The Age of Innocence

I met Razia's son in our lane yesterday. He's ten years old and as I saw him from a distance, he seemed immersed in thoughts. I imagined he would still be sad and troubled and I wondered how I would meet his gaze. Then he neared, looked at me and his face lit up. He asked, "Auntie, are there any more pigeons laying eggs in your balcony?" I wasn't expecting this at all. I said none in a long time. He smiled, said okay and went on. 

Show Me the Meaning of...

It's beginning to feel like I'm a miserable single mother who occasionally hosts a man. Complicated relationship with the man. Now who can blame him!

Dentist Diaries

This week has been,well, a change. Toothache, fear of sitting in the dentist's chair once more, living with an open dental hole bigger than before and now, sort of numbness.

Talking of numbness, on my first sitting, the dentist settled me in the chair, did some cleanup and said she was going to inject me with local anesthetic. I remembered the sensation from before and I was prepared. But nothing like that happened! The dentist drilled and whatever, it pained, she soothed me as if I was a kid and I got out of the chair shaking. The dentist gave me the dos and the don'ts, prescribed the painkiller and said, "You know, in some time the anesthetic will...". I said, "Start kicking in?" She said, "No, wear off!". I said I hadn't felt any effect in the first place. She was surprised and going against her own previous advice, patted my affected cheek. I felt everything. She gave up and said it was a mild dosage. I said okay. I mean, what would I do!

It turns out that the dentist couple are from my native place.

Peacekeeping

I'm annoyed with the way Hollywood movies treat India(especially Kolkata) as the place to do some sort of penance. It must be happening for long but I discovered some references back to back recently. You go "Hey, India!", only to sulk when you rewind and realize what they are talking about. Is there a movie about how that penance turned out to be?

Tooth Troubles

Went to a dentist, after a long time(I know it's sounding cliched now, that there is hardly anything that I haven't haven't-done-in-a-long-time). It rained just as I reached the clinic and I knew it would make for a delay in the dentist's arrival. It did. Actually in Bangalore I've never had any doctor arrive in time, they are always stuck in the traffic. And they are not even apologetic about it, no matter how much the delay! Anyway, Douglas Adams humour kept me company and if I didn't have two children waiting for my company back home, I wouldn't have minded waiting another hour on that sofa.

It's going be RCT and the first of my three sittings starts tomorrow. I have forgotten how it feels but I vaguely remember that it's painful.

Unsaid

Sometimes it feels that of all the things said and written, of all the movies made in this world, nothing reflects your life, your thoughts, what you are going through. Others don't know about it and you are not capable of expressing it.

Unseen Future

I have an oily skin and I sweat a lot. The combination is not very pleasant, especially in the coastal region.It didn't bother me much, except for the necessity of always carrying a big hanky. My mother on the other hand was very worried about my rundown looks and one of her constant cribs was that I didn't want to use face powder, which I hated. Anyway, one day I told Renu about my troubles, saying I was envious of her dry skin. She said in the long run it was better to have an oily skin and that if we met after a couple of decades, I would look much younger than her. I felt better.

Today is her birthday and I'll never have the chance to compare our skins. It feels like she broke a promise.

Spelling the Times

These days when a mail comes about some Korporate initiative, I'm not sure if it's a spelling mistake or just some kool way of spelling it, which I'm the last one to adapt. It feels like the world is conspiring to undo my years of hard work learning the language.

New Realities

Razia said it was strange that in the two months since her husband passed away, he'd never appeared once in her dreams. I said anxiety must be playing on her mind. She said then it was all the more reason for him to appear and ask her how she was managing all alone. I said we hardly remember most of our dreams. She said if he had appeared, she would remember.

Razia is illiterate. She was cursing her mother that she gave birth to children one after the other and didn't let her study. I said it's time she started learning the alphabets. She didn't give me any assurance. But she wants me to take her to the bank and show her what to do. She said her husband, though he loved her, never taught her any of these things; he was worried that she would run away with someone. She said it was unfair on his part to leave her halfway and go off like that.

No Love Lost

P is angry with me that none of my many relatives in Bangalore is helping him. I understand his frustration over the past few months, working against seasoned crooks and trying to extract help from an unfriendly system. But while I seriously doubt if any of my kin would've been of help in this matter, I have a problem with the very expectation itself. Because P doesn't like any of them by default. He'd rather avoid meeting them even once in few years. To think of them as something useful now seems rather unfair.

The list of people I'm overdue calling is only growing. And none of them is obligatory. It's quite a frustratingly long list of people I love, to think of it.

Burning Question

Anu : Aayi, are you sure you burn incense sticks to worship God? Because the way you move it in front of the gods, it feels you are threatening them!

Wondering

If marriage kills more friendships than anything else.

The Day Past

A lot of laughter today and many people to thank for it.

Birthday Blues

Pal called me up today. I have been thinking of her of late but something unknown had held me back from connecting. But I was glad to hear from her, sounding as exuberant as ever. L and her are poles apart but I know I'm fond of her too. It's a bit complicated.

