The Believers

Anu read one of her brother's books(Roald Dahl's 'The Witches') by chance and the first page spooked her badly. She kept the book down silently and for the next few minutes moved around the house sulking and scowling at all of us. It took a considerable effort from the rest of us to convince her that it was only fiction after all, just like many of her demon stories. But then she said she couldn't understand why anyone would want to buy and read such unpleasant books.

Trying to Fit in!

Hobnobbing with a group of intellectuals or wannabe-called-intellectuals is not easy. You realize that at some level, they are yet another class of mass, that's all. It's just that their set of preferences is different, especially when it comes to mundane matters of entertainment. For example, I can't like Shashi Kapoor and the moment I say "Pardesiyon Se Na.." is one of my favourites, there will be "Come on girl, what's wrong with you?" greeting me. I have also observed a marked preference to Asha compared to Lata and of course any movie of SRK(to mention Salman is a blasphemy) is to be treated with disdain, with an exception of Swades. But unfortunately I wished they had taken someone else for Swades because I like SRK in some of other movies much better. And yes, Facebook is not at all the thing to get involved in! But anyway, it's fun.

I don't know what my current weight is but some steady indicator coming from my old clothes is not very good. The key is definitely not opening the laptop before going to office.

Unrest

Ultimatum to Pakistani artistes from MNS! But I want to see Fawad Khan and I want to listen to Ali Zafar, what about us(there are many more like me)? Very sadistic approach that reflects the helplessness of our people about the real issue. Arnab Goswami wants these actors and singers to take a stand now and he's the guy who's taking all the wrong stands so far.

Clouds and clouds everywhere but not a drop of rain! Everyday the sky gets overcast and makes me expectant but it's just a drizzle in the end or sometimes not even that. How will we cross the remaining year this way? And what if next year....

Overheard

Two men in my lift in the office -

Man 1: We are starting on the new project.

Man 2: Oh great! You'll lead the project, right?

Man1: No, it will be Suneeta.

Man2: Oh!(a pause) let her lead yaar, it is a lot of headache anyway....

Refreshed

However tired when I reach home, a few minutes with Anu makes me feel much better. We generally sit in the balcony and look at the sky and talk in general. She thinks she has a magic box inside her which gives her an insight into many things. Today's sample -

Anu : "Aayi, I think Baba is slowly becoming stronger."
Me  : "What do you mean?"
Anu : "See, he's being bold enough to clear the spider-webs these days!"

Just Analysing

I think one of our biggest problems is that we are either too defensive of our own code or too reverential about someone else's . Leave both of these and just look at what is required and we'll have a much better product and a very satisfactory day.

Content

Cooking can make you feel very powerful at times. As if there is some magic at your fingertips. 

Taking Sides

Pretty disgusted with the opinions of most Tamilians living in Bangalore on Kaveri issue. Not that it was unexpected anyway.

Distant Cousins

I wonder how Kashmiris coped up with so many days of curfew...

Burning Issues

Bangalore was bad yesterday.  It looked as if some old personal grudges came into the fore and even hampered the proper functioning of law and order machinery. We had partners from Japan who'd come over for a discussion and it was a relief that they reached their hotel safely. Today's discussion happened over the phone. Bad indeed. We just dilute the whole thing by resorting to some petty crimes. But the increasing number of such jobless people being so easily available, also known as the 'mob', is scary. It looks like in our country the mob can do anything. There is no stopping them.

So much of the time in a day goes in making and remaking scopes for a release and so much more in discussing them with other victims over the phone. Please!

Anu, frustrated that Rishi and I were chattering and disturbing her attempts to sleep - "I thought elders were better than me and I had to learn from them. Now I think they should learn from me!". Point taken!

Being Responsible

Any amount of power shortage will not dissuade our people from celebrating Ganesh Jayanti with full-day loudspeakers. Same guys would be at the forefront of breaking others' glasses when there is a bandh.

Was reading about Shivarama Karanta today and just remembered my prejudice against him in growing up days. I don't know why, it was Kuvempu who was my favourite and any praises of Karanta used to be a big irritant to me. It was only after reading Mookajjiya KanasugaLu(having reluctantly picked it up after having exhausted all other books at home), that I admired him. I have continued to be an admirer.

TriveNi Sangama

Long Weekends

Yet another on the cards with Kaveri heating up once more. We went to Somanathapura last weekend and one could easily see that all is not well with so much of uncultivated land all around. It's easy even for someone like me to ask why we should release water at all. But yeah, I know no other side of the story.

We went to SrirangapattaNa also and kids were aghast when we went to Dariya Daulat. Mysore palace sure spoils one!

Work continues unabated. Season of Olympiads starts too!

Here are some pictures from the weekend trip -

Roots

I finished Roots in one go(disappointing K who had recommended other books). But a little disappointed that it may not be an entirely true account. Do we have a firsthand account of slave owners also?

RR left finally and it was an emotional farewell - he tried speaking and thanking people multiple times but broke down each time and his friends tried unsuccessfully. I don't understand the bond between us - I came to know him only two years ago but then since last year, I think there wasn't a week in which he didn't come and sit and talk for at least half an hour. We talked only about workplace and never about our personal lives and when he resigned, he said I was the first person in the office to know about it. As I said, it hasn't sunk in yet that he's not going to be around.

Work is all-pervading. All days are Sundays now.

The Living and the Dying

While on our return journey, one whole bunch of elderly people boarded at Udupi. Two of them, a couple and the oldest of the lot were in our compartment and the others in the next. While initially helping out with 'our' couple with their luggage and stuff, people in the other compartment hardly even came to look at them otherwise, busying themselves eating stuff and talking all the time. Our couple seemed reserved and we minded our business as well, except for helping them out with their berths, bedsheets and a goodnight.

