Boston Dynamics' robots dancing to Do You Love Me was the best thing to have happened today. 

The Cookie Crumbles

And the spell is broken. I broke it with my very own fingers and it's back to that familiar feeling of wanting to undo it. But hey, I don't think I could've done any other way. This is what I am and I can take it or leave it. 

Silence After the Storm

What does one do after an evening of surreal encounter(virtual)? I have no idea and I'm afraid that anything I say now may break the spell. 

The Winter Sun

Beautiful weather in Bangalore today. Soaking in the sun with a chilly breeze engulfing you makes you all dreamy. It's been the return of old winter to Bangalore after long. 

Piling Up

KK has joined that dreaded list. Passed away. Heart attack. He was 59. It's becoming a pattern. I again have this urge to tell all my 50-something friends to take care of themselves. And I've begun to get annoyed when people say "May his/her soul rest in peace". 

Atonement

I'm suddenly cured of Netflix addiction. I can't fathom the reason and I wish I could get rid of my other obsession too just as easily. 

Watched Atonement today and feeling afflicted with an unknown emotion. I'm being chided by one and all for moving around in this mood and may be just as well. One kind word or inquiry and I'm sure to burst out crying. Damn. 

Wishing the Missing

All and sundry wished someone a happy birthday on WhatsApp yesterday only for someone to realize today that he wasn't in the group at all! 

Being Missed

It's an unbelievably weird feeling when I see MK's name in mails and am reminded that he's no more in the organisation. He seems to be enjoying his life right now but I know he's missing this place terribly too.

Surrounded

Suddenly so many of my acquaintances and friends have contracted the virus. Many of them with routines not too different from ours. It now feels like a matter of time. 

Invaded

The gloomy weather has suddenly turned glorious and now it's raining butterflies in my area. Mostly Blue Tigers. 

On My Own

My first Ganesha Chaturthi without parents and sister in many many years. But we celebrated with whatever fanfare possible. Rishi is happy, which is no small feat these days! 

Questionable

It feels like I live to ask questions and to wait for the answers. 

It's annoying when life's way of making you forget your grouse is simply giving you a bigger problem. 

Dilemmas

When someone sends me a message, I wish I could say "hey, I was thinking of you just now!", without a second thought. But instead the mind starts wondering if it's appropriate, if it'll be taken wrongly, if it'll spoil whatever that is. Maybe someday. 

Good Bad Times

Going to my grandmother's place was always something I looked forward to but going there during Navaratri holidays was something more special. I got to visit most of my not-so-near relatives in those nine days. Every afternoon I would accompany one of my older cousins or aunt G for lunch in one of the houses in the radius of two kms. The charm would wear off beyond four days but even if I managed to defy my mother, it was difficult to resist my aunt's bidding. So I ended up going, hoping that there would be some book or magazine to kill time while my aunt talked a year's worth with those genial relatives. 

One of the houses I typically went to was Renukakka's house. They were distant relatives but Renukakka was my cousin Radhakka's childhood friend. Ever-smiling and chatty, she was my favorite those days, though I hardly knew what to talk to her, who was a good ten years older. I remember that she had some older brothers too, who were equally charming. 

Then last week, my father forwarded me an article from the local newspaper. It mentioned a man whose name I didn't recognize, who was struggling to support his aged mother and his disabled 25-year old son. His wife had passed away and he wanted to hire a nurse to care for his son and was looking for financial support from the readers. I asked Pappa who it was and he said it was one of Renukakka's brothers. I read the article again but it was very difficult to digest that the helpless man in it was going to replace the cheerful memory I was carrying for so long. 

Near, Far...

This season is making my office, my hometown, Yellowstone National Park and space seem equidistant. 

 A terrible terrible mess of a day. 'How not to spoil something' kind of a day but it's too late now. 

Disappointed

 It's not fair that a movie on Shakuntala Devi doesn't have a single dialogue in Kannada. I can't imagine this happening if her language was something else. 

Midnight Madness

God should save me. God knows from what.

On the other hand, I wonder what an atheist would've said, if he was as excited and worried as I am now. 

Some things in life are like Dravid's stint at the crease. You eagerly look forward to it. But it's so difficult to see it ending that you sometimes wonder in your desperation if it shouldn't have started at all. The wait seems much better. 

Shining a Light

I go cribbing about my life's shortcomings and the next day the sun hides behind a thick blanket of clouds the whole day making me crave for nothing else.

Insecure

Two of our security guards have left for Nepal. Our contractor says he's had to let go more than hundred Nepalese men, who've returned to homeland because of the virus scare. I hope it's nothing to do with our recent troubles with Nepal. 

It occurred to me today that I hardly know any 50-plus people. I know 40-pluses and 60-pluses but not in between. So now that I've begun conversing with one, I wonder what the ideal topics are. But I know the other person can't carry it off for long so maybe I shouldn't worry so much. 

Our daily infection numbers are really numbing. 

Sunny Voices

You have a terrible day with your head splitting at the end of it and all you want is to sleep and then suddenly someone drops you a message and the headache vanishes and you feel as fresh as a newborn. If only people knew! 

Casting the Hope

Yesterday I called up my grandaunt who lives in another corner of Bangalore. She is 80+ and lives all alone. She said her routine was more or less unaffected but she couldn't visit anyone outside her street. In the course of our conversation she said someone mentioned to her that thanks to our food habits, Havyakas were largely untouched by the virus. In fact, she didn't know any Havyaka who had contracted it. Now, many among her kith and kin, including her daughter, granddaughter and myself, are married outside the community. I wanted to tease her about the fate of our spouses and children but decided against it. 

I just want to start seeing the face of seven a.m. again. It hasn't happened in a while. To break the damn cycle. I'm desperate now. 

Quarantined Tunes

Yesterday Anu challenged me to spend a day without singing and today is proving to be a very tough day. A hundred times today I've let out a song only to gulp it down immediately. So now these unvoiced words are crowding inside my head. Rishi says I should sing nonstop tomorrow. 

"Ani, what did you learn in Science today?" "That cigarettes have butts too!"

Footloose Days

My father's place near Honavar has many cashew trees around it. One of them was my childhood favourite because it had horizontal branches, which was ideal to sit and play the bus game. I would alternately be a passenger and the conductor, enjoying the juicy cashew fruit, if I spotted one. And we would hunt for the fallen cashew seeds among the dry leaves and promptly roast them among embers in the evening. Oh, the taste of smoky cashews is something! 

Maybe the other reason for that tree to be special was that it signalled the beginning of the end of my long journey from home to grandmother's. At the foot of the sprawling tree was the gravelly slope and if you let yourself loose, you would land at my grandmother's gate. My summer officially began that way. 

So I had taken the tree for granted until one summer I was told that it was out of bounds. I must've been around nine. I didn't understand. The tree was very much there! Then I came to know that it was never ours. It was public property and that year, local officials had made it clear to everyone that they were the owners of it. So I was not to pluck any fruit and if I found any seeds, I was to let them be unless I wanted to be carried away by the official stooges. Of course I didn't. 

The fear lasted only for a few days. Because the same cousins who told me scary stories about the stooges also told me they weren't around all the time, especially in the noon. So I lied to my grandma and followed the boys to the tree one afternoon, albeit with some misgivings. I looked as far as I could and there was nobody there. So things went back to normal for me and I was soon busy chatting and sifting through the leaves. The dry leaves drown out all other noise but something made me look up after a while. And there was this guy, walking stealthily towards me, just a couple of feet away. He stretched his hand when I saw him and my limbs froze. Then the instincts took over and I screamed and ran for my life. Of course the slope saved me but I don't think I've ever run faster. I saw that man's gleeful look in my nightmares for some time. 