And yeah, she stays not very far so I can foresee a meeting in the near future.

I think with L I'm not worried about being judged but with everyone else, I am. That's the difference. I don't know why I should care, though.

When I went to sleep yesterday, I'd decided I was going to be a more disciplined and active person. It seems so hard already. No giving up yet. 

New Season

May be.

Touchy

All these action hero movies make the desk jobs look boring and worse, like the easiest thing to get. I wish they could try and pass a job interview!

Helping Myself

I'm one of those women(I'm not sure if there are more of this kind but I'm hoping I'm not unique) who spend fifty minutes of an hour doing things that aren't the need of the hour and ten minutes making up for it(Yes, I'm good at this part). Some wiring seriously gone wrong.

While Nadal does all the hard work and lifts 12 French Opens, defying age(Actually he's got to thank Federer some more; he's bearing the brunt of most of the age talk) and hopes of a new face, it feels like wasting his efforts if I don't get inspired somehow. I've got to think how.

Federer said in his post-match interview that Nadal being a leftie was a disadvantage to opponents because most others were not. Not much practice playing lefties. Nadal made that conscious decision but I'm surprised that more haven't.

Razia is back in town and she called up to say that she would return to work from Monday. She sounded better. Asked me if I had employed anyone else in her absence and I said no. She said she knew I wouldn't. The thing is I don't mind not having a help. I sometimes like the fact that it gives me the freedom to do things at my leisure(allows me to be lazy), to be dressed a little more carelessly etc.

Obituary

Girish Karnad passed away today. A rare man and I guess the kind we'll never have again.

Falling Like Seeds

It would be better if women stop being seeded in Grand Slams. They are so erratic and inconsistent, they make the numbering look ridiculous. It's so damn hard to remember the previous year's winner! I miss the Serena/Henin/Clijsters days.

To Get Away

I want to go on a long night journey. It's a pity the night doesn't last longer.

Different Shoes

"Nobody wants to work in the villages now, you know. All they want is to laze around because they don't have to struggle to make a living anymore! They get money easily anyway...". I hear this quite often these days. Mostly from people with landowning relatives back home with a shortage of personnel in recent times or people who were used to getting waited on by these 'lazy' villagers some years ago. The easy money is a reference to the MGNREGA(Rural Employment Guarantee) scheme, which has a poor implementation record to begin with. I listen to such conversation incredulously. First, if MGNREGA, which is 100 days of minimum work, is making them so content with their financial situation, how bad must it have been before? Are they to live such lives forever, just surviving and subservient? And also, I guess we should all learn the secret to their perceived happy, lazy and contented lives! I mean, here I am, much better off than them financially and struggling with juggling my career and home but no nearer to hanging my boots than I was last year. So many insecurities, so many aspirations...

Morning Surprises

My mother called me up early in the morning today and put my heart on edge for a while. With so many near and dear ones on the wrong side of sixty, I had reasons to be pessimistic. But thankfully she'd called only to inform me that my father was giving us a surprise visit. A visit necessitated by the fact that my aunt G had sent them loads of eatables, with instruction that some be delivered to us. My heart which had calmed hearing her cheerful voice, went crazy again at the incredibility of the reason. What's wrong with Aunt G!? How can she behave as if Dharwad, Mangalore and Bangalore were some nearby gullies! Don't we get food here? But now after tasting her Atirasa, Jackfruit chips, Vade, Aapoos mangoes, ELLunde and murabba, my heart is full of gratitude and guilt. I don't know what these people are made up of, really.

Unexplained

The Delhi Government wants to make Metro and bus rides free for women. I can't find the logic. The need of the hour is better safety.

Food for Thought

https://www.thehindu.com/society/why-are-karnatakas-schoolchildren-unhappy-with-the-mid-day-meal/article27378176.ece

The government school in my neighbourhood also gets catered to by Akshaya Patra for the midday meal. I've seen children carrying their plates outside the school to throw large quantities of food and it's not a pretty sight. I think it's an open secret that Akshaya Patra's food does not taste great. I've heard it tastes the same everyday. So instead of saying "Hey, I give you free food and that itself is a great favour. Now don't be greedy and just shut up and eat!", we should just look at our own homes to know what kids want - taste and variety. I don't think they really care if you put onion or garlic in it, as long as the food makes them want to eat it. Midday meal helps both children and their parents and it would be a pity if a small obvious thing undermines the scheme. Akshaya Patra does a great job in the matters of food hygiene and also relieving the schools of logistical headache. I hope they can just go a step further.

Exposed Past

I met L before she left for Singapore. Just before we parted, she touched this scar on my upper forehead and asked if it was recent. I said I had got it when I was five and she was surprised she'd never noticed it before. I said I must've balded. I wasn't serious but seeing this old photo of mine it does seem that there has been considerable loss of hair cover in the recent years.

Self-doubts

Some days you go out and so many people stare at you intently that you want to touch your face and see if anything is stuck there or if you've worn your bindi on the nose or something.