Morning is when we conversed and while the lady was cheerful enough, the old man almost cried. They are in their eighties and while they have almost perfect health, so many in their next generations were suffering from ill-health and some had even passed away. Nothing that we said could make the old man happy about living a long life. I almost said that it was my dream to live like him till eighty but kept quiet.

RR has put down the papers and while I should be happy for him, it'll be a big loss for me. We are birds of same feather and I won't know who to talk certain things to if he'll not be there. Just the other day I was thinking about people I care about in the office and he is one of them and I hope some negotiations work out and he stays. But I also know he's been unhappy for quite some time now and it's unfair to be going on like that.

Being Normal

Me : Anu, what do you want to become when you grow up?
Anu : Nothing special, Aayi. I want to become a normal woman. I just want to become a mother like you.
Baba : But Ani, you wanted to become a teacher, no?
Anu : (Animated) Yes, I want to become the strictest teacher in the world!

Shifting the Load

Major camaraderie between the siblings and I suspect it's to do with some change in Rishi's attitude. Anu suddenly announced the other day, "Aayi, ANNa is being very kind to me these days. So I love him the most in this house. Sorry, Aayi!". As if I have a choice. But being her favourite person is not easy so I'm not envying Rishi at all.

Many of our revealing conversations happen while we lie down waiting for her to sleep. Rishi's best friend is ST whose sister LT is in Anu's class. Rishi was thrilled that they would be a pair too but at the moment the two girls are sworn enemies. Anu was all furious that LT was such a bad person and she said the only solace was that she was a girl and she didn't have to marry LT!

The Inseparable Gang

I was telling Anu today that she should be smiling, happy and healthy. She had a ready answer. "I will be happy but on one condition, Aayi. Nobody should make me sad!".

Battered

And almost taking a pledge never to attend a wedding ceremony unless we know in advance where we will stay. We stayed at a pathetic place for two days and I can't believe it's run by my uncle! I don't think he's stepped into any of the rooms in ages. I mean, I hope not because it gives him at least some excuse.

Only one good part of that meaningless stay was that we all got hooked to chess, including Anu.

Roller Coaster Rides

Just when we thought we'd had enough of weddings, we are going to attend one more. But the journey has been a dampner in more ways than one. It's been raining ever since morning and our train is stuck at Mangalore for more than an hour. And as it happens usually, all our eyes turn towards Rishi who has to defend his love for trains yet again...

We are going to visit BR and family at Manipal and the men seem very excited.

Stories

We watched Sairat yesterday and I don't know why I saw M later in my dream. With a long hair! :)

And so many of our heroes and heroines are the byproducts of the generosity and bravery of their friends that I end up thinking more about them...

Madness

I'm in such a precarious state of mind that one wrong step and I'm done for, the most dangerous path in my life. It's funny at times but mostly, worrisome. Sometimes it looks totally like a product of my fertile imagination but if I turn some old pages, it may not be. But, only thing is that it may end and end soon. What will happen then? Will I be relieved? But how will I cope up? As someone said, it's so much harder to make oneself unhappy when one has tasted happiness. I've got to tell myself again and again that it was only temporary anyway. It would've ended surely. No doubt about that.

Energised

Kids have gone to my native place and we are living a most-disorderly life. Before leaving Rishi gave us a strict instruction not to 'enjoy' in his absence. He needn't have worried; I hardly have time for anything anyway. But the last two days just changed it a little bit. We had this Synergy Workshop which actually I didn't want to attend. I mean, testing phase I was getting over on Saturday and it would be blasphemous to go and enjoy myself, right? P wasn't happy too because it was stay-over on Friday and I think like Rishi he was also worried that I would enjoy myself too much. Anyway, somewhere inside I knew I would have fun if I went and I wanted it so I just enrolled myself. And it was worth it really. I love people in general and feel overwhelmed with small happinesses like interacting with new people and I felt very content after 2 days. I sang, danced, played cricket and the only regret is that I didn't explore the place on foot, which I wanted to do.

The best part was SN, a 25 year old girl who I met regularly at restroom in the office but thought I would never interact with. I mean, she seemed exactly like two generations younger and two generations different from me. But we hit it off very well at the workshop and she is one of the cutest persons I've ever met. Then TD too. We had met and spoken before and I knew I liked the girl and it got only reinforced in the workshop. And RCB was a person I never knew though I have been interacting with him for the last 5 years! Of course in their post-workshop comments some people said the same about me too.

Carnival

It's a riot of children in the building. They do nothing but play from morning to night and there are some ten boys. I'm expecting some reprimands from the afternoon-napping senior citizens but surprisingly it's not happened so far. My mother says Rishi comes back an inch taller everytime he goes out to play and it almost seems like that. He's 11 now and 160 centimeters already. As I said before, he's all in love with cricket suddenly, watching matches late in the night, cursing the teams he does not side with and also enjoying his own game. But the boy is also developing a temper than can catch fire at the slightest spark.

Midnight Madness

This late-night happiness is taking its toll on me. I could now put my head down anywhere anytime and get loads of dreams immediately. The only way is to just continue hoping that it would all end soon. PM and I are going crazy but also keeping each other's sanity intact I suppose. 

Happy

I'm happy....slogging and coding into late hours everyday and waking up late and happy....listening to and watching Ghulam Ali in concerts and looking at the happy faces in front of him, hearing that Rishi loves cricket(till two days ago he hated it) and listening to his gushing commitment to the game...walking in Cubbon Park and having a vague sense of being part of the crowd of trees...walking on MG Road and being part of a different kind of crowd....hugging Anu for no reason...marvelling at P's passion(for so many things!) ...getting more pimples than I ever did in my teenage and hearing that I look like a teenager anyway(except for my hair, of course)...bonhomie with everyone and everything around...kind of certain that this euphoria won't last long...I'm definitely happy these days.

The Cool Night on Sharavati

I think I'm going to spend the rest of the summer saying this but it is very hot indeed. And the times are such that you feel happy to even hear the sound of water running but immediately frown wondering why so much water is being wasted. I think of those buffaloes in my native place, floating and cooling themselves in the dirty pond and even that picture looks very pretty to my mind right now.