The tree is still there but it wasn't the same anymore. When I look at it now, I only wonder what would've been had that man caught me. Would he have beaten me more or my parents? 

The Woman with a P(l)an

P is sometimes concerned about how hectic my worklife is becoming; calls from morning to night(I hate it!) mostly. He wonders if it's really worth it, considering that I end up neglecting my family. 

Incidentally, such concerns mostly surface on the days I'm not able to make tea for him in the morning or evening. 

Learning languages is fun. Now all I want is to go to those countries and speak them. 

Bad Lessons

If I'm tired of worrying about Corona and want to find something worse, my children's online classes are very useful. Just a look at the comments these children post for everyone to see is enough to trouble you. Corona will possibly go away someday but what about this insensitivity and insolence? While teenagers' comments range from dirty, flirtatious to insulting, the ten year-olds are only a few steps behind. But what's also worrisome is teachers' helplessness to take charge of the situation. One teacher literally begged them to stop saying she was getting nightmares. Why shouldn't there be penalty for such bad behaviour? 

In Anu's class, after reading many comments from her classmates on the games they were playing, Anu asked them to stop it and listen to what the teacher was saying. I asked her if she would've done the same in a classroom. She thought and said probably not; she might not have had the courage to take on so many. 

Reduced Visibility

I watched Deadwind Season 2 in the first two days. There is some talk of Season 3, where I wonder if they'll introduce Sofia's unknown father. Anyway, that's all next year and I find it difficult to be enthused about it. These days anything beyond two weeks is looking too far and uncertain. But I still try to cheer myself up thinking about all those beautiful places that I want to visit. Those seem farther too. 

By the End of the Day

Thank God, Rishi's results didn't throw any tantrums. And he took the minor disappointment of not standing first in his school(he missed by one mark) in his stride. So that's done. 

The first case of COVID-19 in our apartments today. Cases in Bangalore hitting the roof, hoping that this indeed is the roof. 

Resultants

Rishi's exam results will be out tomorrow. He's expecting some disappointments and is dreading the sympathies of many that will follow. I remember mine all too well. 

The Door(Doa) Way

I was surprised to find that the Japanese call the door 'doa', which seemed borrowed from English. I mean, they would surely have had a native word for a door? I explored and found an interesting answer, which said the Japanese had sliding doors before and indeed have a word for it. And doa is used for the hinged doors of today. 

The Distanced

There are a few infections around my grandmother's place but my kith and kin aren't much worried. Because the ones infected belong to Scheduled Castes and are as such socially distanced, in the highest way possible. "Imagine how worrisome it would've been if they were Brahmins!", someone said. Really. 

(H)owling

No matter how hard I try I can't hit the bed before 1:30 in the night. Work is just too too much. People want to have a Zoom call at 10 p.m.(which I ignore). I don't seem to be able to break this loop. There is this friend of mine, H, who says she sleeps by 9 and wakes up at 4 and runs four km every morning. She lives just 5 kms away from me but her schedule is as good as in a different timezone! 

Overheard

Anu : "Ajja, I know you are much older than me but can you be a little like me this year? Look at me, I haven't gone out of the house since March because it's risky. Aayi had cough and fever some days ago. If it was Coronavirus, I may have also got it without showing symptoms. But I still won't go out. Both you and I are high-risk people. Promise me that you'll wear a mask whenever you go out and you'll not shake hands with anyone. And tell Ajji that I won't listen to a single thing she says if she doesn't listen to me!"

My grandfather's shradhdha, which is on 25th of July, is making us all concerned now. 

My crime series are increasingly resembling fantasy stories. The kind of complex characters - first criminals and now the detectives themselves - that they have is now bordering another realm. Do such people really exist? 

For Old Times' Sake!

I sometimes sit through tacky movies just because they remind me of my childhood.

A Long Haul

Thanks to our continued abysmal testing numbers, the peak is still invisible. And people on the roads have become daredevils making it difficult for others to venture out. It seems like IT industry will be run out of homes for the foreseeable future.

When two people discuss my 'child-like innocence' (I have no idea why that should be a topic in the first place) , I wish they could be considerate enough not to tell me about it. I don't know, they think they are being nice to me by letting me know but it's very awkward, when they are my colleagues. 

To want, or not to want, that is the question. 

Sweet Somethings

Deadwind Season 2 coming on July 1st is one of the sweetest things I've had in some time. The other thing is Mundappa mangoes, of course. Biting into these fleshy sweet mangoes, one at least momentarily feels that the world can't be so bad, after all. 

I wonder how many of the old faces I will see when all this is over. I mean, like the girls and boys at MK Retail's counter or that lady with a hearty smile at the library, the welcoming faces at Cakewalk, my tailor, the lady who buys my old newspapers, our ironing folks, the men and women at Marriott... I hope I get to see them all again... 

Closing a Passage

MK's farewell today. A mammoth Zoom farewell  from people mostly from Mumbai, the people associated with him in the present and the past. Everyone seems overwhelmed by the sheer number of people. As I listen to the endless anecdotes, stories and praises, I first feel envious and then a little peevish. Mumbaikars were always his darlings and he theirs. What business is it of mine to wonder what he's thinking right now or what he'll do from tomorrow? I've never met him in my life, I have not even one story to tell and suddenly I seem like a gate-crasher. I begin to drift and as if he's reading my mind, MK brings up our project. Of all the projects he's been associated with in his 33 years of career, he singles out ours as the highlight and without naming anyone, heaps praises on us. The Bangalore fangirl goes teary-eyed all over again. 

I braved his warningish message that he was not a social person and wrote some long sentences on WhatsApp. I've never done this before and after a point, it looked very strange and I stopped. No more messages now. He told us his life would be agony tomorrow onwards because he wouldn't know what else to do. Since he means what he says, I hope that doesn't happen and he finds something else to busy himself with soon. 

Stories Revisited

Anu is all for stories these days. So we've been telling her childhood stories of our own, her brother's and her own. She remembers that she wanted to become a biscuit when she grew up and she thinks that was damn silly of her. 

Anu is pretty convinced that my mother gave me none of her creative genes and instead directly passed them on to her. If I didn't know at least some bit of sewing, she would've considered me a totally wasted generation. Anyway, I was telling her of the times my mother worked as a tailor's assistant. In those few years of my early teenage, my mother tried her hand at many occupations, like stitching of school uniforms, working at a tailoring shop and finally settling in a printing press. And I don't remember feeling happy about it or being helpful to her willingly. Anu was excited hearing about her Ajji's exploits, though. "Wow Aayi, Ajji had such an adventurous life! I feel so envious of her! I hope I can do so many things when I grow up!"... She went on like that and made me all the more ashamed. 

The Newspaper Normal

Holding The Hindu in my hands after what seems like a decade. 

I wish 'I don't feel like working today' could become a viable reason for a leave. Last Friday, I was still depressed about MK so I wanted to take off. I guess I could've been honest with RR but there's always a chance that he would call and try to cheer me up. I was in no mood for that so I told him I was sick; I had a headache and body aches. But I have to be careful when I lie like this because most often my body immediately conjures up these illnesses. And true to form, I got a headache, severe body aches and a fever as bonus. On my birthday. This just isn't fair. 

Down

Now I have fever. Headache, chills, fever. Damn. 

