musical chair game. One never knows whose turn will be next and there are no winners. But the music restarts anyway and we all start running in circles again.

Serial Offenders

I have some colleagues who first ping me that they want to talk about work. But when they call, they pounce on me with, "How are you, how are the children?" It's so annoying, puts me off instantly. I take a deep breath, tell them the children are fine and then I'm forced to reciprocate by asking about their children. The thing is, it doesn't matter; they'll talk about their children anyway. I have to wait for the next immediate pause to steer the conversation to what should've been, the work. I wish I could tell them that if they want to talk about the children in the workplace, they've got the wrong person. They can't take it for granted just because I'm a mother.

Seasonal Guests

We had a welcome spell of rain yesterday and today so many places are swarming with moths. If they were some sizes bigger, we would've had an apocalyptic situation.

Systemic Failure

Voted today. But there is certain feeling of disenchantment and hopelessness that refuses to go away.

Distant Places

Every time I visit South Bangalore, I feel like on a foreign tour. That place is so different from East and I alternate between wanting to live there sometime and wondering if I'll fit in. Unlike East, which is full of immigrants with somewhat clear class consciousness, South feels like a homogeneous place.

But I just can't imagine why there is hardly any good restaurant other than MTR in the 3 Km radius of Lalbagh. And today MTR was closed!

The Aftermath

Today has been worse. P has been with his laptop and phone the whole day, going through the whole series of events time and again with his friends. Any attempt to get him back to some sort of normalcy has not been successful. Food, sleep, TV, current affairs, water crisis at home...nothing. It was as if kids and I were just watching him remotely. Only thing that could distract him was some crisis at workplace. That always wins, of course.

I had a very silly kind of dream yesterday night. Dreams are troublesome sometimes.

Cheated

One of the days where you wish yesterday was just a nightmare. We got swindled by a bunch of crooks(Not sure if it's one guy or a team, actually) for a considerable sum. Just because we went along with some of our friends and missed many steps of diligence. Actually when the company in one's misery is a stranger, it's somewhat comforting. When the company happens to be friends, it's irritating; you feel somebody should've done something.

And I'm taking joint ownership of the failure but I know that P won't extend me the same kindness ever. I know it's the last thing to be thinking about right now but it hurts anyway.

Taste of My Own Experiment

Why does the bloody mind want me to take the toughest route to even the smallest happiness? The MTR ready mix is all I need if kids want to eat Gulab Jamuns but no, I must buy milk powder and maida and spend an hour to make the most awful Jamuns. What am I going to with 15 of those! Everybody at home is being very kind, making nice memes out of them too. P wants to eat them nevertheless and I don't know if I should be grateful or worried for his stomach.I can't eat my dinner today.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Do we have Netflixers Anonymous? I've relapsed, since last week.

I've got work, finally. I mean, loads of it. Just like I wanted, last year.

Shady Thoughts

We are a hot country but no so much of a hat country. I don't understand the aversion, really. Even when I wear one in summers and in places worthy of it, people look at me as if I'm leading a Civil Disobedience Movement!

Those Girls

I spoke to L yesterday. And as usual the conversation shifted to college and hostel and how we were. I think after all these years we are still in awe of those teenaged, carefree and reckless girls. And since we left that place, we haven't even been half of that and talking about those days just makes us hopeful that we can be that again someday. We want to be.

Among other things, L mentioned the time we slept on the roof of the hostel. I had somehow forgotten that. It was a tiled and sloping roof and I now remember it was some occasion; movie night or a festival or a meteor shower or something. We(there were a handful of us) went with our sheets and managed to sleep(how!) looking at the sky. But I just can't figure how we managed to climb onto the roof in the first place! I go over the building structure in my mind but I can't find a way up. I agree with L that we need to revisit the hostel. Without the men.