One of those summer nights in my grandmother's place and there was a Harikathe in Mavinakurve and this was just the distraction we needed in our monotonous schedule(really?). But it would start only sometime in the night and Mavinkurve is an island to be reached by boat. The prospect was very exciting and we begged our mother to take us along and I don't know how she consented. Range of children(7 totally) was from 2 to 17 years and along with my mother, Aunt G and my youngest uncle we skipped into KariyaNNa's boat.The journey was going to be of some 20 minutes and it was a moonless clear sky. I must say half my merry died within ten minutes because the water was high and looked ominous in the dark night, all the more so because KariyaNNa had given us clear instructions not to move an inch. We kids were sitting shoulder to shoulder in a line and we were severely reprimanded by one and all if we tried to stroke the water. A thought struck me that it may be because there were crocodiles beneath and the fact that there were only two swimmers - my uncle and KariyaNNa - added to my worries. But there wasn't much I could do so I tried to distract myself by gazing at the infinite stars above, listening to the rhythmic movement of KariyaNNa's jallu and longing for the coziness of the houses on the shore going away from us. But some enthusiasm was kicked up by my mother urging us to sing so by the time we stepped on to Mavinkurve, I was ready to be on the river again. But there was Harikathe of course, which dragged on meaninglessly(I couldn't understand much) and I must've slept off. I don't remember the journey back home.

Intolerant

It's 11 in the morning and though not peak traffic, there are enough vehicles to make me look at the watch. In the middle of the busy road, there is a big cow licking her young calf, oblivious to all the prying eyes. (I looked twice wondering if it was delivered right there). Very touching but no public display of affection, please. Do what you want at home.

Also, in our times, young calves like this were not allowed to roam outside, especially not on roads. Times have changed!

Postscript

Almost daylong sessions for the Women's Week celebrations, mostly listening. As for our speeches, I think they went well. Defying the expectations, there were 20 girls listening to us and though the topic was the same, all four of us talked of different things, though none of us was sure if it was any 'success story'. I'm sure I was the most nervous of the lot. But it was nice. I was really proud of the way A presented her bit - I don't think I'll ever have that clarity of thought. On her part, A said my speech shook her from inside but I couldn't imagine why.

I spoke to PM and asked him to sort out his personal problems instead of spending time in the office night and day. He seized the opportunity to tell me that he was the most envied person in Chennai office because he enjoyed life the most and never let a worry nag him, especially if there was nothing he could do about it. It seems he was separated from his family as a child on account of studies and while he cried then, he also learnt to handle his troubles on his own. Unfortunately he went on to call me one of the best bosses he had had, with the result that I'm inclined to interact a little less with him after that. Not prejudiced either way, but feeling a little awkward.

It rained yesterday. And the wind was so forceful that the trees were almost forced to shed whatever little leaves they had. The roads looked like someone had burst crackers on them.

Cooking Up a Speech

Here is the gist of what I'm going to say, hopefully. Not so nervous like my schooldays, of course.

I'm so and so...I finished my B.E. in Electrical and Electronics in 2000 and when I joined my course, there were many who advised me to change my branch as soon as possible. They knew that Electrical was just not meant for girls; it was too tough for us to handle the labs and other assignments. But I stayed on and incidentally our batch had the highest number of girls in E & E. Then I joined a Financial Software company and I've been happy with my choice of career all these days.

But I have seen stereotyping of women at workplace quite often. Apart from other things, there is a very strong conviction in people's minds that for a woman, the top 10 priorities are all to do with her family and a career or work-satisfaction comes a distant eleventh. Another popular myth is that because women are soft creatures, they are not capable of managing tough guys in their teams and much less the hardships of a difficult assignment. I've heard these thoughts spoken aloud and while love for my work is my primary concern, one of the secondary-joys of my life has been to prove them wrong. I'm just one of those many ordinary women who are capable and sincere workers, one of those ordinary women who are sensitive managers, who multi-task all the time. But more importantly, I think women have this capability of knowing when not to bring their egos in front of them which restores order to many chaotic situations in the workplace. So while I don't want any special status or conservation plans for us women, all I want is decent deadlines, the deadlines which don't give me a false sense of being a super-woman.

......

I want to end this with an old joke. There was this woman who wanted to attend her Saturday afternoon club meeting but she also wanted to catch the cooking class being aired by All India Radio. There was this particular recipe she didn't want to miss. So she woke her sleeping husband up and put him to the task of writing down every word of what was being said. She went off to the club and the grumbling husband sat down with a pen and paper and the class began - "Take a deep frying pan and heat the oil...". The next station at the same time was airing Yoga classes and unfortunately these two got mixed up - the Yoga and cooking class instructions. So what the sleepy and faithful husband wrote down finally looked something like  this - "Take a deep frying pan and heat the oil...Raise your left leg and cut it into small pieces...Take a deep breath and mix a pinch of salt...Close your eyes and sprinkle red chilli powder generously on them...." and finally ended something like "Raise your head and let it drop slowly into the hot oil".  Sometimes, when I feel down, my life looks like this disastrous recipe I'm trying cook but otherwise, mostly it's been a wonderful journey and I've enjoyed every bit of it. 

Listening

PM is my colleague from Chennai and works with me currently. I've been interacting with him for 3 years now but have never seen him. He's smart but erratic and his previous boss used to say that his day starts at 9 in the night. In my project, he started off like that but the last couple of weeks have been hectic for both of us and I don't know if he sleeps at all. He's a pleasant chap to interact with but yesterday when I requested him for something he said, "don't request, just order and it'll be done"!! I knew he was not being sarcastic so it sounded very pathetic coming from a 30-year old young man. On top of that he signed off saying he had some personal problems because of which he was not able to concentrate on work. I'm uneasy now thinking of  how SM used to be in his last days and I'm going to have a word or two with PM today.