Back to Binge

I was very happy that Netflix had nothing more to offer to me and was looking forward to the continuation of this sanity when MK's mail came. I have returned to binging in the last two nights as if there is no morning. He's killed my appetite for work. All kinds of work. It's not like what he's written is something new. P and I and in fact RR and I talk this so regularly, making us feel all the more like a bunch of idiots maybe, but coming from MK and the words he's used... It's like finally I've run out of excuses. And we've got a king for the club of idiots. 

Body Blow

MK is leaving. This time for real. He wrote a farewell mail to some of us in advance and it's heart-wrenching. I want to say so much but I really don't know how to reply on that mail. In short, it feels like there's no hope anymore. Without giving a sermon - he hated long calls - he had taught us so much that whenever I saw something to the contrary in subsequent years, I always complained to him mentally and imagined how indignant he would've been. It's confirmed now, this place doesn't value the right people. 

When he left exactly three years ago, AG had put me in a similar situation, though I was not this aggrieved. I had gone to meet him and he had spoken entirely on personal matters, as if we were old friends. Of course it was as one-sided as ever and I was silenced more by this new-found kinship. He'd talked about so many things - like how he and his wife were struggling in their newly married life, what with having a baby so early, no support system, health problems of his in-laws, South Kanara, Surathkal(he's 6 years my senior in college), how his peers in the company were doing better than him and he always felt a little left out and undervalued, his salary compared to others, wanting to try new things before it was too late....at one point I felt sorry that he had to unburden himself in front of a stranger. Maybe it was easier. And he'd ended the conversation with many advices to me. What I should be doing in the near future. Now I know that he was right. 

A Shade of Blue

College photos being unearthed and dried in the WhatsApp group. It's difficult not to get sucked into the mayhem of memories. One of the photos is of our graduation ceremony. All girls are wearing silk sarees, as was the rule, and I'm wearing Aayi's blue saree with the red border. It was a gift from her brother on the occasion of his son's Munji more than a decade earlier. And it was the only good saree Aayi had those days. So the red border had faded in places and it was hard to conceal. For some time inside the hostel I felt I was the poorest around. But the feeling wasn't novel so it didn't bother me for long. The only thing that mattered that day was that Mr. MF, our HoD, who had been a terror all along, was putting the graduation ring on my finger. I have the photo of a smiling MF. 

Anyway, less than a year later, I went all by myself to Mangalore and bought two sarees for my mother with my own money. One of them a silk saree, copper coloured. My mother wore it with a lot of fanfare for some years, before it became a habit for anybody and everybody to give her a silk saree as gift. 

A Slip of the Tongue

I think the word Haircut is wronly placed in the financial lexicon. Whatever it intends to convey needed a stronger word, actually. 

Checking a Box

I gave P a haircut! With scissors. My first. The front came out very neat but the back of his head looks like a model of step farming. Anyway, I got away with it and now the more I look at it, the prouder I feel about my creation. Like I am ready to give a haircut to the world. 

It's as if V suddenly stumbled on a box of old memories. These days she starts the calls with, "Hey, do you remember... " and before we know it, both of us are laughing even before a sentence begins. Yesterday we were reminiscing about the times we were talking gibberish. We used to have a gibberish conversation! We agreed that if it was a little structured, we could have it on Duolingo. 

What would we be laughing about ten years down the line? 

Lying in Wait

I've never felt frustrated about the idiom "Guduguva moda suriyuvudilla"(Thundering clouds seldom rain) before. I want rain! 

A Tall Order

I've had enough of people sighting Himalayas from anywhere and everywhere in this Corona season. Now I want to see Suratkal beach from Bangalore. That's it. 

The New Normal

In Bangalore, migrants are blamed for a host of problems like lack of civic sense, population, changing demographics, lowering the standards of living, increasing crime rates etc. Now that many have gone home and there is no picture of their return plans, I wonder if we'll begin wooing them officially. Small shops around are feeling their absence already. 

I must clarify here that I'm using the term migrant somewhat freely here to mean the North and East Indian labourers. Because to be precise, I'm a migrant myself and so are thousands more, who have stayed put in Bangalore during this crisis, who've not had to worry about livelihood even a day in the last two months. There are also migrant labourers from other parts of Karnataka. But yet, I find that in everyone's mind there is a clear distinction. 

The Curious Case of SJ

One week into the new WhatsApp group and it seems some things haven't changed, in all these years. 

Among these 27 women, there are about 5-6 who had a lot of fun as a group in the college days. This group includes Pal, my then-roommate. One of them, SJ, s out of the network now. Whenever her name comes up, the standard remarks are, "Nobody knows where she is" or "SJ has just vanished from the face of the earth!". It was surprising for a popular person like SJ to go missing like that so I looked for her on LinkedIn. And there was her profile,  matching in name and our college. But it also said that after her MS in US, she went on to do Islamic Studies and she seems to be now teaching that too. I told Pal that she was on LinkedIn but she didn't seem very surprised or excited. So now I wonder which one of them happened - her old friends got spooked by what they saw in her profile or they tried but she didn't want to get back in touch. 

Small Mercies

I'm elated today. I finally know how to make Sambaar without using coconut. In my defense, nobody in my family or family neighborhood makes it without coconut. So it was much later in my life that I realized Sambaar powder existed for a reason. I had tried it once before but since it turned out like a distant relative of both daal and sambaar, I couldn't repeat the attempt. So when most of my contemporaries made the express version, I spent time roasting the masala ingredients, grating the coconut and grinding the mix. Of course I consider the latter superior any day and will not give up on that but today's success makes me feel empowered in a way. 

So MK asked me what I was watching over the weekend and I said Paatal Lok. She asked me if it was a mythological series. Now that I call innocence. 

Jumbled Up

I brought up the Jaggi incident in the new Whatsapp group on Saturday and have been sort of regretting it since. Reactions poured in till yesterday night and of course everybody found it funny. But the side-effect is that most are considering it my innocence while obviously it was ignorance. Somebody said it was so me and another even went on to say I continue to be innocent. That's a stretch, really and I was embarrassed. And totally baffled; what is this innocence of mine? Makes me feel like an impostor. 

There seems to be a fundamental difference in the way Americans and Indians hold a pen to write. Initially I thought it was a one-off thing but no, it seems to be a generic thing.

Heroes and Villains

Jaideep Ahlawat has a new admirer in me. I've liked him in previous smaller roles too but Paatal Lok of course belongs to him. How does someone like him sustain or better this kind of new success? Will he be able to? 

Watching series like Paatal Lok is hard. The reality of it seems very absurd at times but you know in your heart that it must be true. And it makes you uncomfortable that this semi-fantasy-reality world is not too far away. 

But this every-smalltown-killer-is-a-victim-of-his-circumstances is becoming a cliche for me. I mean, it seems that they only want to make me sympathise with this victim while not offering any hope of change in circumstances. "Oh, that's how these hinterlands are, you know!"

Restored Connections

WhatsApp is working overtime on my phone since last morning. Our Engineering batch girls have formed a group finally. 22 girls out of the total 27 so far, five still at large. As someone said, it feels like we are in a hostel quarantine. The usual suspects are talking nonstop and others are struggling to catch up with it. I called L yesterday and we talked more about the missing people. Anyway, there is a Zoom meeting later today. Gosh, I can hear the chatter and laughter already! 

Burning

Bangalore is super hot. It used to be windy but now hardly a leaf moves in the trees. We haven't even had a good spell of rain for so long. 