There was also this time we attended a wedding on a whim.SM and VG, both my classmates, were getting married in distant Sandur. I was home on leave from Mumbai and I mentioned about it to L who was in Bangalore then. She thought it would be fun to attend, she came to my place and off we went by bus. I remember passing through Agumbe in the late afternoon, chatting nonstop with L and feeling terribly excited just being on the journey(despite the aching bums), like a bunch of schoolgirls. Then I can recollect transporting ourselves to the wedding venue on a bullock cart on a very bad road. Their families weren't pleased about the wedding so there was hardly any fanfare.I was the official photographer. It's a pity I have no photos of that day with me. It seems a little insensitive now; I don't think I really cared about the wedding. All I knew was that L and I were going on this joyride.

Sleep Terrorism

I sincerely wish people who wake up at the drop of a hat didn't sleep in the afternoons. They don't understand the terror they generate in others who are awake and who feel like being active.

Sweet for Yugadi yesterday was Hayagreeva, one of the simplest dishes one can ever make(Definitely not the reason I chose to make it). Reminds me of Girish Karnad's Hayavadana everytime.

New Year Again!

V's birthday today. I went alone to meet her. I returned and was talking to my mother who had forgotten to wish her. Anu suddenly started sobbing. I asked her why. She said,"Oh, I had forgotten it was Chikkamma's birthday! I would've come with you to her house!" Then she called her Chikkamma and repeated it and they had some lengthy conversation and Anu seems to be feeling better now.

Anu is all sentimental these days. I mean, she wasn't until last year. Now she wants to talk to her Ajji everyday, she uses the quilt my mother made because it reminds her of Ajji. In the past she's been ruthless about giving away her old dresses but recently I asked her about the silk dress my mother had stitched for her and she pouted her and said, "Let it be, I want it". She's growing really tall and I said it wouldn't fit. She said no, she couldn't part with it because it was Ajji's gift for her.

I bought a dress for V from Bandhej. I've always wanted to buy one but had never dared till now. But it was so much easier to buy one for V; I didn't even look at the price tag and it just felt so good!

Feeling the Heat

The heat is stifling. I can't think straight without the fan on. And if I happen to come across things like "Bangalore has a pleasant summer", the body heats up by a few notches.

MN and NS have both resigned and will be gone by May 1st week. I've had both of them with me for what seems like an eternity and to say that I'll miss them badly also seems hackneyed and inadequate. The truth is that I've been expecting it for more than a year now. 

Remains of the Day

Back when I had just started in the industry, a senior colleague of mine had once told me that I should've been a model and that I was in the wrong profession. Some of us had gone on a trek and I was happily jumping from the rocks and showing off my climbing skills when he had said it, quite out of the blue. I was taken aback and didn't know how to respond. I wasn't sure how to take it; did he mean I wasn't doing my job well or was he complimenting me on my looks, which I considered nothing? The suggestion had annoyed me for some days.

These days, when I have trouble answering the question of what I'm doing, I look back and wonder if I should've chosen another profession. At any point in these years. But I've never been seriously talented at anything and all my dreams have been more like fantasies; coconut farming, becoming a detective or joining a theatre group and touring places...I've never even taken a step in their direction. May be the only consolation is that I can't regret anything.

Feeling Foolish

It was a couple of years ago, when I used to go walking to work. I was a little earlier than usual and I saw a guy walking in front of me, with a vegetable bag in each hand. He looked my father's age and I was in the mood to be useful. So I said hello, I'm going in the same direction, I can carry one of your bags for as much distance as I can. He initially said no, he didn't want to trouble me but when I said it was nothing, handed me one of the bags quite happily. We walked on, I found that he had retired the previous year from HAL after almost 40 years of service, told him about my academic background and my work etc. He was proud of his work and he was sorry for the entire IT crowd(PSU guys always are.).He was comparing the two sectors when a scooter stopped in front of us. There were a young man and woman on it and they addressed my companion loudly. I guess the guy was his son.The conversation was in MalayaLam and I felt like an invisible person but I could figure from the tone and the brows that they were displeased with something. My companion looked embarrassed, told me he would manage from there and took the bag from me without meeting my eye. I walked on, feeling confused and also a little sorry for the old man.

I felt stupid for some time that I may have put him in trouble but by the time I reached office, I was damn angry. There was only one way to get it off my chest - I poured it out in front of Rajani.Today somehow felt foolish again and I missed her.