Heat and Dust

It's scorching heat even in the middle of the night. Just imagine how it's going to be, wearing silk sarees on April 30th and May 4th!

The other speakers for Tuesday's all-women meet are identified. We are, as A says, the usual suspects - A,B, U and me. The inside joke is that we will outnumber the audience.

Age-old Problems

I think a cruel joke is being played on me. In my teenage and twenties, when I wanted some shape for myself, whatever I ate couldn't alter my stick-like figure((My erstwhile colleague SP had once told me that I should've been on Fashion TV and I don't think he meant it as a compliment). Now, when I finally think I have some reasonable look, I have to struggle to keep myself in shape. But as long as I can walk at the rate of 10 minutes a kilometre, I'll feel fine.

One of my old teammates met me yesterday and in the course of talking said I was looking old these days. It surprised me a little because I've been thinking the contrary but she relieved me saying that it was on account of my grey hair. Now that's nothing new and the way things are going, my grey hair will only increase and I'll have no time left to colour them. Things have been absolutely crazy with the deadlines approaching and no wonder I think that I have all the symptoms of ADHD.

What with all the health problems we discuss on the lunch table(S is diabetic, Rajani is on the verge of it, A has higher cholesterol and I don't know because I haven't got a test done in the last five years), we thought we should keep 10 minutes aside for an after-lunch walk. We took two rounds around our building but it somehow felt very awkward. After two days, people started giving one excuse or the other and now we've stopped it. As for myself, I've started walking to the office again.

It turns out that we have four weddings in the pipeline instead of two. Two of my cousins are getting married too and all in the peak of summer, it looks like. Why can't we shift the wedding season to October?

Women's Day

I want to thank all the men who treat me just the way I treat them, like another human being. I ask for nothing more, nothing less.

I'm supposed to speak next week about the challenges that working women face, to an all-women audience. But I just don't have the time, that's all.

Dreamboat

Some dreams make you happy by their sheer impossibility while some others make you very sad for the same reason...

I bought and watched Marvin's Room today. One of those movies which while being serious about life, makes you feel quite hopeful about it too. That deep down one may have a treasure of love hitherto unknown to oneself, may be because it was not mined or it was buried over a period of time...It's also about keeping aside the individual in you for someone else. Not just for a day but year after year.

Wavering

I've put October as the last month of my current job. I've discussed this with my family and a few people(my lunchmates and L) already and while L alone is very happy about it, others are skeptical to say the least(Rajani is refusing to believe it). My son, who two years ago would've been jumping with joy, is asking me now never to quit and he says he would be embarrassed to tell his friends and teachers that I'm not doing anything. It caught me by surprise and pinched me to think of the many mothers who strive hard at home. Anyway, I think what he's really worried about is our finances. He thinks we make peanuts.

My daughter is supremely happy and she has a big part in my decision. But sometimes, looking around at people of my own circle(not Bangalore of course but back home) I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or I should just delay it the way I've done all these days. Money is the only thing I can offer as help to anybody other than understanding and I know how much that money means to them. Now I can do it without thinking twice but tomorrow? My mother knows the value of this self-earned money so much and she's upset about my decision. But everyday spent at office feels like a day wasted to me these days....

Rishi is down because after the bonanza year of last season, this year he hasn't got any medal. I could see the relief in his eyes when I took his results with equanimity but it also automatically made him feel more guilty. We pampered him a little today - went for Zootopia and a dinner outside. He blushed with suppressed(and surprised) glee when he heard of the plan in the morning. The movie is cute, in spite of all the predictability.

Contrived Emergencies

A guy works on an enhancement for 6 months and is almost at the end of it. Then somebody higher up decides that it is not worth doing this way and there is a better option available. So they scrap this work and the guy is asked to keep his work somewhere safe. The guy doesn't keep it in the common area but on his machine, which promptly crashes one day while installing a back-up software! So the work is lost. Now suddenly after one year, the same 'higher-up' decides that the old design is the way forward and the work is to be completed in one and a half months!

I need a break, very much. My two weeks' leave is not approved yet.

Or I need more hours in a day.

Will he or won't he?

Yesssss, he did! But I thought he looked as jubilant as someone who'd won a custody battle. And a little embarrassed. I would be, if I were the subject of all the nonsensical "please give him one" campaign. Now that he has got what he wanted, I hope he acts a little less self-conscious. Enough of the 'intense' performances, please! I want a comedy, if you can...

Family Matters

We have twin weddings waiting for us this April - my husband's nieces are getting married or I should still say hopefully. One of them is slated to marry her cousin but nobody is sure until the wedding happens because she did a U-turn in between. But some unexplained change of heart happened and she retracted. But she's been throwing such tantrums at her family that makes many sons-in-law look like angels. P is jumping mad sitting here, 800 kms away.

My 40 year old cousin got married last month after everybody had almost given up on it. He has never stuck to a place for more than a year and his current salary is 2500 Rupees and the only thing one can put in his favour is his temperament. But I was wondering what made the girl of 27, a graduate who was working for a better salary than his, marry this fellow when it's obvious that only slogging awaits her in her new home. Relatives are all very happy.

I hate it when people say, "You had a love marriage? Can't believe it!". Whatever does that mean! Nobody said that to me, of course.

Nature Trying to Paint a Pretty Picture of the Landscape

Overheard at children's play area -

"Oh, don't worry about soiling my clothes. My mother washes them. Go ahead, climb over me!"

Misnomer

Yesterday I saw a van in front me with the name "Rathi Pre-school" at its back. I thought it was pretty refreshing to see a pre-school carrying the name of a nymph while most others were repeating themselves with Angels, Rainbows, Foundations and stuff. But then no, no such luck. The name was Vidyarathi and the first few letters had just fallen off.