Once we were in my in-laws' place in the summer. Temperatures of the season are 40+ there and we were staying in the old house those days. It had only two small windows, both in the hall, which was used by the men. The women slept in the Gods' room, filling that small space. No fan there, of course. Parvati Akka, my third co-sister, was the one who managed that household and it typically took her a minute to sleep off, rain or shine. Me? My grandmother's place wasn't different those days so I could condition my mind to go to sleep after a while. But Saru Didi, my second co-sister, was the hardest hit. She came there only when we visited and she could never get used to it. So that day she tossed and turned for a while, cursing both the external and internal factors which drove her sleep away. Then she had an idea. She said we could sleep in the empty fields, it was a beautiful moonlit night too. It sounded nice to me. So we woke Parvati Akka up who was reluctant, also her husband and mine. Charpais were in abundance so we took one each and put them in the field. The night was indeed beautiful and Parvati Akka went back to her sleep. Others got to talking, enjoying the breeze, ready to doze off but that was not to be. We had not factored in the mosquitoes, which were having a field day(night). We tried hard to ignore them but they were just too many. We finally acknowledged that sleep was impossible and trudged back home, leaving the charpais behind. But not before Parvati Akka had given us an earful. 

Lost Connection

It seems Seetakka passed away. Blood cancer. Pappa said he had visited Maama, Atte and her about an year ago and he wasn't aware of it then. Later he had heard rumors but anyway, he hadn't told me anything. She was 44. I look at her photo in the news report and she looks the same, like she was decades ago. Her father was a close friend to Pappa those days and our families mingled very regularly. I must have vague memories of them even as a baby. But the most solid one is when I was fourteen, when I stayed at their place for 2-3 weeks, without my parents. The only place I've stayed in for that long, apart from my grandparents'. Actually it did remind me of my grandmother's by its remoteness. They had bought a piece of land near the Kerala border and built a house there. There weren't even petty shops in the vicinity and if you went to town, you had to walk a mile to catch the bus. 

But I enjoyed the solitude of that barren land. That is, when Seetakka left me alone. That house is so clearly etched in my memory. They hadn't maintained the surroundings at all so it was some coconut trees in a grassy land, just beyond the front yard. We roamed there in the mornings.We went walking along the dusty roads in the evening and she was a non-stop talker and I, the listener. She was older than me, was very proud of her writer father and it was quite obvious that she would enter the literary world soon. She was the only child and maybe I was a welcome ear; she told me all sorts of things. From classmates to monetary troubles at home. She suggested books that I could read from her father's vast collection.She even romanticized periods. I was struggling with the cloth pads and hated the routine so her words put the whole thing in a new light. I think we even exchanged some letters later. I now wonder why we didn't go on to build on the bond we developed that summer. I can blame it on the fact that Pappa fell out with Maama a couple of years after that but there was something else too. I can't put my finger on it though. 

Today my thoughts are more with Atte. She was always a strong lady and I hope she continues to find strength. 

Adapting

I used to have many after-Corona-goes-away-I-want-tos in the month of April. Now they've mostly become I-need-tos. I don't know what June will bring. 

Criminal Mind

After watching two Korean Police Procedural series, I've decided to add Korean to my Duolingo learning list. So I now have Spanish, Italian, French, Dutch, Russian, Irish, Portuguese, Japanese, Danish and Korean. I'm still in the stage of feeling thrilled when I understand a couple of words in an episode but it's been nice.

And yes, I've decided to study Criminal Psychology. I should've done it earlier. Anyway.

How about this one as Corona song too? Sarcastic, of course.

Future Tense

I look at my clothes unused for so many months now and it feels like by the time all this ends, I would be shrunk and wouldn't fit into those clothes anymore.

I spoke to Razia today. She's upset that most of the ladies whom she used to help for 2 to 3 hours in a day, haven't called her even once. She said it felt bitter. She also said she'd never had such idle time in her entire life and she was sick and tired of it.

The majority in our building have decided not to have any househelp for another three months. Three months! We were the losing minority.

It feels like a Corona song now. 🙄

And Then There Were...

And there goes Nissar Ahmed, the poet who gave me some of my favorite songs of childhood. But then I discovered much later that he had also written "Nimmodaniddoo Nimmantagade" and it made me feel very guilty that I had not thought of that possibility. That he should've gone through it while I was rejoicing with Nityotsava. 

Missed Lessons

Anu had her keyboard lesson on Zoom over the weekend. The parting line from her teacher was, "Ananya, it's obvious that you didn't touch your keyboard in the last month. You need to practice more now! ". Anu pouted and said Yes Ma'am. She's upset with Zoom now.

One of P's friends was proposing a new theory for India's unexpectedly low Covid-19 numbers. He said it was because of the predominantly vegetarian population(which is a big myth). P asked him about the disparity in numbers of meat-eating Kerala and vegetarian GujaratGujarat or Rajasthan. The guy says it's because Kerala is fudging its numbers! Some people never learn. And this guy is a professor of Science in a reputed institute. 

Lost in Translation

I should get a job as English subtitle provider for Kannada movies. P needs them sometimes but they are so bad that they kill a scene often. 

Mango Republic

Anu : Aayi, what are you buying on Amazon?
Me   : Groceries.
Anu : Can you buy some mangoes for me? You know I haven't eaten them this year at all.
Me   : Amazon doesn't seem to have them.
Anu : Why not!
Me  : They're selling only essentials in the lockdown time.
Anu : Mangoes are essential!
Me  : Of course they are not essential, you can live without them!
Anu : But they make me happy so isn't that essential for living? How can one just live without being happy?

If only I could also get some of those happiness mangoes!

Voices from the Dark

It rained heavily in the early hours today and the sky produced the worst thunder sound I'd ever heard. It woke Anu up and she said, "Aayi, I had a bad dream. Someone shouted loudly in my ear!"

I don't know how to pay tribute to Irrfan Khan. The man who gave me so many joys, subtle like his acting. Tears seem too inadequate. It's a killing feeling, as if someone slashed my life expectancy and expectations, just like that.

I have this urge now to meet other people that I admire and request them to somehow live longer. 

Business as Usual

I was thinking these lockdown days must be one of the most leisurely times my mother has ever had. Otherwise she would've been busy slogging in her daughter's or in-laws' place in this season. I must ask her. I haven't had a decent conversation with her in ages, actually. I'm terribly busy till at least seven in the evening and after that she is. With Ramayana and Mahabharata. She's thrilled that she got a chance to watch them, which she couldn't when they were aired originally. Her grandchildren aren't able to watch it too is her only grouse. We discontinued our cable connection last year. Anyway, the kids aren't really upset about it. I don't know if they would've enjoyed it much. Especially Anu would've balked at Ramayana that it's a love story.

Another fifteen days to go for this project to finish. I'm desperate to see its back. For the last one and a half years, it's felt never-ending. I actually wanted to take the team out for a lunch once it got over but doesn't seem likely now. 

Day32

I ordered vegetables online for the first time ever. Doesn't feel right somehow. 

Night31

For whatever reason, crows have made a big comeback in my area. I heard them crow after ages.

There's a partial relaxation of the lockdown and I hear that there are disproportionate number of people on the streets. People like us, who can stay at home for months together without serious concern, are aghast, angry. 

Battered

A nightmarish day. In fact, I don't remember the last time my nightmare was this bad. Tomorrow is going to be worse.

I try to accommodate too many things. Too many people also. 

Night29

Bangalore didn't have a case for two days and Rishi was elated that we were doing something right. Today there were two cases again and he's sulking. But with so many of our cases being asymptomatic, how are we ever going to feel confident about the numbers? 

Anu seems to be growing taller by the hour. Soon I'll be the shortest in the family. 

Day29

I'm missing the summer hues. Bangalore is so decked up in these months. Lalbagh, Cubbon Park and even Bagmane must be bursting with vibrant colours...

Say they lift the lockdown on May 3rd and say we can go back to our offices, how many of us will do that? And how many more months will it take for me to jostle in the Metro crowds or the supermarket queues or the waiting line at school and not get worried? And when will cough stop feeling like a  terrible disease?

Night28

Day26

The daily numbers of Coronavirus deaths from all over the world are mind-numbing. As if a whole generation is getting wiped out.

"I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else"

Day25

Bangalore is seeing a surge in cases. I doubt if our offices will open from 20th. I'm longing to see faces. Anybody's. In person.

I don't know why I should be bent upon being happy in this situation. I want at least a part of me to remain coiled, angry, upset, suffocated so that when this thing ends I don't go back to being the same old person.I really don't care if people are seeing Himalayas from Jalandhar but when we go back to being smog-filled cities, I want to live my life differently, at least a little.

I spoke to my grandmother. She's of course upset that the wedding is indefinitely postponed and also worried for her grandchildren who are in different cities across the world. Her wish now is that we all(all her children and grandchildren with family) visit the family deity together when this is all over. I don't think any virus can do that much. 

By the End of the Day

RR wrote to me yesterday. He writes to me about twice or thrice a year now, when he wants some doubts w.r.t. his work clarified. And like every time, he tells me that upfront, as if he's warning me. As if. Anyway it was a silly doubt and I was a little upset with him that he was asking me such basic things, after all that work he'd done in the past. But then it was also nice to engage in such discussions because these days in our place it's only about tech. Functional aspect of the product has taken such a backseat that I feel rusted. I miss the daily discussions and arguments that RR and I used to have. It's been almost three years now. At one point of time yesterday, even RR said "They do it this way", then smiled and corrected himself as "We do it this way". Anyway, now he's moved to Australia, may be for good.

Oh yes, the kitchen tap is repaired, temporarily. And it was the plumber who repaired it, of course and not me.

I guess I'm in that phase of my life where both my son and I are a disappointment to each other. 

Day23

Apart from the sense of taste and smell, does Coronavirus also make you lose your sense of humour? I don't know, I'm finding it very difficult to laugh these days. 

Day21

Anu : Aayi, sometimes you sing a song so much in a day that you make me hate it by the end of it!

That's true. Today it's been 'Rutu Aa Gayi Re... " that my brain is singing in a loop and my mouth just repeats it occasionally. I don't know why this song has surfaced now.

We are going to be locked up till May 3rd now. 

Day20

Today evening I convinced the kids that things were going to be better soon; the number of cases was coming down and the lockdown effect was showing. And it turns out that today sees the highest jump in numbers. I think I need some convincing now.

I watched Shoplifters today. Affected me much more than Roma or Parasite. Much more endearing too.

Sometimes I wonder why I watch these movies. I'm dead-tired and I sit watching these stories that are nothing like mine. It's like living two lives; one in the night and the other in the day.

How must my old friends, the autowalas, be getting by? If this lockdown continues for another couple of months, what will happen to them? Do they have a place to go back to? 

We may recover from Coronavirus in some months but what about the hatred, the mistrust? Delhi's Jamaat event has put many friendships in jeopardy and I don't know how long and possible is the road to recovery.

I'm not feeling so upbeat about spotting animals on the roads in these days of lockdown. We're going to run over them as soon as we can and the poor animals should be warned. 

Day19

Rishi had an in-house haircut today. I can only say that his hair has never looked this way before. One good thing is that Rishi is never satisfied even with his barber haircuts so he doesn't know what to think of this one.

So the lockdown has been extended, as expected. 

Day18

I heard the faint droning of an airplane and it felt as exciting as if I was in the era of Wright Brothers. I wonder where it was going. 

Day17

Commonplace activities and neighborhood places are attaining a revered status now. I'm longing to stroll through Indiranagar, visit the few places I frequent. The more I think about it, the more romantic the whole place seems. Sigh!

A colleague of mine was saying her regular life itself was like quarantine except for going to workplace. Her family rarely went out and she said she was feeling sorry for people who ate out often. But she missed the workplace terribly because that's where she met people and she was always surrounded by them and now she's struggling in the confines of home. 

I am struggling with what seems like endless work. Both workplace and home are keeping me extraordinarily busy and there seems no respite. But I've stopped thinking about it, though. Days pass like a whirl and my only worries are when supplies dwindle and that I'm not taking care of Jayalakshmi Auntie as much as I should. But sometimes, when someone says a kind word(the usual suspects L and my mother, and SB!)  it feels like I could burst into tears. I don't. 

I wrote to J after long. He said Japan had been quite relaxed so far but slowly more companies were asking people to work from home. His project starts WFH from today. 

Losing the Count

Suddenly 50 feels like old age and not 75.

Day13

V's birthday today. Anu said it was a terrible time to have a birthday so we should celebrate it later. As an afterthought, she asked me if things would be better by her birthday in December. I said definitely.

Yesterday I dreamt that I went to More supermarket. I was pleased to find lots of things but strangely, they were shifted to train coaches. One coach for snacks, one for groceries etc. So my dreams are finally upgrading themselves to some sort of contemporary reality.

Day11

Netflix is getting boring. It's filled with their own productions and the quality is very uneven. You never know what you'll get. Prime, the other subscription I have, seems better. 

Day10

If there is one skill that I deeply regret not having right now, it's plumbing. My kitchen tap stopped working tonight and I have no idea if I can get it repaired within this month. 

Supporters of this disposition are quick to call the Nizamuddin event a communal conspiracy only because they don't want to subject the administration to any accountability or scrutiny. This is not new but it continues to baffle and disappoint me. 

Day9

Jayalakshmi Auntie's younger sister passed away today. It seems she was admitted with heart ailments eight days ago and Auntie was advised against visiting her because of the virus. She died of multiple organ failure today and Auntie is struggling to get to Banashankari, to see her for one last time.

I've begun to hate it when I read Coronavirus reports like "One person died today, 56-year old with underlying complications". May be they are trying to cheer up younger people with no obvious 'underlying complications' but that 56-year old had survived those complications and with whatever medication would've possibly gone on to live a decade or two more. To think that someone came such a long way and then succumbed to this virus doesn't give me any solace. 

Day8

Just too tired. Too many calls in the day. I hate Jamboree calls. 

Day7

A week of official lockdown. So today we are all in a pretend-resort. Anu is the owner and others are the guests. The resort has a spa, a hammock, an aquarium and room service. Only trouble is that we have to carry key cards at all times. Anyway, I'm happy that Anu is keeping herself busy.

It's a little strange that things have followed the script. China, the all-eating China, has once again led the world into trouble - the jury is out on if it's a botched up biological warfare but even children here are baying for China's head, which nobody is able to deliver anyway - and here in India, it's the Muslims, the Muslims who anyway hate their country, are the ones bent upon bringing Corona to our doorsteps. So now China and Muslims are put together in a rare photo frame. 

Day6

Anu and I watched Japanese animation Only Yesterday and we loved it. Now the family is going to watch My Neighbours Totoro. Is Japanese countryside really so beautiful? Some part of their rural life is quite similar to ours. 