Diary

A day spent on the road - at least 5 hours of them but it troubled us so much that Rishi vomitted all that he had eaten with relish, the moment he got home.We had gone to my cousin A's house, who along with her husband is leaving for London in a couple of weeks.

South Bangalore is definitely a better place to live in, if you happen to have some wings to reach there.

Children can be heart-breakers in their own naive ways. I mean, one time they get attached to you so much and you, the mechanical you, get all sentimental and happy about it. When you go away, you think fondly of it, with some self-gratification. Then you meet them after a while and you long for the renewal of the old bond but they may not even care to look at you, they've just moved on. I saw that look on my uncle's face yesterday when he was looking at Anu, while she was just interested in everything else, I felt very sorry.

JNU row has entered our house too, with P and I at two ends of the argument. It got a little high-pitched and P became desperate and appealed to Rishi. I didn't want to trouble his mind over it but his stand and counter-questions made me very proud. I think we lose some amount of maturity and objectivity as we grow older.

One for the Day

Thousand lines of code reduced to under-100 and working better than ever before! Makes me terribly happy and want to tell everyone about it but I know I can only tell P. I'm grateful that he's in the same workplace and can understand when I prance about.

I must add that I'm hungry for more now. 

Bits and Pieces

People with skewed sense of fairness - being fair to everybody, in their words - are being so unfair to some and they don't see the kind of harm that does to both the wronged and the beneficiary,

A question a 'pseudo-secular' is faced-with generally is why all 'your' intellectuals are protesting only now. Weren't there problems before? There definitely were and people protested, may be to no avail many a times. But the difference is that now you are losing the right to protest itself. People want you to talk and even worse, think in line with the establishment. You cannot even remain neutral; you must choose your side and only their side. They cannot accept anything otherwise. So like with any belief under threat, others are wearing the symbols all the more, sometimes looking paranoid in the process.

When I read my books, Anu reads some passages with me and it's becoming a habit with her. I don't know if she'll recognise Raskolnikovs and Alyoshas when she grows up. I wonder what her books will be and what she will call history.

When Hanumanthappa was battling for life, Sagarika Ghose wrote, "your country is praying for you" and people promptly asked her if she was from Pakistan. I think for once, Sagarika would've had the last laugh. 

Dishonest Associations

I don't understand why JNU guys brought out Afzal Guru now. Except to generate maximum reaction from certain quarters. Nevertheless, it is so different from the 'mind-your-business' that I've seen all my student life that it's mildly exciting.

I found that out of the 171 Friends that I have on Facebook, I've written at least a line only to 30-40 people and much as I try, I can't think of anything for others.

We lost Under-19 over the weekend and Rajani was blaming it on Dravid and I didn't understand what she was saying, because she's as ardent a fan as I am. She was like, "He's never won big tournament finals for us and he could not now, even as a coach"! I said I never praised him when we did so well to reach the finals and so didn't deserve to hear him derided like this either. She says, "Dravid will always be No.2"! I couldn't believe my ears but recovered to say that I love the fact that he's never fretted about it. I should've added "like you" for a better effect. @#%#$^*

That Rainy Day

It was the year 1997, L and I were busy running between library and computer lab for our second-semester exams. We were particularly anxious about the computer practicals and the time that we got to spend in the lab with our good friends Mallya and NNS had not given us enough confidence. So when our well-wishing localite senior DRB (thinking of it, my first year was all about such seniors giving me all sorts of advice and help, unfathomably.)  offered us an evening at his home to practice computer programs, we didn't know how to thank him. But he wasn't taking us home himself so L and I set out by bus and got down at the stop he had asked us to. But unfortunately, it was raining very heavily by then. We had some distance to cover walking, the stop didn't have any shelter and we didn't have any phone to call DRB up to come and pick us up.

So the only way was to wait the storm out. But standing on the roadside with our umbrellas overturning, we could see that we were becoming a spectacle - some men in cars and autos passing by had whistled at us already. So we looked around and the only thing that offered any protection was Hotel KI(which has since become an educational institute) and we didn't lose a moment before we hurried there, wringing our rain-soaked clothes. Couple of men in the lounge gave us looks and the guy at the reception didn't look pleased to see us but we explained to him that we would be off the moment rain abated. He gave us a serious and worried look but we were only glad that he didn't refuse. After a while, another guy joined him and we could see that they were talking about us. Then the new guy came to us hurriedly and said, "this place is not a nice place for young girls like you, please make a move."! Now the rain hardly mattered, we just bolted from there.

What in the end? We folded our useless umbrellas and managed to reach DRB's house somehow. His mother was understandably not too pleased to have two thoroughly wet girls in her house but we shamelessly concentrated on computer programs. The journey back to the hostel was uneventful. 

New Learnings

Rishi suddenly asked me today what was meant by Love Marriage. He had told me a couple of days ago that his classmates use the 'F word' but I had not asked him if he knew what it meant. Now the question of love and marriage were also coming up and I asked him where he had heard about it. He evasively said people talk about it. I said love marriage meant that a girl and guy decide that they should get married, instead of parents finding them a match. Then he blushed and said his drawing teacher had asked him if his parents had had a love marriage and he had replied "of course not". It amused me that he was so convinced about it but I didn't pursue him further.

L wrote to me that she's happy in Versailles - cooking, busy but without her tyrannical guide, enjoying life in general.

I've finished War and Peace but have to re-read certain chapters. Now I'm onto Crime and Punishment and reading it very slowly, of course. Unlike Tolstoy's, Dostoevsky's characters are more interesting - each one of them. Tolstoy introduces varied people and describes them to some detail but Dostoevsky lays his people bare in front of you and makes your heart cry for them. You wish sometimes that they were uncomplicated like Pierre but you also know that they cannot, somehow in spite of themselves.