Day5

Rishi : Ani, I thought you were reading Mahabharata...
Anu : There are too many love stories in it. I've had enough!
Rishi : There aren't so many! Just Shantanu-Satyavati, Bheema-Hidimbe and Arjuna-Subhadre.
Anu : No, it starts right from Ambike, Ambalike...
Rishi : Those are just marriages, not love stories!
Anu : It's the same, no?
Rishi : No! Those are arranged by someone else, like parents, brothers etc. So many marriages are like that even today!
Anu : What nonsense! You are trying to fool me and trick me into reading the book!

Today just more calls. And I used a skipping rope after decades. Anu and I had a competition and I won.

Day4

And I indeed forgot that today was a Saturday. Our lunch on Saturdays is khichdi. We all love it, it's a change from our daily sambar and daal and it's been our routine for a decade now. Every single Saturday. But today, I realized I missed it only when P asked me about it on the lunch table.

Rishi has always been inclined towards cooking but his learning has been adhoc so far and inconsistent. But we're taking it seriously now. Just being prepared.

Anu announced today that she wouldn't go outside to play from now on. She said she was getting bored of being confined to the fourth floor corridor, because her companion's parents weren't allowing her anywhere else. We've promised to keep her company inside the house.

And my cousin's wedding is postponed too. I gave the new blouse for stitching but didn't go to collect it. 

Day3

Nothing much to report today, except that I had a human contact today; I delivered some milk packets(bought by P) to Jaya Auntie downstairs.

Weekend is here but doesn't feel like a weekend anymore... Just two days out of twenty one... 

Day2

Counting the positives first. My husband's nephew, who lives in Pune, says he's learning to cook now. He was dependent on dabbawallahs but now he can cook some basic dishes and he can make tea. He says he never imagined he would struggle to get a cup of tea in Pune. Pune has become the epicentre of COVID-19 in Maharashtra and he says his friends who returned to their villages a couple of weeks ago are being treated like outcasts.

And I got in touch with some of my friends and relatives who I'd not heard from or spoken to for long. It was nice. The best part was that Sir said he was reading Lord of the Rings. It felt like old times.

On the flip side, my house is looking very big, now that I have to clean it by myself. And I feel like rationing everything. Actually I'm glad to be a working woman, especially now. It's good to have something else on my mind at least half the day.

Most of Anu's friends have steadily moved out of the apartment over the last two weeks or have decided not to leave their homes and she's left with only two now. She's not giving up yet.

Lockdown Days

Fear is in the air. It's children and the elderly people who are faring better. Children don't want to understand and the elderly don't seem to care much. It's somewhat calming and disconcerting at the same time. The ones between these ends are struggling with the fear of the unknown. What will happen? Will I be able to take care of my dear ones? I don't think I'm any less scared myself but I reassured few younger colleagues like I was a stoic.

The whole world is going through this and for the first time in our lifetime and I wish we could all share our experiences. I want to ask the world how it's coping. How are you? Did you pass through this phase already? How did you manage? How does your place look now?

Misinformation Campaign

My brother-in-law V called me today to check on us. One thing about this whole mess is that all of us are in the same situation. City, village, occupation, age... All locked in and waiting for an end.

He said my youngest co-sister was against making idlis today. I asked why. It seems she had heard that idlis were spreading the virus fast. Others had to convince her that it was Italy where the virus was viral. I don't know if he made up the whole thing. 

Posterity Worries

A month ago, I was wondering what our era would be known the most for. We may have a candidate now.

Our apartment looks near-empty though it's half occupied. Many families have left last week itself for their native places, mostly small towns across South India. 

World Water Day

Ever since water meter has been installed in our apartment, P has been very happy. It seems that our water consumption is among the lowest. P checks and rechecks the reading and gloats over it and it annoys me a little. It's as if all this while he thought I was wasting water! 

Murderer Mystery

The typical suspects in a murder mystery used to be someone close to the victim. But the new trend is that it'll end up being someone close to the lead investigator. Physically or emotionally close.

Mirages

World around me is increasingly getting messy and look what my brain conjures up! My yesterday's dream was that -

a) our Japan story is being revived and Stick, RR's boss, is actively involved in it.
b) Purush, my old friend and ex-colleague, is working with me on the Japan project
c) Uma(a MalayaLi) and Amiya(an Odiya) are speaking Kannada.

I really don't know what my wishlist is! If only the dream had gone on longer!

Rishi finished his exams yesterday and they announced that the remaining 10th and 12th standard exams were postponed! A narrow escape.

Tied Up

Jaya Auntie's son's wedding is postponed indefinitely. It was to happen on 30th but her son works in Dubai and now he can't come to India. Auntie was halfway distributing the invitation cards when the virus struck.

But I wonder what the folks in our building would've done if he'd come here. Already there is a clamour to stop letting the domestic helps and delivery boys come into the building. They don't want the newspaper either. I think it's too early for that and if we start right now, we won't be able to sustain it.

My cousin's wedding is on 20th April. Don't know how things will be by then. I'm getting my saree ready nevertheless. 

Heating Up

Now that there is no clear evidence of heat helping us beat the Coronavirus, I'm not able to tolerate Bangalore's temperature anymore. I've desisted from saying it so far but no more; I want more rain. Please.

So now we're all working from home. It's a new experience for us as a team and there are some disruptions with the VPN client. Not for me, of course. I'm a pro. 

Exposed World

Coronavirus is hitting me hard. It feels like the world is becoming a totally strange place.I received a "Forward this Coronavirus prayer to ten people" message from totally unexpected quarters. Terrible virus, indeed. I hate it. 

Viral Thoughts

In every conversation these days, there is an invisible participant. The Coronavirus. After hearing incessantly about it day and night, I think I'm getting immune to it. Then I think of my father, who is in the high risk bracket, who is happily attending Yakshagana, who is travelling kilometers to attend a marriage and I don't feel so immune. 

Wrong Reference

Why did people have to go and mess up LIBOR? Look at what we got now, the choice-laden, hard-to-recon SOFR! The last thing we wanted right now. 

Ripples

Anu's exams, due to commence this Friday, are cancelled. She's supremely happy. Rishi on the other hand is worried that his remaining two exams may be postponed. The boy is already upset that he lost a mark in Science exam and now this worry. Mercury is rising badly.

And today one of my husband's teammates has brought some news. His wife returned from Switzerland last week and she's supposed to have worked with some Italians there. So my husband's team is asked to WFH for the next two weeks. This is a developing story.

As Bangalore sees more cases being reported, our colleagues using the Metro for commute are understandably worried.

A Hot Monday Night

Coronavirus is real now. Anu's classes are suspended from tomorrow. She was given some information by the teachers and the effect was palpable. It's a bit annoying because it's not too different from what I've been advising her without much impact. This was her soliloquy at bedtime -

"Thank you God for giving us this hot weather. It seems Coronavirus cannot survive long in higher temperatures. But please take it back once the virus goes away. Actually it's a little too hot and I don't think I will like it for long. Already I'm drinking hot water even though I hate it... ".

She hugged me as usual but then moved away saying, "Oh sorry, the one-metre gap... ". It lasted for two minutes and then she hugged me again with, "Who cares! ".

A Hot Monday Morning

Rishi: Aayi, how are you feeling today? Better?
Me   : Much better today. My nose almost back to normal. But the cough..
Rishi: Oh, great! Can you repair my pyjamas then? I need them today. 

Okay, M tells me the Men's Day is 19th November. The woman needs to remember this obscure date now. 

Wishful Women

This Women's Day, I wish there was a Men's Day on which I could tell the men how terrific they are and how proud I am of them.

Anu found an eyelash yesterday and she says she wished to have unlimited wishes. Now she's going around the house, "Shhh! Don't make noise, I'm trying to make a wish here!"

Till COVID-19 came along, I didn't know that so many Indians went to Italy. I thought it was only Rahul Gandhi.

Estrangements

My sister-in-law visited us today. And I got reprimanded by her for making ghee on a Saturday. She said there are certain rules for doing things and they ought to be followed. I concurred. She's always treated me more like a daughter-in-law and I used to be wary of her once. But not anymore. I guess she also knows now that I'm not going to change much.

My husband is the fourth of seven siblings. He's mostly been a little guarded about this number because he thinks people look at him as if he's responsible for India's population problems. It didn't bother me when I heard it(I think he told me in phases). In fact, nothing bothered me those days. Anyway, what I hadn't bargained for is the fact that today I could have a normal relationship with only two of those seven siblings. There are so many people out there I love but I can't speak to them without feeling guilty. I don't know for how long I can sustain this.

And yeah, I didn't meet L finally. Both of us down with worsened cold and cough. Nonsense. 

New Rain

First rain of the year and the fragrance of earth is all around. 

"It is requested that you do not ask us which showroom is closed" ?? I wonder how many people complied! 

In the World of Novelties

So Corona Virus is in Bangalore now. It's like we I had been waiting for this notorious celebrity and now that it's here I don't know what to do. I have this terrible urge to hoard the essentials, actually. Will it come to that? I remember back in 2009, my teammate had contracted the Swine flu. I was scared.

L is here and we haven't met yet. The thing is I have been having a bad cough and cold and I don't know if I should put her in trouble. She has to return to Singapore this weekend. Now she's caught cold too and she says doesn't know who to meet.

We were talking today and we agreed that with age, it feels more and more like, if-not-now-when-else. But I don't think I've been entirely true to this thought. I've only got more outspoken in the workplace. What else have I done that shows that I'm aware of the passing years? The time that won't return?

Yesterday I made L fully aware of my political affiliation. I had been sitting on the fence as much as I could, but now I've taken sides. 

Travellers

V and her husband are on a tour of Myanmar. For two weeks. Two weeks! 

Part 2

I'm not good at sulking. I move on. So it must've been a month after my meeting with AG and I had started to get comfortable in JC. May be the heavy workload helped me, Islamic Financing had receded into history. Then one fine morning, my deskphone rang and the display said VG. VG, AG's boss, the head of our Engg. and one who had no fathomable business to call me that day. I picked up the phone, introduced myself and he came straight to the point. He was calling up to confirm the request that I be moved out of Engg. into Support. I didn't understand a word of this. In the past few months, there had been frequent rumors of my moving into some team or the other and it was common for my colleagues to message me or stop me in the pantry to ask about it. It had been amusing but coming from VG, it sounded like a bad joke. And how come nobody - RR or AG at least - had talked to me first? I gathered my wits and said there seemed to have been a mistake. I hadn't put up any such request. He seemed annoyed and said but he had received it. I asked him who had conveyed it to him. He said it was MR, his counterpart in Support. I had no time to ask how MR could speak on my behalf. I just proceeded to tell VG firmly but also a little desperately that I had no intention of moving out of Engg and I was definitely happy with what I was doing and I wanted to continue doing it for the foreseeable future. I don't know what he thought of the mess but he said okay, that was settled then. He said he was dropping the matter and I needn't talk to anyone about it. The call was over.

I sat in my seat, dumbfounded. I had never spoken to MR in my life. My ex-boss had joined Support a year before and was keen that I join him there. I had politely refused but he had said he would continue to try to get me there. Was this his doing? But this thing was almost like an extradition! I was angry. And what would RR think of me if he heard about it? Would he believe that I didn't want a movement? I once more sat in his cabin, this time to tell him that I wanted to stay put in JC. He was bewildered and that was some solace.

On RR's advice, I next told AG the whole story. His first reaction was to ask, "My boss called you directly?"! Yes, he did. Okay, AG didn't know how this happened either but he was amused. I wasn't. I told him I was going to speak to MR and that was the only thing remaining now. He shrugged his shoulders.

I messaged MR next. Luckily he was working in the next block that day and he said why don't I come over. I went into the big and empty meeting room he had occupied. It was a bit creepy somehow, in that dimly lit space. I wanted to finish it off quickly. So I told the story one more time and asked him how it had transpired. He asked me who brought up his name. I told him it was VG. He had a strange expression on his face, I couldn't read it and his response was vague. He said they were reviewing my profile(part of a mass review) and going by what I'd put, VG thought I was more interested in customer-facing role. Then he proceeded to give me a short marketing talk on Support. It hardly answered any of my questions. I didn't want to go on. I said right now I was going to stick to Engg and thanked him for the offer. He said I needn't talk to VG about it anymore, he would take care of that. I left, feeling a little dazed.

It's been four years for me in JC now. MR has left the world since then and AG our company. I had a sort of image-altering talk with him before that. But I still don't know the truth about that day.

Old Story - Part 1

The year was 2015 and we had just finished our almost-exclusively-Islamic-Financing release. It was my first real brush with Islamic Financing and anybody who's used conventional and Islamic both can tell you that they are quite like apples and oranges. It was a tough release with terribly insufficient time but with P being on the other side and discussing with me daily, I had felt a connect by the time we finished. The next release was going to bring in more changes and I was already deep into analysis, when one fine day RR, my current boss, called me to say that I was moving into JC. I was outraged. There were other reasons apart from my wish to stay with Islamic Financing. RR was going to be my sixth boss in fifteen months. The lack of continuity was frustrating. Also I had received my worst rating ever in these months and I had begun to feel that everyone wanted my work but no one wanted me. And then JC wasn't really new to me. Because most of my old team had moved there, I had been involved in the design of almost everything of Loans, officially or otherwise. And I had even been roped in for the fire-fighting for a month. Now that their big release was over, what was left for me to do! Anyway, RR was reputed to be the nicest boss around so I decided to take a chance. I sat in his cabin and told him I didn't want to move into his team. His face fell. I told him my problems and I said I had no issues being a consultant as I had been all these days but I just didn't want it to be my primary job. He listened to me patiently and said, "I get your point. But much as I would love to have you in my team, I didn't put in a request for you, you know. There were other peers of mine who did but it was AG, my boss, who decided that you should be in JC. So... ". He stopped but I knew what that meant. So, are you going to plonk yourself like this in AG's cabin too?

AG. The elephant in every room. He had many reputations but none that gave me confidence to explain this whole thing to him. Our bosses used his name as a terror tool but could he really be all that? I had been in his cabin a few times and though the discussions were typically one-sided,  he had not been foul-mouthed as they said. But what if he just shouts me out? In front of everyone..  I had a feeling he didn't like my work. Anyway, it felt like I had entered a tunnel and it was better to reach the other end than returning. So I told RR that I would talk to AG and let him know. I think he gave me some tips on AG-etiquette but I don't think I absorbed any of it.

So the next day I sat in AG's cabin, facing him nervously, hoping that the call he was on would go on longer. Getting his time had been surprisingly easy but once inside, all my reasoning had begun to look silly. What was a senior like me doing, being so petty? Whatever, but once he said, "Tell me", I told him everything. I said I would do ten more things parallelly if he wanted, but I didn't want to move. Our conversation was also somewhat one-sided, with me doing most of the talking but he let me know in the end that he was the boss. He said it was not possible. He had put me there on purpose, Loans being very crucial to to the project's success. His directs were appreciative of my approach to work and that was going to be important in the coming days. JC was going to take all my time, I would have to work more than I possibly ever have and there was going to be no negotiations. I left the room dejected, informed RR about my defeat and joined JC. 