Sulky

Tell me something, there was this debate on intolerance some time ago (very one-sided it was) and  people took umbrage to anything that was perceived as anti-national. Bhakts urged their mates to stop watching SRK's movies, caused Amir to lose some of his endorsements etc. Fine, I understand how they must've felt - I mean, come on, 'these people' living here at our mercy and telling us what not to do! But now, I'm wondering why their pride in our country shines out only on such occasions. Mallya and company cheat us of so many crores but I haven't heard of anybody calling for a ban on watching RCB's matches! I bet half of these motor-mouths don't pay tax worth counting. 

Judging the Covers

I subscribed to BookBub sometime ago and had ignored all that they sent to my mailbox so far. Over the weekend opened some of them and I was confused as to what preferences I had chosen. I've got only Romances recommended so far and it's amazing how many novels people can write involving mostly ranchers and cowboys as heroes and ladies in distress(financial trouble, loss of father, brother, lover, husband etc) as heroines and all of them by 'best-selling authors'! Nothing on software guys, though.

Read somewhere later that Michael Holding was a computer programmer when he joined WI cricket team and that kind of compensated.

I think the Dalit oppression in India is no less than any holocaust. To keep someone suppressed and oppressed for generations and worse, to make so many people believe that they are really inferior to others is so damn inhuman. Imagine the kind of kick upper-castes would've got - with successive levels of superiority - treating them like slaves. I remember even the smallest improvement in their conditions being talked of with so much of heartburn and near-hatred. But then, what does a Dalit do when he comes into mainstream(what's the right word?) ? Does he try to help others who have filled in his old space or does he just 'mind his business'? Class has become a very strong caste now and  I think that's part of the problem that they have to overcome.

Speaking (in) My Mind

L has gone to Versailles. She hasn't written from there and I try to imagine how she must be doing there, alone. I felt uneasy this time after meeting her, like her sadness had rubbed on to me. I know some of the things that must be playing on her mind but I would've been glad to hear it from her. My limitation is that I find it very hard to put direct questions and she's my dearest friend and I know that she doesn't need my questions. She came to see me around 10 on a weekday and was forthright that she wanted to have me all alone; no children. I couldn't help smiling. But she went away after an hour and hugged and kissed me on the cheeks and I almost cried on the road.

Coming to think of it, she's always been vocal that women should work but this time when I told her I was going to quit in October, she was very glad. She would've submitted her thesis by then...

I finished Maugham's Christmas Holiday and because I had watched Chameli just some days ago, Charley Mason felt like an extension of Aman Kapoor. But the problem with people like Aman or Charley is that we become greedy with them, we turn snobbish at them. It's not enough if they are good-natured. Do they really have depth in their feelings? Most probably not. It's just that they are born or bred to be good. It's in their nature, like some birth defect and they can't help it. So you'll find that people with shades of grey or even black become more acceptable because those are acquired qualities, hard-earned even(nobody is born with them!) and you become fascinated with them. So stray acts of kindness from them will be remembered much more than everyday-goodness in other people.

I just looked it up in Google and was amused to find that the movie version was a more 'believable' one.

Work is picking up and expectations seem sky-high and I'm coping with it by watching lots of movies.

Anu's advice to me to avoid coughing - "Reduce talking, Aayi. If you really can't help it, speak in your mind!"

Discoveries

I was reading December's National Geographic magazine and the page on Chia seeds caught my eye. The description of the plant and the seed so reminded me of 'Ganji' seeds we used to eat as children but on closer look, it was different. Ganji seeds are black and almost totally flat and have a shape similar to heart. We ate it all the time while in primary school; not with any celebration but going to the plants and finding the dry seeds and popping them into our mouth to feel the white layer getting formed was a totally subconscious act.

Rajani and I fought bitterly on lunch table and this time also it was about politics. Nothing new really but this time because A was absent(she is the only one who can shut us up) it went on till I reached my floor. I sent her an apology message later acknowledging that pseudo people like me are not to be taken seriously. She said it was a surprise that educated people like me could think the way I did. It flared me up again and I replied that I had made up my mind in high-school itself and I was not educated enough then. She said I was just trying to show-off by being different. I said fair enough and we dropped off after that. She is one spoilt brat.

Sunsets are so beautiful these days and yesterday when I saw it, I wanted to make the whole floor look at it. But everybody seemed so busy so I went around till I found an old team-mate of mine and felt happy.

I liked Mr. and Mrs. Iyer also because I thought it was trying to break the set notions about Muslim men in the minds of general public. 

Distorted Images

Yesterday many of my 'Friends' on Facebook were busy liking an article on why Godse killed Gandhi. I've heard this thing for long now, from my relatives and lots from Rajani. I'm not surprised but I'd rather have their leaders stop invoking Gandhi when they go abroad. It must be so allergic to them to speak about his legacy and stuff and hear others praise him. He already sounds more like a long-lost mythological character anyway.

I watched Mr. and Mrs. Iyer after so many years of wanting to watch it. When P saw what I was doing(I didn't call him for company this time) he said, "I think that guy kisses her", as if nothing else mattered. After I finished it I wanted to tell him that he didn't kiss her after all.  But I refrained, knowing that I would sound disappointed, even if it didn't matter really.

Brownies finally! They taste damn good, for the first time in the history of my cake-making, I must admit. I can't wait till Rishi eats them, he's been so restless waiting for them.

Miscellaneous

Today's interviews finished much before time and I was back at home for lunch. Java aspirants outnumbered PL/SQL guys by scores and even the ones I interviewed were below average. I spent more time waiting for someone to turn up at my room than interviewing them but The Bell Jar gave me enough company. It was a surreal feeling sitting in that glass room trying to figure out Sylvia Plath's lines with nobody to disturb me, except for some drilling nearby...I guess I hadn't had such reading time since the days of early youth.

There was a kidnapping of a small boy very near to our house last week. Details are slowly emerging but not the leads to the culprit. The neighbourhood(4 schools and a children's play park in the radius of 100 meters) is struggling to come out of the shock and there is a whole lot of caution while sending the children out to play, even to the basement. The usually crowded skating rink is also empty these days and I wonder if that is linked too.