Brain Twister

I was waiting in Thippasandra for a bus a couple of nights ago. A family joined me in waiting and as I looked at them, I guessed they were Bengalis. An elderly woman, a young woman and a young man carrying a baby. After a few minutes, the older woman spoke to the young one in very clean Kannada. I was surprised; a Bengali speaking in accentless Kannada! Just when I was re-assessing them, the young woman replied in Bengali and their conversation continued in that language. Now I didn't know what to think; may be what I heard first wasn't Kannada at all. My ears may have tricked me? I was all set to blame the noise of the traffic when it was the young woman's turn to converse in Kannada! They continued that way and left me thoroughly confused. It was as if they were mocking at my guessing game. It hasn't happened to me since a young man from Uttarakhand spoke to me in chaste Kannada and embarrassed my notions a decade ago. 

I wrote to Rajani today after long. I wasn't sure if I should write at all and even more unsure of finding a reply. But she replied. And she's a pain as she's been for the past few years, opaque and stubborn. But I miss her. Thinking of all those days, the possibility that I may never meet her again is chewing my heart. 

Dance Night

On the way back from a dance plus dinner outing with the team. It was terribly loud music but after the dance I overheard my name. After such outings people typically say that I surprise them. I don't know what I come across as otherwise.

Anyway, lots of fun. I love my team. And I don't think I need to drink to get high. 

Follow-up

I went and bought the Kindle version of The Handmaid's Tale. It's becoming a habit, buying the base versions. But for a change, I liked the series better than the book. "Blessed be the fruit" etc. are much easier on the senses when you view them, somehow. And of course the second season is totally new. Makes sense because it almost felt like Nick-Nama to me and Nick isn't so much of a big deal in the book.

The school next-door has given me a new job; monitoring its overhead water tank. It overflows periodically and I first pray that it stops quickly. Because water falling like a waterfall is nice only if it's a waterfall. But most times it doesn't go away. It goes on and starts playing on my mind. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing and my legs send me to the balcony. Next is the hard part. I start waving my hands frantically at anybody who may come out to the school corridor, hoping to grab their attention. I have been successful a couple of times but mostly it's frustrating. I clap too, but to no end. So I curse the whole thing and go to the school gate to complain. I think I should get their number next. But I wonder if it'll just make them more irresponsible.

Going to Pieces

I went to Indiranagar after what seemed like ages and the 100 Feet Road looked like a strange place. The roads are all messed up and left that way, as if they don't know how to restore them. If they had pulled down a couple of buildings and added a gloomy sky, it could look straight out of a dystopian novel. 

Extravagant

I binged on The Handmaid's Tale on Friday night thinking the weekend would be all mine. Then I get a call from my relatives on Saturday that they are coming. It's two people initially but the number ends up being eight. So here I am, with swollen eyelids, with Monday looming large already. 

Out of Sight

I deactivated my Twitter account last week. Not like I was doing anything there apart from reading what came up. But sometimes even small pleasures become pricy and I thought it wasn't worth it. I'm missing it though, my daily dose of good, bad and ugly news. 

Pandemic Feelings

The new Coronavirus is serious enough but equally serious is the number of conspiracy theories floating around. I guess if the Chinese  really want to know how others perceive them, there is no better time. There is an alarming and also disgusting amount of venom in people's minds. 

I don't think Kannada can ever match Hindi's richness in terms of expletives. And how much one can speak using only those expletives. Knowledge courtesy - Netflix series Jamtara. 

When does one stop being the mistress of the house and become the slave of the house instead? A self-appointed slave. 

Throwbacks

Just about a month ago we were in Badami, AihoLe, Pattadakal, Bijapur... AihoLe especially made me think of Anu's drawings, as if someone just tried his hand at sculpting something new and threw them around after having his fill... So many quaint structures all over the place. Each one different from the other in some aspect.

Embezzlement

Spoke to Leave today, teasing her about the fact that she's on a movie spree. She said she was on a 'Deshabhakti' spree, having watched Tanhaji last week and Panga today. And she added that it was because she was a right-winger, in my words. I let the last sentence pass. But I was surprised; I knew Tanhaji was meant to be in the patriotic (b)racket but Panga? I had a faint idea that it was a personal redemption story. So I asked Love. She said, "No... I mean, it's a Kangana Ranaut movie... You know she's a right-winger too, right? That's what I meant..". I laughed and said things were getting all mixed up here. Seriously, when did people start mixing up blind nationalism with patriotism and how did we allow them to? And why should L, who's one of the best people in the world, mess her head up with this? 

Wild Karnataka

We watched it in PVR cinemas today. The frames are beautiful but I felt let down by the short time window. 53 minutes just do not do justice to the topic they are covering and it's a severe handicap. Just as you begin to feel invested in a scene, it shifts to a new one, hardly allowing any engagement. You long to see more of those majestic animals. And there are whole topics missed like man-animal conflict and climate change. I'm sure they have much more footage with them and I hope they go full length next time. It should be a series, nothing less. 

Spiritual Dilemma

Why should a Kannadiga gift his MalayaLi friend a Bhagavadgeeta in Kannada? I think a guide on how to learn Kannada would've been better. Now the recipient, who lives on my floor, has passed it on to me and just like him, I couldn't refuse it. I don't know what to do with it, though. I should see if my library will take it.

No, I'm not interested in reading it. For more than a decade now, my mother reads it daily and recently she's even conned my father to join the club. But I don't think there is anything out there which my parents haven't taught me in my childhood. And I'm quite adamant that I don't want to know anything higher order than that.

I was somehow a little disappointed when my mother announced that my father had started reading the Geeta. May be he's just trying to please my mother. And she did sound pleased. 

Peeved Fan

The only thing that I don't like about Ayushman Khurana is that he spells his name Ayushmann Khurrana. Why! 

Struggling to Belong

Never has the workplace felt more fragmented. The fragments isolated and fortified. And my team, a speck returning from a utopia, now floating over them and trying to find a place to belong. Rather hopelessly. Utopia seems unreal again and that euphoric feeling of kinship with the whole world eroding fast. It seems a collective childishness that we even thought we could replicate our model, our success story. You should see the frustration to understand.

They say leadership can do wonders. It's a wonder indeed. 

I hate to sort cauliflower. That is, till I get a broccoli. 

Ghost Stories

Shab wishes me on new year and says she's wondering what would've been had I gone with N. I was stupefied for a while. With N! After all these years! Does the woman have nothing else to do in life? Anyway, I think I shut her up for good. 

I'm going to learn Japanese seriously now. With all the bad intentions. And I'm not going to ask for forgiveness for that. And just in case my memory fails me in the future, the reference here is to Giri/Haji, my latest favourite. 

The Wrong Mix

It's annoying when a serial forces you to believe that the lead pair has some chemistry when it's clearly missing. Especially when one of them is there only for the sake of that intended chemistry. 

Hitwoman

It's very satisfying moment when your neighbour knocks the door and asks you for Hit(cockroach killer) and when you say you don't have it, repeats the question, as if you didn't understand what he meant. 

Midnight Wisdom

You will most probably end up making the biggest noise when you are trying to be the most discreet.