After I complained about its absence, winter appeared for about 40 days and now summer has reared its head. Some trees are bursting with flowers already and walking to the office watching them is the only time I wish I had a decent camera on my phone. At least for now.

This is one tip I want to pass down to the next generation - Onion juice - a teaspoon full with little jaggery is the best medicine for children's cough. It works for older people too but I'd rather eat the onion itself instead of taking the trouble to grate it.

Fake Hallucinations

Yesterday night I suddenly woke up around midnight and realized that what woke me up was the music of "Bits of Paper..." being played somewhere in the house. It stopped after a round and I was confused if it was a dream that extended; both my daughter and husband were fast asleep. I checked the keyboard and it was off. We have a toy which plays such music when pressed but I hadn't seen it in quite some time but I looked for it nevertheless. It wasn't there among the toys. I went back to bed still puzzled.

I woke up again sometime early in the morning. This time "Row Row Row a Boat..." was playing. As I shot up from my bed this time, I was glad to see my mother going to the toilet. I asked her where the music came from and she said, "what music!" What was going on! What kind of dreams was I getting? But if it was only a dream, why did I wake up like this? Now I started thinking of Sacks' Hallucinations and it's a surprise that I managed to go back to sleep.

Third time was at 6:30 and this time it was "Mary had a Little Lamb" but I cracked it finally. It was that toy indeed and it was in the cabinet below the bed. My son had moved some things there yesterday and this one had moved up to touch the cot when we shifted our weight. Ho! Relief!

Tomorrow have to be in the office to take daylong interviews. Has killed my happiness already.

Tiny Habits

Attended a session for women on time management in the office yesterday. I hope they have it for men too. While it was nice listening to the lady for two hours, I didn't have really anything to carry from there. I'm someone who knows all my vices, all what I have to do but just does not want to change. Is there any hope for someone like that?

Anyway, on a different note, my latest favourite is "Toredu Jeevisabahude..." from Pt. M. Venkatesh Kumar and Kanakadasa's choice of words makes me chuckle. The gist of the song is that Kanakadasa can do anything but leave his beloved God's feet. So he says, "Tayi tandeya biTTu tapava maaDalu bahudu(you can leave your parents and do penance)" but look at this one - "MaDadi makkaLa kooDa tolagisiye biDabahudu...(you can even get rid of wife and children)"!! Anguish or frustration?

It's becoming so damn difficult to see the face of workplace and even I'm wondering why. I mean, I'm ready to slog (even when I'm on leave like last week) but I don't want to work from office! 

Staging the Protest

The kid had her annual day celebrations last Saturday. Practices had been going on for quite a while and she was to take part in a Rajasthani dance, a LavaNi dance and also some dialogues to be said in the role of Catherine, a lady from USA on a visit to India along with her husband. Some 10 sentences in all and we rehearsed at home and thought all was going well. Then last Wednesday I get a call from her teacher saying the kid is just not opening her mouth in the practice session but just cries! She was upset all the more because it was her who recommended Anu for the role and she was kind of being blamed by the in-charge.

So I had a session with the kid that evening. She said she didn't want to be a foreigner; she wanted to be from Bangalore. I told her there was more fun in playing someone you were not; I was Alexander once! She looked somewhat mollified by my example and said fine. Next problem was that she had to sit too long; throughout the whole show and that day because of the practice she couldn't eat her snacks also. I told her that way she got to watch all the dances which was a privilege indeed! But the hardest part was yet to come - the in-charge teacher had called her a naughty girl! I told her that the teacher was being nice to her by calling her only that in the face of her own difficulties. Finally after many rounds of convincing(I thought so) it was agreed that she was going to be alright the next day.

We went on Saturday, all curious how it would turn out to be. It was half-relief and half disappointment in the end. The teacher made her husband tell all the dialogues except saying Yes occasionally and her sole job was to nod her head vigorously(it was very funny) and take photos every now and then. But she was very happy as she came home and said, "Didn't I do well? I didn't cry even once!".

Conspiracy Theory

Pathanjali brand is spreading its wings and I smell foul. They have launched their noodles now, after various other products like sugar(which tasted like a mixture of jaggery and coffee), biscuits, masala and I don't know what else. I'm just trying to connect the dots together - the noodles are coming soon after the Maggi ban, Maharashtra government has decided to appeal against lifting the ban on Maggi and also they want Pathanjali to be the official buyer of their forest produce. So they aren't really on a level-playing field. Add to this people like my uncle who are buying these biscuits in bulk and distributing it to people who don't need them!

Feeling Needed

Just to add further on Awakenings, the conclusion if there is any, seems to be that the patients live longer and are able to overcome their crippling disabilities at least partly or occasionally, if there is something they can hold on to in life. And care is not necessarily love and they can perceive that too. So many a times in their case, family may not be that someone - sheer monotony of it, unspoken but daily-felt contempt,  too much 'understanding' of the patient's needs - but something entirely new. Little soul-searching I did myself.

SM had a baby and seems to have exploded on the FB stage. I had lost touch with her for some time now which got renewed after she became my 'friend' . She said nobody was living in her house now - both her parents are no more - and I felt it a pity. It was and still is one of the best houses I have seen and it's part of my good childhood memories. It was everything that my old house wasn't - well-lit, spacious and elegant. And may be, her mother was also different from my own - she seemed to have the best of tempers and she and SM were like sisters in their interactions. I seemed to have only one advantage - Pappa - one who came home for lunch everyday to listen to my school-stories and one whose pleasant voice would float through the radio and people would recognise it and tell me excitedly about it ...

It's been 10 years now since Pappa had a heart-attack and he's leading a most active life, some times much more active than my mother wants it to be. But we still get subdued whenever there is a mention of the word in some context.

Awakenings

I'm reading Sacks' Awakenings now(I'm kind of getting obsessed with his books) and feeling spooked a little bit. He talks of some of his post-encephalitic patients having had sleep disorders like sleepwalking and sleep-talking and I used to have both till almost high-school as I remember. Once it seems I even went out of the house, stood in front of our landlord's house and asked for milk. Both V and I used to talk quite a bit in our sleeps too. Anyway, it went away after the high-school.

I think that I had a delayed growth. Everything I understood late and even my body grew more slowly than my peers.

Sweet Talk

V came for Sankranti lunch today and opened the memories of childhood days - going to distribute Sankranti KaLu to various houses around, going as far as KonkaNi Amma's house, being pampered by them, V losing her ear-ring - she never used to walk those days, just run - and mother scolding me for that...sending greeting cards, coming home for lunch everyday guessing whose cards would've come...

Rajani's blood report showed elevated HbA1C and she's alarmed, because it was the last thing she expected. So the lunch table(we are four of us) was all abuzz with diabetic talk yesterday. It's tough on anybody - it seems like yet another infringement on your time somehow.

I wore a saree to go out today and P said I looked like a holy cow. Nice name for an unholy mess like me.

Being Earnest

Rishi and I were going to meet L yesterday evening and we met Teacher Auntie on the way. I greeted her as usual and was proceeding but she had something to say. She said, "You know, I met your daughter with her cycle just now and asked her if she could give me a ride. She didn't say anything so I pressed her saying my leg was aching and it would be great if she could give me a ride. You know what she said? 'Take an auto'!! Your husband also heard it!". I was all set to laugh but the last sentence kind of put me on guard and I ended up expressing solidarity with her.

I inquired Anu about it later in the day. She complained too. "How could she sit on my cycle? It would break!" . She didn't seem convinced on either of the points that I explained - that Auntie's weight wouldn't break her cycle or that Auntie was only saying it for fun.

Environmentalist God

I find it very hard to understand why one should have temples in almost every lane - 3 in our lane, in fact - because when people can take all the hardships and go to faraway places for pilgrimage, they might as well walk a mile to visit a temple once in a while. But I do recognise their value in preserving the greenery in our midst and I'm hoping they continue to score over the commercial interests at least till people genuinely want to have more trees.

I keep thinking of the mini-forest that we lived in when I was a kid. It had two Nagabana(snake god's forest)s and around them was a thick growth of all sorts of trees. We had so much to do everyday while moving through that stretch - smelling various flowers, eating wild fruits(I saw Renje tree in the palace premises last week and just made me so happy),collecting seeds and fancy leaves for our games and being on the lookout for snakes, of course. Now all that is gone and plots have come up in their place(must be houses by now) and roads for them. But a small portion still remains where no sun enters and it is surrounding the Nagabana. This is the story in many other places also and I'm grateful to the Gods for that. But for how long?

I want to reduce our plastic 'intake' this year. That would mean that I have to make more snacks at home and I have to learn to make them. Jai Ho!

Reading Voices

L has come down to Bangalore on a surprise visit and made us all very happy. Of course I'm yet to meet her but happy looking forward to it. :-)

I called her up today and spoke in general and when I kept the phone down, Anu said, "It was Auntie, right?" I was not sure how she figured it because I hadn't addressed her by name or said anything that really suggested it was L. So I asked her. And she said, "You spoke in such cute voice that I knew it had to be her!". I said I hadn't noticed.

Kanyakumari Diary

Too short it was, only of two days. Yeah, now I don't know why we didn't make it at least a 3-day affair. So like typical tourists, we crammed a lot of places in those two days and came back with mixed feelings of happiness and dissatisfaction. What would've I done if I had stayed there for two more days? I would've had a daylong drive around Kanyakumari - beautiful all around, except near the monuments - sparkling water bodies, rocky mountains giving you company almost everywhere, green paddy fields, coconut trees...reminding you of some place or the other back home but summed up in one place. I would've sat in the cool surroundings of Padmanabhapuram Palace, so unlike Mysore Palace and so much like a big country home you wish you owned. I would've stayed longer on the Rock Memorial and hopefully overcome that unknown fear that was at the back of my mind - I couldn't define it but it didn't really let me enjoy the place in peace and it seemed to have afflicted only me.

Smoking Tower!

Lonely Beach

3D Jump!

At Sunset Point

Waking up to Kanyakumari

The Palace Sun

I was somehow expecting much more people than what I saw. What I saw was mostly Bengalis(or Odiyas; I can't yet differentiate the two) at Kanyakumari and MalayaLis at the palace. I saw a couple of young foreigners at the Sunset Point and they were quite obliging to the local youth requesting a photograph with them. Food was just average on the first day; even the usually safe idli was under-cooked, even looked so on the posters pasted on the walls of the hotel. The guy at our hotel confirmed it - there was nothing called the best vegetarian hotel in Kanyakumari. 

Sanguthurai Beach was beautiful and looked lonely. I guess we were just early and felt immediately at home. While we frolicked, Pappa found that Kumar, our driver and guide, had worked in MRPL for a year and it felt like a new bond between them. 

I had forgotten that we were crossing over to the new year until woken up at midnight by the sound of crackers and some loud cheers - not loud enough to wake anybody else in the room it seems!

At the Wax Museum, I ignored Gandhiji, Obama and Johnny Depp(!!) and placed myself between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, quite uncharacteristically one might say. But I actually prefer Die Hard BW to the Pirate JD, so there was no choice really. 

Some of the beautiful rocky hills around are shrinking I guess. I saw one face of a hill badly chipped off, may be for granite. These hills are very inviting, even for someone like me, who trekked last may be almost a century ago. They seem to add an extra grandeur to all the places - the restaurant or the palace. 

Sunset Point was crowded with people, especially at the western edges. If you by chance happened to take your eyes off the sun basking in all the attention, you could see flashes and flashes of mobile cameras all around, with their backs to the imposing statue of ThiruvaLLuvar.